Pieces of Grandma

I know they say - and I surely believe them - that things are not what matter.  I have jumped on the bandwagon with many others - trying to clear out collections of stuff.  Stuff that clutters our homes, our minds, and our life.

But, today a box arrived.  And in it was stuff - stuff that was once my grandmother's ob"m (died on December 16, 2012 at 98 years old) and even my grandfather's who died well before I became bas mitzvah, more than 30 years ago.

And this stuff means something.  This stuff brings tears to my eyes.  This stuff connects me to my grandmother.  I see these things in her house.  I recall memories of these things being a part of her and a part of my childhood.  I love this stuff.

I want to put this stuff behind glass windows.  And I envision passing it on to my grandchildren and letting these pieces continue to travel within our family.

These pieces contain pieces of my grandma, pieces of my grandfather, pieces of their life and their extended families.  They are more than just things.

Receiving things takes me to the very edge of my sorrow.  And I feel the pain looming within me, but I dare not cross the line.  I cannot imagine what one feels like when they lose a child.  The sorrow and emptiness of a long life I can barely endure.

I now have the recipe boxes that belonged to both of my grandmothers.  My maternal grandmother passed away right before I became bas mitzvah.  I will - most likely - make very few of the recipes that make their home in these boxes.

But, I see the writing.  The writing is a memory of my grandmothers.  What they collected is a story of their time.  (Boy, when someone reads through my recipe books one day, they are going to think I was crazy - gluten free, dairy free, egg free, sugar free, meat free... )

I see one recipe - cottage cheese pancakes.  Probably my most vivid and cherished memory of being with my grandma.  She would make them and I would eat them.  Slathered with grape jelly.  Even in my dairy free, egg free, wheat free escapades... I will always have space for cottage cheese pancakes.

The index card where she wrote out her recipe will go on the plate - a piece of my grandma - a memory of my grandma's kitchen.  It is a round plate with a thick olive green border.  In the center of the plate are yellow, white, and blue flowers.  I guess in the sense of home fashion today, this plate is quite tacky.  One might ask if I really need one plate from a set of dishes that no longer reside on Lockwood Avenue.

This plate is a thing I need.  I will place the cottage cheese pancake recipe atop this plate and I will frame it in a shadow box frame (like I have done with a serving spoon) and put it in my kitchen.

This thing is humbling.  This thing has energy.  This thing connects me with a generation I no longer have the opportunity to speak with.  I need these pieces of my grandmother.

Occupied Mind

I think it will be an official disorder in the DSM 2014.  Think about it.  I did (think about it) in the midst of a quick yoga practice the other morning.  Suddenly, I had the urge to rid myself of the iphone (I know - scary thought).  

I had an image of my phone moving with me from the bedroom where it woke me up and I had the opportunity to immediately check in with the world - to the 'exercise' room where it pulled up the video I needed on the Apple TV  - to the bathroom where it would transition with me until we reached the kitchen where - at 7:30am - it would play Modeh Ani and wake up the rest of the house, one child would ask to check the weather, and one child -ready for school early - would ask to play a game.... all of this flashed through my head in a moment, and I decided I wanted a simple cell phone.  One that cannot be used for anything else but making phone calls.

Do I really need to check my email in the five minutes I sit waiting for the school bell to ring?  Do I really need to be available by text messaging while I am out running errands?  Do I truly need to be connected?

What was it like in the good 'ole days?  Those good ole' days were not even from my parent's experiences but my own.  Even ten years ago, I did not wake up with a desire to check email.  I did not rely on my phone to nudge me about of bed.  I was not available any time, anywhere.

Before the smart phone craze, I sat in a carpool line and talked to other mothers or read a book or just looked at the world around me and thought about things.

The world has evolved so quickly to a space where there exists no down time. Our minds remain occupied no matter what we are doing. No matter how much time there is - how little we have to do - or how fully packed our calendar is - we do not have time. Our time is consumed.  Our minds are occupied with this consumption.

It's time to slow down. To live mindfully.  To take breaks.  To focus on what is important and essential.  It's time to narrow our focus, not do too much, and be present for our children. It is time to release the occupied mind.

We are stuck in a crazy time.  Where much of the world is becoming absorbed with technology, our dependence on it, its ability to speed life up but still not be able to provide us with more time.  Where the other half of the world is fighting to avoid succumbing to the cultural norms, to instill strong values of peoplehood, connectedness, and face to face conversation.

Time is what we want most, but... what we use worst.  ~Willaim Penn

It Can Always Be Improved

Yesterday I observed an increasing frustration when one of my boys was having difficulty hitting a ball (with a shinny stick) that was being pitched to him. A tangle of conflict erupted as I tried to encourage another son to pitch it underhand, making it easier to grasp the concept of 'bat meets ball'.  My pitching son was trying to explain that it was all part of the game and missing the first three pitches was what happened to everyone. But everyone hit the ball on the fourth pitch.

Which is exactly what did not happen on the fourth pitch. This was all taking place as I was trying to get everyone inside, but we obviously couldn't end the experience with a fourth missed pitch.

I stepped in to pitch and - lo and behold - said son hit the ball, whacked it actually. Really well.  Mom's mission accomplished!

Well, not exactly. The moments remained tense as I tried to hurry them along, the pitching son took the scenario and thought I was angry and telling him he was doing it wrong, and - of course - the other son wanted to keep hitting the ball.

Well, that was yesterday.  And this morning, I was trying a new workout. INSANITY. Yes, because I'm insane. I figured you don't get anywhere in the world without kicking butt. So, by kicking my butt with a strenuous physical workout, I would also be able to kick it in other areas of life. Step it up a notch. Not just glide along but make things happen. Overcome fear.  You know.

I did the fit test yesterday and today was my first workout. Son who learned to hit the ball yesterday came in mid-workout. "That looks too hard for you, mom," says he.

Thanks for such a great seque. 

"Well, I responded.  I didn't do as well as the people on the video, and I took a lot of rests.  But, I did my best.  And when I keep doing this video, I'll get better and better.  Kind of like with you and hitting the ball.  You didn't decide not to play (well, you did, but I talked you out of it) just because you couldn't hit the ball.  You kept trying. And you finally hit the ball.  And, then some of the balls you hit and some of the balls you missed.  But, if you keep trying and working at it, you can get better and better.  That is what I am going to do with this exercise."

It can always be improved.

That's my philosophy.

I think it pisses some people off.  After an event or a meeting or an idea brainstorm or anything - I look to see how it can be improved.  I'm not being critical, merely seeking the next step, the way to take it to the next level. This thinking allows me to consider how every individual may have viewed it, how we can reach out to one more person, how we can make the least happy person happier.

This is a mother ever-analyzing herself, always trying to improve, and always knowing what needs to be fixed.

“How noble and good everyone could be if, every evening before falling asleep, they were to recall to their minds the events of the whole day and consider exactly what has been good and bad. Then without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day.”        ― Anne Frank

Dreams Before and After Children

When I was single, I had dreams of changing the world. I had many opportunities to do so, although I did them somewhat effortlessly.  I didn't have the fearless motivation observed by many who make big waves and provoke world changing results.  I fell into opportunities, and I did my job.

I worked with teen moms and helped one in particular through some difficult moments. I worked with incarcerated teenagers who openly laughed at the system's efforts to help them, and I continued to do my best at understanding them and giving them hope.  I worked with a pre-teen drug prevention program and witnessed one young man dispose of his drugs in the creek running through town.

I wanted to make the world a better place.

I provided play therapy to homeless children and abused children. I supervised state and national hotlines whose sole purpose was to reach out to those in crisis and provide them with a solid grounding that could help them move through and move on. I worked in a residential treatment center for children who had been removed from their homes. In a fit of anger, one of the boys once pulled my hair so hard I saw stars.  We had to learn how to passively restrain our children so that we could control them when they were unable to control themselves.  I worked with runaways on a national hotline and my first call was a suicide call. It doesn't matter that it was a prank, your first call is your first call.

I wanted to change the world.

I recently came across a retreat coming up in December by a rabbi whose retreats I have attended in the past.  I have read Rabbi David Cooper's books and they have had long lasting impact on my life. 

As I thought about seeing him again after all these years, I envisioned him asking me how life was. (He probably won't really do so because it's a silent retreat. And, the first retreat I attended with him and his wife, Shoshana, was a silent Passover retreat). 

Nonetheless, my daydream caused me to think about how I might answer that question. How does someone with the plans that I had and the eagerness that I felt and the confidence that I would do it - how does someone answer the question of "how's life"?  What have I done in the decade (+) that has passed since that last retreat?

Well, I suppose I haven't changed the world in quite the way I intended.  And, I still dream of ending poverty, curing cancer, and preventing child abuse, but I'm not doing much about it.  But, I have changed the world with the addition of my four children - each of whom brings great gifts to this world. 

I work - and work is not even a worthy word to describe what it really is - to make a Shalom Bayit - a peaceful house for my children.  And when I say work - I mean internally.  The external stuff we do?  Well, that's 'easy' compared to the internal stuff we do. 

I spend my thinking moments contemplating how I can be better, what I can do differently, and what I must to accomplish for my children.  Countless hours go into planning and thinking about what I'm teaching them, what I'm modeling for them, and what things they need that will come from outside of our home.

My angst in life revolves around my children - whether I'm doing enough, where I'm slacking, where they are lacking. I worry if I'm building a strong enough foundation.  I worry if I'm letting them experience their own experiences, make their own mistakes, and explore their own paths.  I worry if I've exposed them to enough choices, if I've nudged them adequately, and if I'm teaching them too many bad words.

When I - G*d willing - see Rabbi Cooper in December for the retreat, will I yearn for my dreams of earlier years? Will I feel a twinge because I haven't pursued them?  Or will I be able to come into retreat a different person than I was back then.  A person ready for new insight and enlightenment. A person whose answers will be different now than they were then. 

What dreams remain within me?  What dreams will I pursue?  The biggest dream of all - the one to be a mother - that one has been fulfilled.

Parental Guidance

loved and cried through this movie
so did one of the 10-year old boys who I brought with me
it was a happy-sad and a sad-happy

and it was a pathetic reflection of parenting today
rather, it was a perfect reflection of the pathetic parenting we do today

luckily, i have no movie memory (which means I can see a movie more than once because I won't remember any of the details) which means that i won't spoil anything if you haven't seen it yet

parents work so hard to be perfect parents
competition forces us to examine techniques and trainings and philosophies that would be otherwise irrelevant

we base our success on our children's abilities to achieve
and we define achievement by high test scores, getting into great schools, and being number one on the sports team

we are not the parents our parents were
we are afraid to let our children fail
to watch them move through disappointment
and to provide them the tools they might need to maneuver life 

because we might look weak 

we are experts in a field that most of received no schooling in and no prior training in
we are too vulnerable to talk about our mistakes, to ignore social trends that make no sense, or to just be present in parenting

we worry too much 
that we are not providing enough for our children
that we are making the wrong decisions for our children
that our children will miss out
that they won't find friendship
or a job
or a meaningful path through life

have we?

can we teach them what living is if we are not awakened ourselves?
can we teach them what success is if we attribute its measures to our financial status or how many vacations our family takes?
can we raise them to know what is right in the world if they do not see what is wrong?

Parental Guidance was a good movie. Hopefully, it made us all feel a bit foolish and inspired us to be conscientious in a different way, mindful in an abundant way, and to live according to values that will make a difference.

Rats & Jelly Beans

Cute, right?  Yeah, well - not so much when you find out that this little creature - who visited you in the fall of 2010 - chewed holes through your dishwasher's drain tube (though my slowness to catch up and stupidity may be shining bright right now; I prefer that it was the rat from 2010 and not a more recent visitor).

This hole in the dishwasher drain tube, recently discovered after a two-week attempt to figure out why my floor is rotting and why there has been a pool of water under my sink, has led to bigger and more complex problems.

First of all, the dishwasher was never installed properly in the first place. The dishwasher drain tube was crammed into a spout on the disposal that was too small for the tube. This means that our installers smushed the drain tube and shoved it into the space, meaning that our dishwasher never worked at 100% but was always compromised. Second, the dishwasher itself was glued into place. This made it difficult for the Bosh repairman to slide it out and assess what was wrong.  It also means he will not be able to reinstall it because he would not be able to stand behind that work.

Anyway, my purpose is not to rant about my dishwasher woes (yes, there is much more to tell) but - rather - to relay the enlightenment that can take place even in the midst of household hell. (Don't forget - the dishwasher/leak saga occurred during a period of time where I was hosting an event for over 40 people, where my children came home with lice, and my husband was out of the country).

In the middle of all these wonderful challenges, I had a lightbulb light up over my head.  Literally.  I felt it.  It nudged me.  

And, it said "I don't need to eat jelly beans just because..." My healthy eating habits were put on the back banner when my grandma died, my children came home with lice, I was too busy cooking, fill in the blank.  And, each time something else happened, I moved further and further away from the eater I wanted to be.  It was a gentle knock on the head saying that I really don't have to eat jelly beans or have chocolate or dive into comfort food because these things were happening.  Not only that, I didn't even really want to.  It was merely a habit that I no longer needed, but I had not separated myself from the physical act of the habit yet.

Hmmm... ponder that. 

I knew I would be tested again.  Sure enough, I was.  We had fevers in the house, final days of lice prevention hair washing, and bigger & deeper issues with the sink leaking.  I had not enough time in my days to catch up on the laundry (don't forget, lice means changing sheets every day, covering couches, and putting everything into the dryer for 15 minutes - including backpacks - on a daily basis).  I still have dishes in my garage from the lunch that happened two Saturdays ago (Not proud - but it's true.  The dishes were rinsed, but not washed and - frankly - I forgot about them).

I knew the tests would come.

I was ready.

I prepared.

But, I 'failed'.

And that's ok.

You can't wait for everything to subside.

You can't wait for the right moment.

You can't wait for life to slow down.

It's not going to.

You have to start now.

You have to do it in the midst of the chaos.

You have to do it while anticipating the next thing that will throw you off course.

"The time is now, the place is here. Stay in the present. You can do nothing to change the past, and the future will never come exactly as you plan or hope for." (Dan Millman)

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Lessons from lice adventures

I have the luxury of having been able to clear my calendar so that I could - literally - lather, rinse, repeat my children's hair for several days required.  I also have the luxury of being able to clear my calendar so that I can strip, load, heat, repeat.  Strip the beds, load them in the dryer, heat them up, put them back on the beds. Strip the couches (that are covered in extra sheets), load them in the dryer, heat them up, put them back on.  Attack the piles of coats (whether they've been worn or not), towels and bathroom rugs, and any clothes that have been worn since our lice diagnosis.

Combatting lice is a time-consuming process.  In an already crazy week, this could have been the thing that pushed me over the age.  And, if my consumption of jelly beans is telling, then - perhaps - it has pushed me over the edge. For ten minutes, I think I was over the edge - but I brought myself back and I've managed to stay on the right side of that edge.

I have these voices ringing my head.  (Don't worry - they are not exactly outside and they are not exactly inside- I am neither schizophrenic nor dissociative). The voices are memories or thoughts or inspirations reminding me that things can be much worse.  And, that - truly - I am thankful this is merely a inconvenience - a gross inconvenience, but just an inconvenience.

"I do not pray for a lighter load, but for a stronger back."  - Phillips Brooks

45 minutes to lather everyone up

30 minutes to sit there (while they're sitting I'm burning sheets and pillows, remaking beds, gathering backpacks and towels that did not make it to the burn pile....)

1.5 hours to rinse everyone off

repeat tomorrow

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so let us all be thankful."    -   Buddha