Oxygen

Moms, why don't we speak to each other more often? Not about who is struggling in school or who made the soccer team or how busy our days are. But, about mothering things. 

Like children pushing our buttons. And the mommy moments we wish didn't happen (but are relieved to hear that our mommy friends also had). Or the limits our children push us to - really push us to.

The things that make us say "I suck at this". "I can't take another day" or "What did I get myself into?"

It was so nice to speak with a friend today and learn that we are living with the same children. The one who can't get up in the morning, takes a lot of prodding... a lot, needs to be reminded to 
'get going' while in the shower, 'get out' and 'you have one more minute - last time I'm telling you'. 

The child who shrieks - at least once a day. Well, really - once in the morning and once in the evening. And, we've learned that the shriek does not symbolize anything real so we call from another room: "You're fine. Do you want an ice pack?  Come and get it."

We both have the child with a bit (ok, a lot) of anxiety. Maneuvering through life is difficult. Watching that pushes our buttons. We can only handle observing panic in our children for so long or so many times a day.  And, then it's time for them to go live in someone else's house.

But, then we realize we should be a different mother. The one who knows their child so well and knows what he or she needs and can actually give it to them without consulting a therapist. Or at least we should be the mother who is patient and understanding and supportive. The one with the magic key to turn off the panic and instill calm. 

There is the child who is starting to sass and observe our stupidity and is not afraid to let us know it. They are establishing their independence but they are babies. They are lost but they know where they want to go. Their attitudes sometimes smack us across the face in an unexpected burst.

We also both have the child who brings sweetness to every moment. Who makes us think that parenthood could be easy and calm and delightful - all the time. 

My friend and I, we acknowledged how essential it is for mothers to nurture themselves in order to be a better person for their children. The oxygen mask - put it on first, before you put it on your children if, G-d forbid, there is an emergency on the plane. I told the flight attendant that I always put myself first. I hope he knows I was joking. Then again, I hope he recognized what a great mom I am to put myself first.

Hard is the New Hard

I've been watching you young mommies lately - with a bit of envy and a bit of horrifying flashback.  I remember trying to get out the door with little ones in tow, having to make sure they were safely latched into their seats - because they cannot do it themselves, loading up the double stroller and finding ways to get through small, tight spaces, taking 45-minutes to load up for a five minute errand.

I remember missed naps, forced naps, driving to sleep naps (I can tell you where all the horse properties are in my neck of the woods and which horses are usually visible by a child peering out the window from his car seat). I remember meals that took hours (because massive clean up - and, perhaps, a bath was involved). I remember strategic planning on how to get to music classes while  still preserving nap time and figuring out when I could get a bite to eat, or do the laundry or the dishes, or have a minute to sit down... 

I remember thinking "I can't do this", "I need a break", and "my kids are driving me crazy". I enjoyed the moment but looked toward the future.  I noticed moms with her four teenagers walking alongside her.  I listened to the evolving conversations.  I marveled at little children who had grown up big.

And, now I've learned. Hard is the new hard.  I'm not sure which stage of children is easier and which stage is harder.  I'm not sure it matters.  

Putting my children in the car?  That's easier.  They can do it themselves - all of them - most of the time.  Putting them to bed for the night?  Uh, still hard.  I have to try and stay awake long enough to see the oldest to bed.  I have to make sure another one stops reading and turns off his light before he tumbles into bed.  I still have to read to them (thankfully) and sing (sh'ma) before bed. And, yes, there are still struggles to get them to calm down and get into bed.  Bedtime is often prolonged longer than I'd like.  Children still come into my room with scary thoughts, I can't sleep, or I'm hungry issues. In fact, there is one in my bed right now.  Oh - make that two.

And, now they have independence streaking through their little veins. They know more than me (and - if it's homework we're talking about - they do know more than me).  Their personalities spend time each day working to get along with their siblings (that's the nice way of saying that the silly little tantrums of toddler-hood do not disappear - they evolve). Life is still a pinball machine and I continue to bounce between the four balls that someone put in my machine. 

Motherhood is still non-stop.  It continues to keep me up at night. There is still no privacy in the bathroom. The house is messier than ever (I know toddler-moms, you can't believe it!). And first-time listening appears to be a life-long feat. 

I still run around, trying to manage the schedules of four under-scheduled children. We have our days where we go from one thing to the next. I went from trying to stay out and about until bedtime (especially on the nights when David was not home) to setting the clocks ahead so we can all go to sleep early.  

There are many statements that are repeated on a daily basis: "Turn it off", "Pick up your clothes", "Empty your lunch boxes", "You need to use shampoo when you wash your hair", "Clear your spot".... I could go on.... and on.....  and on.

Yep - hard is the new hard when it comes to motherhood.  But, it's a good hard.