I have a friend who consistently looks to me for parenting advice. I’m a step ahead of her in the “closely spaced children” arena, and – other than that – I’m not sure why she comes to me for guidance.
There was a time I thought I’d be a fantastic Mommy, but that was before I had children of my own. When I worked in residential treatment with abused and abandoned children, I had patience and understanding like no other. When I worked at day camps, I was given the difficult children because I had a way with them. When I worked with pregnant teens, helped drug dependent teens make better choices or created a resiliency program to boost the self image of elementary aged children, I was confident and comfortable!
But, the moment my first child was born, so – too – was self doubt. Only then did I begin to wonder if what I was saying was really the truth, if what I was doing was really the best thing for a child, if what I believed was really the right belief to hold when raising my own child. Only when my first child was born, did I realize that I would never walk away – my job would never be over – I would never be moving on. This one, I’d have to see to the very end. I would witness the repercussions of my decisions. I would have so many more (important) decisions to make on behalf of my children than I ever had to make before.
There is one thing I do know with the utmost certainty. And, this is probably why my friend comes to me time and time again. I have an answer for everything. I’ve read a lot of books. I have a vast amount of experiences with children in all different environments. I’ve taken a lot of courses. I majored in Psychology, minored in Family Studies, earned a Master’s in Counseling and started another Master’s in Early Childhood Education. I specialized in Play Therapy, have a certificate in Life Coaching and started my own business assisting Moms as they redefine and recreate themselves.
As I said above, I have an answer for everything, and that is: THERE'S NO GOOD ANSWER. That’s not a cop-out. It’s just the gosh darn truth. There are no absolutes when it comes to raising children. There is no one answer for any question a Mommy may ask.
The best you can do is to do your homework, talk to your friends, question professionals you trust… but, most importantly, trust your Mommy’s Intuition!
November 28, 2006
A Place of My Own
Not too long ago, a friend of mine who recently had her first baby asked me how I was adjusting to my newly acquired third (boy). She marveled at how a mom could manage three when one was hard enough.
I told her two seemed easy when three came along and one seemed easy after two – but you have to take “easy” within context because the challenges and difficulties exist within each.
With one, you learn how to never sleep, how to hold a baby all day long and still get things done. You’re learning how to be a parent, adjusting to the responsibilities – not only of the caretaking but the responsibility to love, to worry, to teach and to provide for this separate piece of you. You’re learning about living a life that doesn’t fully belong to you anymore.
When two comes (and my first two were close together), you have to learn how to keep the first one quiet so you can rock the second one to sleep (or better yet, you have to develop peace of mind so you don’t lose it when you can’t keep number one quiet). You have to occupy the time of the older while feeding the younger and still provide adequate supervision for the older. You have to plan schedules around two nap times which means at least one child will always be napping at any given point in the day and you will be stuck in the house – ALL DAY!
With three, you just have to learn to exist with no rhythm and all chaos. You have to let go of all the controls you created to manage life with two. You truly have to go with the flow and just live in the present moment (and, I’d recommend a daily calendar to list all of your present moments – or you might miss one – as I often do).
One, two or three – nine or ten children – every parent has a most difficult and important task before them – to raise highly functioning children who will go out into the world and make good choices as they discover who they are and what they can contribute to society. And, in the midst of teaching, providing a good role model, encouraging and inspiring our children – their job is to push our buttons, challenge us beyond anything we’ve ever been challenged by, and make us question every move, every choice, every action, and every belief we’ve ever had.
Not too long after our email conversation, my friend emailed me again – what did I think four would be like, she wanted to know. I think four would put me in the insane asylum… but, lately, I’ve wanted a place of my own.
©2005 LisaPinkus
I told her two seemed easy when three came along and one seemed easy after two – but you have to take “easy” within context because the challenges and difficulties exist within each.
With one, you learn how to never sleep, how to hold a baby all day long and still get things done. You’re learning how to be a parent, adjusting to the responsibilities – not only of the caretaking but the responsibility to love, to worry, to teach and to provide for this separate piece of you. You’re learning about living a life that doesn’t fully belong to you anymore.
When two comes (and my first two were close together), you have to learn how to keep the first one quiet so you can rock the second one to sleep (or better yet, you have to develop peace of mind so you don’t lose it when you can’t keep number one quiet). You have to occupy the time of the older while feeding the younger and still provide adequate supervision for the older. You have to plan schedules around two nap times which means at least one child will always be napping at any given point in the day and you will be stuck in the house – ALL DAY!
With three, you just have to learn to exist with no rhythm and all chaos. You have to let go of all the controls you created to manage life with two. You truly have to go with the flow and just live in the present moment (and, I’d recommend a daily calendar to list all of your present moments – or you might miss one – as I often do).
One, two or three – nine or ten children – every parent has a most difficult and important task before them – to raise highly functioning children who will go out into the world and make good choices as they discover who they are and what they can contribute to society. And, in the midst of teaching, providing a good role model, encouraging and inspiring our children – their job is to push our buttons, challenge us beyond anything we’ve ever been challenged by, and make us question every move, every choice, every action, and every belief we’ve ever had.
Not too long after our email conversation, my friend emailed me again – what did I think four would be like, she wanted to know. I think four would put me in the insane asylum… but, lately, I’ve wanted a place of my own.
©2005 LisaPinkus
You Gotta Sit in the Backseat to Hear the Music & Feel the Air
I never realized how loud the music was or how gently the air blew in the back of the minivan until I had to sit there. I couldn’t hear a thing that was being said to me from up front, and the air conditioner – though blowing very loudly – was hardly blowing at all.
My children don’t always say “turn the music down” (ok, they never say turn it down – they constantly say to turn it up - and the oldest is only 4). And, it is only recently that they are able to say “I’m hot; make it colder.”
I realize that’s how the parent/child relationship exists in many arenas. Our children are often not able to verbalize (have you ever said “Use your words, Johnny”?) what they are thinking, feeling or needing. When the tantrums strike, it is our responsibility to listen, to decode and to respond appropriately.
Yelling is not a response that works. Ignoring doesn't actually fulfill their desperate need either. Getting frustrated only fuels their frustration. You are the parent. You are supposed to know these things. (“Mommies know everything”, my four year old often tells me… “but Daddies know more.”)
It is important – essential, perhaps – to speak to your children on their level. Get down on your knees and look them in the eyes. Hold them tightly when they are so deep in a tantrum, they cannot control themselves. Think about life from their perspective. Take a walk in their shoes. Set aside your own desire to rip your hair out, to yell loudly, or to tell them how stupid they are being… and respond to them while modeling patience, communication and understanding. And, if all else fails, drop to your knees and pray for it to pass quickly.
©2005 Lisa Pinkus
My children don’t always say “turn the music down” (ok, they never say turn it down – they constantly say to turn it up - and the oldest is only 4). And, it is only recently that they are able to say “I’m hot; make it colder.”
I realize that’s how the parent/child relationship exists in many arenas. Our children are often not able to verbalize (have you ever said “Use your words, Johnny”?) what they are thinking, feeling or needing. When the tantrums strike, it is our responsibility to listen, to decode and to respond appropriately.
Yelling is not a response that works. Ignoring doesn't actually fulfill their desperate need either. Getting frustrated only fuels their frustration. You are the parent. You are supposed to know these things. (“Mommies know everything”, my four year old often tells me… “but Daddies know more.”)
It is important – essential, perhaps – to speak to your children on their level. Get down on your knees and look them in the eyes. Hold them tightly when they are so deep in a tantrum, they cannot control themselves. Think about life from their perspective. Take a walk in their shoes. Set aside your own desire to rip your hair out, to yell loudly, or to tell them how stupid they are being… and respond to them while modeling patience, communication and understanding. And, if all else fails, drop to your knees and pray for it to pass quickly.
©2005 Lisa Pinkus
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