September 19, 2013

On The Edge


“And God said come to the edge." "I can't. I’m afraid." "Come to the edge." "I can't. I’ll fall" "Come to the edge." I went to the edge and God pushed me…….and I flew.”


― Guillaume Apollinaire

Life can change. Tomorrow. A day filled with instants. And, in one of those instants, life can change.

I'm going to the edge tomorrow and I know I may be a different person by the end of the day then I am now. I've been to the edge before. Had my toes on the line. But I've never gone over. Always been afforded the blessing of turning around. Of thanking G-d that my world would remain the same as it had been.

I'm pretty sure thats how it will be tomorrow - because that's how it always is - but that's what everyone thinks - before they go over.  I sure don't feel any wings sprouting.  And, even if I remain on my side of the edge, I think of all those who are being pushed over.  The world changes every day and most of us don't know it. Most of us never have to spread our wings. Most of us don't have to soar after being pushed down.

Fear taunts us and plays with us and wastes our time. I can sit and dwell or I can go eat cookies.... with my Grommet cookie spoon.

I need one of these.

September 18, 2013

Lazy Mama

Even in a mother's laziness, there is no rest.  As the holiday of Sukkot fast approaches, I find myself contemplating my most favorite theme of this harvest holiday.  Going back to basics. Sukkot, to me, is almost an extension of Shabbat - Shabbat one step deeper.  Not only do we turn off all that keeps us attached to the physical world (our cell phones, computers, ovens, cars, etc.) - but we leave our homes and enter the simplicity of living in a booth. It doesn't matter how extravagant our decorations nor how sparkly our lights, we all sit in the sukkah with three walls and a ceiling of skach that allows us to view the stars when we look up.

Sukkot beckons us to focus on the things in life that hold the utmost importance. It is our faith and our tradition that propel us to shake the lulav and the etrog - an action that holds no meaning whatsoever outside of this holiday. We spend time with friends and family, sharing meals and engaged in discussions about the gifts our ancestors left us with and how we can continue to make the world a better place for those who will come after us.

We return to basics. We overflow with gratitude for the roof over our heads, for the food we have to eat, for the family and community that surround us.  We don't have to spend our days running errands, cleaning up after children (ok - maybe we do ), making phone calls, arranging for house repairs....

We slow down. We pay attention. We realize how many extras we have.

I feel like I have been in a sukkah for the past month (though I've been without the mosquitos that seem to be inhabiting our sukkah this year). I have been inside - my house and my mind - and I have not ventured out too often. I have done only what I have had to do and have avoided being in my car, having long conversations, standing for too long, sitting much at all, and all the little extras that typically inhabit a mom's life.

I have "chosen" to be a lazy mom for the past month. And, still, I find that my days are jam packed. The hours still disappear before I am ready for them to go. I don't know how I do it - when I'm doing it all.

I am looking forward to shutting down the email and ignoring the Facebook because - you see - in my 'laziness', I have acquired a habit of looking and checking every time I am icing my leg and my back. It's better than a dose of motrin and helps to take my mind off the pain that has consumed me. And, perhaps, what keeps me so busy in my laziness.

The world continues to spin.
The years repeat themselves.
The holidays always bring something new to our attention.
When we live with open eyes, we see the cycles, the paradoxes, the constant movement.
When we sit still, it all becomes present before us.


And, now, I must go guide my children as they hang the last of the sukkah decorations.

September 10, 2013

An Accounting of My Life

It's that time of year. But, for me, it's that time of life. Time to take an accounting, time to look inside. Time to release. Time to move forward. Time to recreate and redefine. Time to reclaim my Self.

I have a lot going on. My 'a lot going on is not more or less than your a lot going on' (that's the nature of life today) but my lot has accumulated and knocked me down.

Back pain. Sciatic nerve pain. Immobilizing and demoralizing pain. For many days, in the past four weeks, I have done absolutely nothing. Other days, I have done only what I absolutely had to do.

Pain is a roadblock to life, and my admiration for friends living with chronic pain is more immense than ever before. Most of the time, I can think of little else than the pain coursing through my leg and back. I stopped seeking relief because there is none. Pain impacts my ability to fulfill my responsibilities, my desire for conversation, and my hope.

There is just no space for those things right now.

My body yells for me to pay attention to life, and - in the distance - I hear the sound of the shofar calling. It is that time of year again.

Time to look at yourself fully and deeply, to look at those things we - consciously or subconsciously - tucked away. Fears that haunt us. Anger that lingers. Stress that simmers.

This is a stressful world and, more than ever, we need to be mindful about managing stress. We have had some difficult years. Things that rip you open, make you vulnerable and raw, and make you rethink things.

The question "Who am I?" is stressful when you've been a stay at home mom for twelve years. Even when your passion has been helping mothers recreate and redefine themselves throughout motherhood. Even when you've been so on top of it yourself. You realize, you've forgotten to pay attention to some of the pieces.

"Who can I be?"is a looming question with endless possibilities but no answer.

"I'm not good enough." screams loudly when you are trapped on your back. Your children get to watch a bit more TV; they eat cereal for dinner; you're not really sure what they are working on in school. You forget to put the tooth fairy money under the pillow for four days.

Self-doubt motivates us to propel forward. Negative self-talk can be converted to positive change.

Back Pain, I know you are here to protect me from having to move forward in life. You are the roadblock to fear because I can't think of anything else when you are here.

I am going to get up now ... and walk across the room without pain, without cinching.... I am going to resume living.