48 Hours

Last Monday, I went to the ER with ilan for breathing problems. We came home around 1am.
He stayed home from school on Tuesday, returned on Wednesday and stayed home on Thursday and Friday. He was still just not back up to par and not himself and not at 100%.
Throughout those days and throughout the following week, we nebulized when he seemed to need it, worried – mostly at night – that he still wasn’t up to 100% and tried to do some other things to help out – like take it easy, lower our dairy intake and run a humidifier at night.

When his teacher emailed to say she told him to stop running at recess because he was wheezing, I called a chiropractic allergist who is using an applied kiniesiology technique to eliminate allergies. What could it hurt? I am feeling very apprehensive about pumping steroids and meds and inhalers into his body to get him through these episodes.

We had one treatment at the Chiro allergist. We eliminated something that we will not notice the immediate results from. The only “side effect” is that once you eliminate one allergy, other allergies may become stronger because the body moves its attention there.

So, today, the day after the treatment, the school nurse calls me because Ilan feels sick. No fever but his stomach and head hurt. I’m certain it’s related to the respiratory stuff going on. And, I say I’ll come get him…..

Oh… but before all this –
Yesterday, when the teacher emailed me, I called the chiro right away and they said they could get him in that afternoon. It would be easier – they reminded me – if I could bring him alone. I called one friend and she would take Aaron, assuming he would go with her. I had another friend’s son here for the afternoon while she went to Walmart and she said she could take my son home with her… so that’s what she did. Then I just had Ellie to worry about. I did make a few calls – all in the 45 minutes before I had to get the boys from school – but nothing panned out.

It was 3:30 – I should have left to get the boys already and my one friend called. No one picked her girls up from their school so she had to go get them. I said no problem, I’d get Isaac on my way to King David. That’s what I did. Before I arrived at KDS, my other friend called and said Aaron was standing in the corner and wouldn’t go with her, nor would he talk to her.

Apparently, his glasses broke during school. I’m sure this changed his whole day. It also meant we’d have to go to the glasses store because his back-up pair were already broken. But, not that afternoon. So, in a matter of minutes, I was taking everyone with to the chiro.

And, then, our babysitter called. She was one of the people I had left a message for. “Is it too late?” she asked. Perfect timing, I said, I ‘ll meet you at my house. I left Isaac, Ellie and Aaron with Amber and took Ilan (alone) to the chiro.

The appointment – of course – took longer than I thought. It was really dinner time when I was on my way home. David was home. Amber was gone. We went for pizza so, of course, we got home late – baths were not given (luckily Amber bathed Isaac and Ellie earlier that day) and homework was done Scout’s honor while I put Ellie to bed.

So, this morning….
I drop off Aaron at school. David drove Ilan. We arrived within minutes of each other. Ellie, Isaac and I went to the Kosher Market to get a few last minute things for Shabbat. However, I later realized I forgot to get chicken. I took Ellie to school, dropped the groceries off at home, and took Isaac to the ENT to check the fluid levels in his ears. He had a hearing test and his levels and hearing are fine right now. We’ll go back and check again in a few months. I drove with Isaac to pick up Aaron at school. We drove Isaac to school and then I took Aaron to get his glasses fixed and pick out a new pair. After that, I drove Aaron back to school, raced home and cooked as much as I could (a noodle dish, a cake, and a white gazpacho), went back to get Isaac and Ellie at school.

On my way, I received a call from King David. Ilan was in the office with a headache and a stomach ache, no fever (as I said above). I said I’d be there but I was on the way to get the little people so it would be a little while. I got Isaac and Ellie and stopped at Trader Joe’s before heading to KDS (shhhhh). We needed to get chicken for Shabbos or there would be no Shabbos (at this point, I was thinking there wouldn’t be any Shabbos anyway).

I went to get Ilan, trying to call the doctor’s office on the way. With the weekend coming up and breathing being an issue, I didn’t want to wait to see what happened. When I called the doc office at 1:36, the answering service was still connected despite their lunch ending at 1:30. Ilan got in the car. I sat in the parking lot – thinking I’d take Aaron too so I didn’t have to come back AGAIN, but I was waiting to see when the appointment would be.

It was at 2:40. I got Aaron too. With four children, we headed to the doctor – first stopping at home to get milk for Ellie, water for Isaac, put the chicken in the fridge
(marinated it first). I made them all wait in the car.

We went to the doc and Ilan is “fine”, meaning he doesn’t have a virus or anything contagious. Based on his last year’s visits, we noted that he has been on steroids for breathing four times in the last year – that’s a lot! This seasonal change seems to get to him. So, he’s on a steroid, and he’s on Singulair for the next few months until we go back in for a check up.

He’s also going back to the chiro for allergy elimination (I told the doc and she was gung ho) and my hope is that he won’t need Singulair or steroids or a nebulizer. Needless to say, by the time we returned from the doctor – Shabbat was nearly on its way in. Thankfully, most of my Shabbos lunch dishes could be put together on Saturday morning. I ended up throwing rice in the rice cooker, chicken nuggets in the oven – David had chicken I had taken out of the freezer when the craziness came upon us and that was Shabbos dinner.

Shabbos morning, as I’m finishing prep for our lunch meal (including guests), Aaron tells me he has a sore throat. He has just finished his antibiotic for strep throat. I had to call our guests and tell them we were bound for the doctor at 11:30. At 12:45, I had to call and tell them that our lunch was cancelled, but – please – could they come by and pick up food to take home with them.




Oh, this may just seem like a crazy day (48 hours) to you but – don’t forget – in the midst of all of this, there was chasing after ellie and her catastrophes, cleaning the bathroom for guest readiness, vacuuming the floor, cleaning the dining room still dirty from last week’s shabbos, doing the laundry from ellie’s peed on crib sheets, unloading three loads of dishes from the dishwasher so I could load the dinner dishes and get them out of the way, so I could clean the kitchen, dealing with whining children, fighting children, getting children dressed, putting toys away, cleaning ellie’s cottage cheese from the floor, cleaning ellie’s pistachios spilled on the purple couch…….

AND, the week prior – when my husband was out of town – I had an eye doctor appointment to check the pressure in my eye, a mammogram that came back ‘bad enough’ to warrant an ultrasound (everything’s fine), a back to back ear infection for our three-year old, strep throat for the 6-year old, an asthma attack to the emergency room on the Monday after my husband came back with the 7-year old…. So, we’re already coming off of a crazy week.


My car is littered with the backs of stickers, given to us from the many doctor visits. Thankfully, we bought the boys' furniture at Walmart because the fronts (and now the sides) are covered with stickers from every doctor's visit we have ever had. This week has put us over the top. We are going to need to buy a new dresser lest the boys start putting their stickers on the wall (next to the holes they made when they were fixing the wall with their toy hammers).

I am not complaining. I felt this merely needed to be recorded as living testimony that I CAN do it all – whatever all means, in any given situation. ☺ I need to have this down so that I can reread it in moments of quiet to remind myself what I need to be prepared for, to be thankful for the nights when I have time to fold laundry and grateful for the days when all I have to do is clean, shop and make meals.

Mama

I often feel guilty or wrong or pity-seeking when I make my claim that motherhood stress is harder than job stress. Having been in - both - the working world and the parenting world - I feel like I have solid evidence for my assertion.

Real world stress does not compare to parental stress and maybe that's the final answer. They are two different things. With "real world" stress, you don't often feel guilty for treating a loved one in a way that you would never treat a stranger, or a boss or a co-worker. In the "real world", there are deadlines and budgets and competition and loads of work to get done in a day that is too short. In a mother's reality, there are time constraints and fiscal planning and too little hours in a day to get it all done.

But, at the end of the day - does it matter how much money we brought home or how much we achieved at work? When we pass before G-d after we die, what is it that we are asked? We are judged by how we lived our lives. The pressure, then, for a mother (and father) to ensure that their children live lives filled with good decisions, actions of integrity and meaningful purpose is immense. Not to mention the anxiety when we do not live up to our own expectations and when we do not model that which we want our children to see.

I contemplate the roles of mothers - frequently. I think, as I have in the past, about mothers of yesteryear who had to chop the wood to make a fire to warm the water to wash their hands... and I think about motherhood now. Our roles may be different - difficult in new ways - but the dedication of motherhood is the same year after year.

That devotion is immense in the early years when children are completely dependent upon their parents. Then the children grow up, and a new level of freedom is reached. You observe mothers beginning to do things for themselves - like working out on a regular basis and at a normal time, or going back to school or starting a new job. But, you see them taking time for themselves.

At first, I thought I would feel guilty doing "nothing". And, lately, I realize you have to look at the big picture before you make a judgment. A mother is often nothing but a mother in the early and middle years of her children's lives. The mother part never ends - mom always has to be there - for heartbreaks and simcha planning and surgeries and the birth of grandchildren and anything else that happens in her children's lives.

When the children are older, there is a bit of a reprieve - brief as it may be. There may be a few years, and then mom jumps right back in. This time, perhaps, as grandma. And I see my mom helping out my brothers and I with babysitting and worrying and taking care of things. I also see my mom taking care of her father and my father's mother, both - thank G-d who are in their mid 90's and doing very well. But, they still have greater needs now that they are older and more doctor's appointments. My mom is their caretaker and their chauffeur and their manager and their scheduler...

Her days are filled again with phone calls to check in and driving to appointments and contacting doctors for test results and referrals - between babysitting for her grandchildren, listening to her daughter across the miles ache about her day, having lunch with a friend and - maybe - sitting down to read a book. Her days are often not her own.

Thanks, Mom.... for being my mom... and teaching me - really - truly - what motherhood is supposed to look like.

Once a mom, always a mom. There's no going back.

What Motherhood Really Is...

Motherhood is a series of peaks and valleys and very rarely do we find ourselves on a plateau. When you have your rhythm down and everything seems to be getting done and you have time for your Self, life is good. Then, suddenly, you realize that you’ve been neglecting something – your passion, your career, your health – and you’re off balance again.

It is a normal part of life, but - within motherhood - it is extreme.

I just called my sister in law and her husband – my brother in law – happened to answer. He is working from home today and was surprised that as he picked up the phone, he heard me saying “Get your jacket and I'll help you put it on.... oh, hi”.

What a mother knows is that as soon as we have a second to pick up the phone and call someone, that second is over by the time the person on the other end of the line answers. We also know the majority of the time we spend on the phone is actually spent talking and responding to our children. “Don’t do that.” “Do you see I’m on the phone? Please wait until I am off.” "What happened? Why is your little sister crying?" "Ellie, get out of the fireplace." "Can you hold on one sec? Isaac hit his head on the ceiling while jumping on the bed."

Motherhood is a unique experience and can only be defined by mothers. I often thought it would be funny to follow mothers around with video cameras all day long. THEN, and only then, you might get a true glimpse of motherhood.

High Maintenance

The night away was probably not as important, but the day was essential. I am not a high maintenance woman - at least not in the physical world. But, I realized, as I packed my bag for a brief getaway, that I am a high maintenance gal in the spiritual world.

I loaded nine books into my suitcase, three notepads, a notebook and training manual for a committee project, and book of Tehillim (Psalms). I spent the first part of my getaway catching up - I completed entering my January receipts into my IPhone budget recorder. I heated water in the sunbeam hot water heater I brought with me and made some pomegranate raspberry tea. I brought along my new monthly calendar - perfect for tech moms whose lives have been transferred to their phones but who still crave their paper calendars (www.bizzi2go.com), and I entered my year's worth of info into it.

I watched TV, thinking I could sleep as late as I wanted but also aware that I wanted to make good use of my day away. And, indeed, I did.

The committee I'm chairing is at my oldest sons' school, and it's the Green Initiative Committee - our first project being a program of Hazon called Tuv Ha'Aretz. Hazon "works to create a healthier and more sustainable Jewish community - as a step towards a healthier and more sustainable world for all".

Tuv Ha'Aretz is the community supported agriculture (CSA) program, and our school is the first school participant. I am most intrigued and my passion fully ignited by the concept of sustainability. The Head of School recently used that term when he explained to me how he entered the field of education - even before he had his own children. He wanted to do his part to sustain the future of Jewish children - and to ensure that it was done right.

And, here I am - on brief sabbatical - sustaining my sanity, the future of my children and my motherhood strengths - by taking time for my Self. Sometimes we need to go away in order to return to our core. And, while I am not participating in any ritualistic activities or deep meditations as I have done in the past, I am still in the process of finding my way back. Sometimes it takes a tragedy (G-d forbid) to remind us of that which is important and sometimes we just need some peace and quiet.

The evolution of motherhood has brought us to an era where mom's responsibilities, worries and dreams have grown increasingly harsh. And, as I type that, I think to myself "how dare I say that mothers today have it harder than mothers of the past". After all, I do not think that mothers from hundreds of years ago were concerned with "time for themselves" or "going to the spa to unwind" or "a getaway with the girls". Rather, I imagine that there time was all consumed with digging holes to light fires and bake bread or stacking wood to make a fire to heat the house or hoping that there husband would return with food for their children to last through the winter.

But, the fact is - we are where we are now. And, today's mothers often keep the house, raise the children, prepare the food and work for a living. Today's mothers are permitted to dream beyond the scope of their families. Today's mothers require time for refueling, building up their reserves and refocusing on the important things.

What IS life if it is not to ensure that the future will exist for our children? And, how fulfilled can our own lives be if we are living off-purpose? And, how easy is it to fall off track as we get caught up in the mundane activities we must complete and the human emotions we cannot avoid experiencing?

I really enjoyed my time alone. I did not delve too deep while I was gone. But, sometimes I can see enough (at least for now) when snorkeling along the top.