When a mother reaches out from a bad day, it is only another mother who can fully understand her. When she tries to describe the incidents and moments that brought her to the brink of insanity, she is incapable of helping the listener to feel what she felt in that moment. Unless, of course, the listener is another mother. In that case, the mere sound of exasperation draws out memories of similar moments.
“Oh, yes. I know those days,” she might say. She is able to recall how devastating the moments can be, how much energy they take to get through, how it takes everything she has not to lose it. She can surely empathize, but when you’re not in the moment, you can’t truly feel it. And, that’s a good thing – or the mommies in the moment would have no one to call.
I recently started writing a column for a far-reaching women’s website. I am the editor for a particular component of the site and part of my responsibilities are to participate in a forum connected to my site’s topic. It is also beneficial for me to participate in other topic’s forums.
When you enter the forums of BellaOnline, recent posts are listed in the right-hand column. Often, the topic titles sound interesting to me, and I click on them. Quite often, in the last few weeks, the titles that I have found intriguing have led me to the CF forum – that’s child-free, for those of you who don’t know.
For a while, I read the topic on “why do you WANT to have children?” and felt like a voyeur, reading the inner thoughts and outer judgments of married women who do not have children. I felt the aggravation they went through when people continuously asked them when they were going to have children or told them how selfish they were for not wanting children. Some of the posts lashed out at the child-rearing women of the world who wanted children because “that’s what you do after you get married” or “they wanted someone to be there to take care of them when they were older” or “they wanted to leave behind a legacy”.
I couldn’t take it anymore. My response went something like this: “Hi Everyone. I’m a bit nervous to be posting here. I have four children ages 7, almost 6, almost 3 and 18 months (am I scaring you already?). I just wanted to say that I do not understand the choice of not wanting children, but I do not judge it. I also think that the reasons your friends are giving you for having children sound ridiculous and shallow. Perhaps, if they thought longer, there reasons would lie a bit deeper. Then again, perhaps not. I always knew I wanted to have children. I enjoyed babysitting, working at summer camps and helping underprivileged and difficult children from an early age…. “ I went on to give my own personal reasons for wanting to be a mother and raise children. You can think of your own reasons.
I also went on to say that my experience with motherhood has been a profoundly deep spiritual journey – one that I cannot quite name in concrete terms – but that it challenges all of my weaknesses and causes me to think about my actions on a much deeper level. Because I do not have a lot of free time, I have to really think about the things that are important to me and ensure that I carve out time for them. I do not have the luxury of just going through the motions with no identified purpose or goal.
I thanked them for allowing me to be a part of the conversation and hoped that I provided them with some new insight. That conversation is STILL going on. It has gone from thanking me for sharing to complaints about mothers with children not having time to recycle (why are we recycling, the CF women say, when we don’t even have children to save the planet for), to women talking about how they have time to volunteer and give to charity and give to the community and raise stranded dogs because they do not have children and the subsequent financial responsibilities to worry about.
Is it conversation? Is it defensiveness? Do people with children really judge that CF people that harshly? From my perspective, I made up my mind to have children and I don’t really need to list the reasons why for anyone. I’m confident enough with my decision that what you think really doesn’t matter to me. Is it because I am in the majority that the situation is not difficult? Is it the same as the annoying question “trying for a girl?” that I kept getting when I was pregnant the fourth time? (we had three boys first)… If that’s the case, you come up with your smart ass comeback and be done with it “no, we’re trying for twin boys.” I didn’t feel the need to list all the reasons WHY I was not specifically trying for a girl.
All that being said, did I mention that I don’t much like being a mother today? It has been an overwhelming, stress filled, crying child makes you leave the store without buying anything, get nothing done, children bickering with each other, me just kind of standing there dumb-witted kind of day…. But I never once thought that I’d like to be child-free. I just don’t care for my job today. I’m tired. My children are driving me crazy. I’m losing my patience and not entirely happy with my reactions. But, this is life… and it’s just a bad day.
March 28, 2008
March 5, 2008
When Do They Grow Out of the Young Funny?
I haven't written in a while. I posted something that I wrote awhile ago, but I haven't actually written anything new. Does that mean my humorous life as a mother is over? Does it mean my children are no longer cute, delightful and challenging? Does it mean I've been so overwhelmed I haven't been able to think about writing? Or is life overwrought with bad mommy moments I'm too embarrassed to post here?
Isaac (2) likes to say "yay-ha" like a cowboy. He tells me I'm a princess every time I wear a skirt. Oh, and he likes to put on a princess dress and high heel princess shoes and wave his wand around. The other day, he was on one side of the mini-van and I was on the other. I had a dirty diaper that I tossed through the mini-van and out the other door so I could pick it up on my way in. He happened to be playing with a bicycle near where the diaper landed. Right as the diaper flew toward him and landed at his feet, he pushed a "button" on the bicycle. As the diaper landed, Isaac said, "Whoa! That was amazing. I pushed the button and this came."
I told Isaac to blow his sitter a kiss as she was leaving. He leaned in to kiss her, so she leaned i too. And, Isaac blew.
That same sitter was holding Isaac as his mouth was full of food. Isaac was trying to talk and was stuttering, and Amber told him to "spit it out." He did.
Aaron (5... and three quarters) has his own fantastic vocabulary and a great mind. David - my husband - told Aaron that he had the same brain as him - the same chemistry, meaning that they think in the same way and sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's not. Aaron asked David to write that down so he wouldn't forget.
Aaron likes to put croakidges (cartridges) in the V-Smile when he plays video games.
The other night, Aaron came into the kitchen and asked me how to spell "do" as in "I do not". I told him and he left. He returned, asking how to spell "not" as in "I do not like". He left and came back. "How do you spell like?" I told him and he left again. He came back once more with a sign in his hand that said "I DO NOT LIKE MOMMY", and asked for some tape and for me to help him hang the sign. (I had said no to something earlier, and he was mad). I did not help him hang the sign, explaining that it was mean and I was not going to give him MY tape to hang his sign. I understood that he was angry but I couldn't help him with the sign. He left the room and returned a few minutes later with a sign that said "I love Mommy" with a nice pink heart next to mommy.
Ellie is 16 months. She has no trouble surviving with three older brothers - in fact, she rules the roost, torments them and can make three of them cry whenever she chooses. Ellie climbs up onto the fireplace ledge as the boys did - but she actually goes in and plays with the soot if we don't move fast enough. She touches the light switch as she watches you approach, and then when you get really close to her, she licks it. She likes to play outside and the second you walk outside, she books down the sidewalk to the street. We have a small child-sized couch in front of our larger couch in the family room. She pushes the small one up against the big one and climbs on up. She climbs onto the little tables too and step stools and storage boxes... and then she grunts until you realize she is calling you because she needs help getting down. We call her Trouble, affectionately, of course, and she sure likes to cause it.
Ilan may be leaving that Young-Funny stage. His innocence is still very present but it comes across in the way he thinks about life. Like, right now, he is raising money for a School Walk for Diabetes, and he wrote his own letter to everyone explaining why he is doing it. He thinks it all through and believes if he can raise his money, then they can get rid of diabetes (if we had enough people who believed that, we probably could).
When he did a book report on puffer fish, he was asked how a puffer fish might get out of a cave or a tunnel if they swam into one. Ilan responded "with their eyes." duh.
Last April (just to show you it's fading), Ilan was eating dinner and said, "Mommy, I think there's something wrong with me."
"What Ilan?" I asked.
"Well," he replied, " whenever I eat a hotdog, I take a bite and I think about it, and I feel like I'm eating very slowly but then I look down and it's gone."
I suggested he start eating two hotdogs for dinner instead of one.
Oh, they are funny! And, I know that I will regret not writing down ALL the funny things they do and say. They each have journals (well, not Ellie - I haven't bought her one yet) and my intention was to write all this stuff down in them. But, I haven't done so in awhile... as you can tell from my Ilan story from last April.
I hope he keeps the Young-Funny for a bit longer. And, I hope I keep the Before-Forty-Brain and remember to write the Funnies down so I can enjoy them over and over.
Isaac (2) likes to say "yay-ha" like a cowboy. He tells me I'm a princess every time I wear a skirt. Oh, and he likes to put on a princess dress and high heel princess shoes and wave his wand around. The other day, he was on one side of the mini-van and I was on the other. I had a dirty diaper that I tossed through the mini-van and out the other door so I could pick it up on my way in. He happened to be playing with a bicycle near where the diaper landed. Right as the diaper flew toward him and landed at his feet, he pushed a "button" on the bicycle. As the diaper landed, Isaac said, "Whoa! That was amazing. I pushed the button and this came."
I told Isaac to blow his sitter a kiss as she was leaving. He leaned in to kiss her, so she leaned i too. And, Isaac blew.
That same sitter was holding Isaac as his mouth was full of food. Isaac was trying to talk and was stuttering, and Amber told him to "spit it out." He did.
Aaron (5... and three quarters) has his own fantastic vocabulary and a great mind. David - my husband - told Aaron that he had the same brain as him - the same chemistry, meaning that they think in the same way and sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's not. Aaron asked David to write that down so he wouldn't forget.
Aaron likes to put croakidges (cartridges) in the V-Smile when he plays video games.
The other night, Aaron came into the kitchen and asked me how to spell "do" as in "I do not". I told him and he left. He returned, asking how to spell "not" as in "I do not like". He left and came back. "How do you spell like?" I told him and he left again. He came back once more with a sign in his hand that said "I DO NOT LIKE MOMMY", and asked for some tape and for me to help him hang the sign. (I had said no to something earlier, and he was mad). I did not help him hang the sign, explaining that it was mean and I was not going to give him MY tape to hang his sign. I understood that he was angry but I couldn't help him with the sign. He left the room and returned a few minutes later with a sign that said "I love Mommy" with a nice pink heart next to mommy.
Ellie is 16 months. She has no trouble surviving with three older brothers - in fact, she rules the roost, torments them and can make three of them cry whenever she chooses. Ellie climbs up onto the fireplace ledge as the boys did - but she actually goes in and plays with the soot if we don't move fast enough. She touches the light switch as she watches you approach, and then when you get really close to her, she licks it. She likes to play outside and the second you walk outside, she books down the sidewalk to the street. We have a small child-sized couch in front of our larger couch in the family room. She pushes the small one up against the big one and climbs on up. She climbs onto the little tables too and step stools and storage boxes... and then she grunts until you realize she is calling you because she needs help getting down. We call her Trouble, affectionately, of course, and she sure likes to cause it.
Ilan may be leaving that Young-Funny stage. His innocence is still very present but it comes across in the way he thinks about life. Like, right now, he is raising money for a School Walk for Diabetes, and he wrote his own letter to everyone explaining why he is doing it. He thinks it all through and believes if he can raise his money, then they can get rid of diabetes (if we had enough people who believed that, we probably could).
When he did a book report on puffer fish, he was asked how a puffer fish might get out of a cave or a tunnel if they swam into one. Ilan responded "with their eyes." duh.
Last April (just to show you it's fading), Ilan was eating dinner and said, "Mommy, I think there's something wrong with me."
"What Ilan?" I asked.
"Well," he replied, " whenever I eat a hotdog, I take a bite and I think about it, and I feel like I'm eating very slowly but then I look down and it's gone."
I suggested he start eating two hotdogs for dinner instead of one.
Oh, they are funny! And, I know that I will regret not writing down ALL the funny things they do and say. They each have journals (well, not Ellie - I haven't bought her one yet) and my intention was to write all this stuff down in them. But, I haven't done so in awhile... as you can tell from my Ilan story from last April.
I hope he keeps the Young-Funny for a bit longer. And, I hope I keep the Before-Forty-Brain and remember to write the Funnies down so I can enjoy them over and over.
Serious Stuff
If you're looking for a good laugh (at my expense), read no further. This is serious stuff!
I am on my way back from a 7-day retreat ~ away from children, responsibilities, household tasks, phone calls, lunch making, driving to school, driving from school...etc.
I am returning to a day that begins by 5am if not sooner and "ends", hopefully, by 8pm (which just means all children are sleeping but doesn't mean it will last through the night). After 8pm comes, I finish cleaning the kitchen, folding the laundry, returning email, completing work assignments, making lunches..... if you're a mom - you understand.
Going away for a week was a gift from my husband in honor of my upcoming 40th birthday.
The desire - and subsequently - the need to get away began as December 6th (my birthday) was fast approaching, and I realized I hadn't achieved the personal goals I set out for myself... things like regular exercise, eating healthy, and losing the rest of the baby weight I've been carrying with me the last almost-seven years. I was finding it difficult to achieve my goals and was becoming increasingly desperate to succeed.
I decided to do a 5-day juice fast led by Jill Schneider, a woman who healed herself of malignant cervical cancer through fasting. The fast was taking place in Georgia - my old stomping ground from grad school days - and was a perfect setting for me.
But, I'm not writing to tell you to do a juice fast (though you should). I am writing as a mom who advocates for a mother's self care and commitment to maintaining her identity within motherhood. In my day to day life, I feel like I spend a lot of time focusing on this but my week away was....
TRANSFORMATIONAL
The second I set foot on the plane and realized I was free from obligation, entertaining, working my schedule around the needs of my children - I felt different. I had time to contemplate. As with anything, when we are in the midst of something, it is difficult to obtain a proper view. An elephant in the living room - if you were flat up against it, would it look like an elephant or a gray wall? We often don't realize what a blurry view we are getting.
I knew I needed a break. By the end of the day, I was exhausted (still am - but in a different way). I often didn't have the energy to finish my daily tasks. I didn't have the space or the vision to remember who I was, what I liked to do or what I needed to nurture my self.
So, I'm writing this post (which I'm going to abruptly end) to say that as much as I have advocated for mom self-care in the past, I am going to increase my efforts 100-fold. Because, not only have I learned that it is crucial for your sanity. I have also learned that - upon returning - you are now two weeks behind (doesn't matter how long you were gone for) on laundry, phone calls, homework, children's need, cleaning the house, talking with your husband, etc.... and that the desperate need to "get away" will return much sooner than you would have ever thought.
I am on my way back from a 7-day retreat ~ away from children, responsibilities, household tasks, phone calls, lunch making, driving to school, driving from school...etc.
I am returning to a day that begins by 5am if not sooner and "ends", hopefully, by 8pm (which just means all children are sleeping but doesn't mean it will last through the night). After 8pm comes, I finish cleaning the kitchen, folding the laundry, returning email, completing work assignments, making lunches..... if you're a mom - you understand.
Going away for a week was a gift from my husband in honor of my upcoming 40th birthday.
The desire - and subsequently - the need to get away began as December 6th (my birthday) was fast approaching, and I realized I hadn't achieved the personal goals I set out for myself... things like regular exercise, eating healthy, and losing the rest of the baby weight I've been carrying with me the last almost-seven years. I was finding it difficult to achieve my goals and was becoming increasingly desperate to succeed.
I decided to do a 5-day juice fast led by Jill Schneider, a woman who healed herself of malignant cervical cancer through fasting. The fast was taking place in Georgia - my old stomping ground from grad school days - and was a perfect setting for me.
But, I'm not writing to tell you to do a juice fast (though you should). I am writing as a mom who advocates for a mother's self care and commitment to maintaining her identity within motherhood. In my day to day life, I feel like I spend a lot of time focusing on this but my week away was....
TRANSFORMATIONAL
The second I set foot on the plane and realized I was free from obligation, entertaining, working my schedule around the needs of my children - I felt different. I had time to contemplate. As with anything, when we are in the midst of something, it is difficult to obtain a proper view. An elephant in the living room - if you were flat up against it, would it look like an elephant or a gray wall? We often don't realize what a blurry view we are getting.
I knew I needed a break. By the end of the day, I was exhausted (still am - but in a different way). I often didn't have the energy to finish my daily tasks. I didn't have the space or the vision to remember who I was, what I liked to do or what I needed to nurture my self.
So, I'm writing this post (which I'm going to abruptly end) to say that as much as I have advocated for mom self-care in the past, I am going to increase my efforts 100-fold. Because, not only have I learned that it is crucial for your sanity. I have also learned that - upon returning - you are now two weeks behind (doesn't matter how long you were gone for) on laundry, phone calls, homework, children's need, cleaning the house, talking with your husband, etc.... and that the desperate need to "get away" will return much sooner than you would have ever thought.
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