CRISIS (a la) MODE

I don't know how they do it. Three out of our four children should be exhausted today, and - yet - they won't take naps. Isaac (almost 20 months) had a hard time falling asleep last night. It was after 9:00 before he finally settled down. His night time routine normally starts by 6:30, but because he had taken an extra long nap, we didn't start bedtime until 7:00. Still, by 9:00, he should have been sound asleep. Instead, I was rocking and singing to him for the third time that night.

Eliana (4 months) also should have been sleeping earlier than she was. She usually falls asleep between 5:00 and 8:00 and stays asleep for 6-8 hours. Instead, I was bouncing between her and Isaac. Nursing Eliana and singing to Isaac, nursing Eliana and rocking Isaac. Putting one down and running across the house to the other one. Once she was down, she only gave me 4 hours, so I was nursing her more than usual throughout the night.

And, then there's Ilan (5 1/2 years old). He went to sleep with a nasty cough. He came out of his room SEVERAL times. His neck hurt. His stomach hurt. He had a scratch on his back. He needed "cold, cold, very cold water". We, my husband and I, were getting fed up, despite the fact that Ilan did not feel good. He finally fell asleep and when I went to check on him, I heard a terrible wheeze - in his chest.

Having grown up with an asthma allergy, I knew that sound. I hated that sound. I knew what it felt like inside - besides having difficulty taking your breath, you shut down. The little whimpering noises he was making were all too familiar. His inability to fall asleep now made sense. He just didn't know what was going on in his body to tell us. Your head is kind of in a spin. You don't feel right.

I woke him up (as best I could) and told him to cough. It didn't get better. I had David (my husband) move Ilan to our bed so we could "listen" to him all night. I knew that probably meant no sleep for me as listening to wheezing was not a pleasant experience for me.

Around midnight, Ilan woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. He was coughing and we were trying to hush him. Eliana still sleeps in our room. Oh yeah... and Aaron (four years old) was in our bed by now also. He was a fairly quick wake up and fall back asleep but he was still taking up space in our bed and was another child to worry about waking.

I took Ilan to the bathroom to steam him - the first step to stopping an asthma attack when I was a child. It didn't help and he wanted to get up off the bathroom floor where I had made him a nice "comfortable" sleeping spot, hoping he'd just fall asleep there. I took him into our back room and propped him up on the couch with blankets and pillows. I laid down on the floor with the pillow from my room, a necessity for sleeping. But, there was no sleep. He couldn't stop coughing. He couldn't stop wheezing. He wanted to go to the doctor.

I woke David and we quickly figured out he would have to take Ilan to the emergency room since I had to be available to nurse Eliana. At 4:00am, they left. At 8:00am, they returned. I had nursed twice while they were gone, responded to Aaron waking up and falling back asleep and getting Isaac at 7:00 when he woke up. Ilan had a nebulizer treatment to help him breathe. He needed it every two hours for the first four hours and then every four hours after that. Problem was, at the time of the first treatment, we were going to be at the doctor's office for Ellie's four month WELL check.

I loaded Eliana, Isaac, Ilan and the nebulizer in the car. I forgot to bring the prescription amount. I forgot to bring my cell phone. Isaac pooped in the doctor's office. I left his diapers in the car because I figured I wouldn't need them. I decided to wait until we got home to give Ilan his treatment. Once we were in the doctor's office, Eliana peed after being weighed and before I put her new diaper on. The table and crinkly paper was all wet. I didn't have dry clothes. Isaac's poop smelled. Eliana had four shots. Ilan's treatment was an hour late.

I thought when we got home, everyone would be ready for a nap. I was. I was the only one. This is crisis mode, I thought. I am exhausted. How can they not be exhausted? How can they not just pass out? I nursed Eliana about four times before she finally fell asleep (in her swing). I gave up on Isaac's nap and gathered my energy (what energy?) for dealing with his EXTREME crabbiness. Ilan lay on the couch - ready to pass out at any minute but refusing to give in - for hours.

I went and got some ice cream from the freezer. CRISIS a la MODE.

Sometimes, I Don't Love You

It finally happened. I knew it would. I just didn't know what it would feel like.

My son told me "I love daddy more than you." First, he told my husband "I love you more than mommy." Then, he turned to me and innocently made it clear.

I've heard "I don't love you." plenty of times before. Somehow, this one was different. It brought stinging tears in my eyes. I asked my son to go sit in his room to think about his cruel words which is how we begin our path to apology... and then I got mad at my husband.

He was home from work early, having been out of town for the past two nights. He wanted to take the older boys miniature golfing. Isaac, 19 months, had fallen asleep in the car on the way to pick the boys up from school and he was going to stay at home. Eliana, 4 months, of course - would stay home.

But, Isaac woke up when I tried to put him in his crib. He was crabby from not having completed his nap. I didn't want to be stuck at home with that - I wanted to enjoy my husband's home-from-work-early day too.

Aaron was excited to go miniature golfing. I know that's where the four year old feeling came from. Daddy always gets to take the boys on fun outings. Mommy stays with the little ones. My husband, rightly so, wanted to take the boys out for an adventure to take advantage of his being home early and due to the fact that he is leaving the country for 12 days a little later this month.

I used to do fun things too. Ilan and Aaron were born 17 months apart. I used to pick Ilan up from school at 1:00 and drive down to the children's museum. We would hang out there for an hour and drive home. I would take them to the park. I did art projects with them. We spent time digging and planting and hunting for treasure in our backyard. We explored the world together.

Now, Ilan and Aaron are in school until 3:00 and 3:30 respectively. Isaac and Eliana are 16 months apart but still too young to do the things I used to do with Ilan and Aaron (though I have to say, I have taken all four out on brief outings - to the zoo, to the park, to the science museum). I need to remind myself of that and realize that their (and my) time will come. I also need to remind my husband of this - just to make myself feel better.

"You know, David," I said to him, "just because I stay at home with the children doesn't mean I get to do these fun things that you do all the time. I'd like to take advantage of you being home early too - especially since you are leaving town again and I'm going to have to operate in maintenance mode."

David offered for me to take the boys miniature golfing and he'd stay home. That wasn't the point. But, I appreciated the offer. I wanted him to have another glimpse into motherhood. I am constantly providing glimpses of motherhood for David, and he understands. And, he doesn't want my job.

In the meantime, I have to remember that everything is temporary. Everything passes by eventually. My days operating according to the very different routines of Eliana and Isaac will soon pass, and we will have morning adventures together. I won't have to stop what we are doing and nurse Ellie on the floor of a bathroom stall. I won't have to wake up Isaac from his much needed nap in order to pick up Aaron and then Ilan at school. I won't have to spend much of my day in the house because my children nap at different times.

Life goes by quickly, and I am sure I will miss the days when my youngest children were still babies. But, for now, I dream of future freedoms and await my moment of adventure with my children - when I will be looked upon as the really cool parent, the one who plays and creates fun things to do.

I heard Aaron calling me from his room - a first in the moments of "time to think about what we just did and how it made the other person feel". I went into his room.
"I'm ready to apologize," he said. Our family is working on apologizing with respect and really thinking about what we did that hurt the other person - thus, the minutes alone in the room.
"I'm sorry for... saying I loved Daddy better than you." In my mind, the apology went on... "really, I love you better because you are the one who makes sure I'm fed and that I wear the proper clothes to school. You're the one who keeps me on my routine and makes sure I get to bed on time. You're the one who knows that I like my hot dog outside of the bun, but I like to eat the bun too. You're the one, Mommy, who I really need.... even though you're not always so much fun." (a mom can dream, can't she?)

I gave Aaron a hug and told him that his words really hurt my feelings but thanked him for apologizing. "Is there anything I can do for you?", he continued. (something I learned from a friend that extends the apology and really shows the other person that you care about them and want to make up for what you did - thanks, Ayala)
"How about a hug?", I replied.

Aaron came over and gave me a tight squeeze. Then he walked out the door to go miniature golfing with his dad.