Full Steam Ahead

Recently, my business partner and I had a conversation (after two months of not speaking) regarding our commitment to a business we both fully believe in. Why - we keep asking ourselves - are we not moving forward? We tend to get on a roll for several months - maybe even a year - and then, for some reason, we taper off. This has happened over and over again in the four years we have known each other.

We have spent considerable time reworking, perfecting and making changes to a program that we believe is an asset to a mom's life. Why aren't we sharing it with everyone? What is preventing us from taking the next step?

From my own reflections, the next step means a lot more time and energy that - frankly - I'm not sure I have. The next step means putting ourselves out there - to be judged? evaluated? up for rejection? The next step involves another level of commitment - financial, emotional, everything.

But, beyond those things - which might cause anyone to take pause - is the fact that I AM always going full steam ahead. My life has not slowed down. I have not faced a lack of motivation. Rather, the pendulum in my life swings back and forth, and I have noticed that at different times, different parts of my life take precedence. Sometimes it is a conscious decision and sometimes it just happens on its own.

I have been working, for example, on the physical part of my life "pie". I have been trying to get my body, my eating and my self-care at a point of extreme health. I don't want to run low on energy when I am playing with my children. I don't want to watch my body break down because I haven't been taking care of it. And, I don't want to feel fragile emotionally because I don't feel good about myself. So, I have been trying to focus on exercise and eating right and getting enough sleep.

Other pieces of my (life) pie have, obviously, suffered because of it. Since we don't yet have our business up and running with clients knocking down our doors, I suppose letting the business slide was an easy decision.

Recently, in one of my trial groups, we examined the life pie (typically called a wheel, but since I'm talking about eating right, I thought pie was more appropriate) and areas of our lives that were unbalanced. We had to pause in the midst of this conversation and reframe what we were doing. The mothers I was speaking with were becoming depressed and falling into typical patterns of beating themselves up for not doing "enough".

Each segment of the pie that we looked at brought about something "more" we could be doing. We discovered we weren't quite where we wanted to be. After looking at several segments (physical, spiritual, intellectual, etc.), we realized we had a lot of work to do - and that became depressing.

To reframe our experience, we had to take a step back, and we had to realize that life is never "done". We had to look back at all we had accomplished in those areas since becoming mothers. We had to give ourselves credit for where we were. And, we had to acknowledge that having goals to move ourselves somewhere else in the future was a GOOD thing.

There is perfection in imperfection and balance within chaos. A mother plays a delicate and never ending game of balance. Sometimes, she must set things aside in order to focus on other things (like when Dori and I had to set aside our business because one of us was pregnant and completely without brain and ability to make any decisions). Sometimes, we take pause and realize that something that we hold in top priority has sunk to a lower position on our totem pole (like a relationship with a spouse - "his" needs and "our" needs often get misplaced for "their" needs). Sometimes an unconscious decision allows us to start focusing on something that has previously been neglected (like starting back up to school - my children, my home and myself need some extra attention getting back into the rhythm of things).

The point is that our life train can still pull the same number of cars. The engine remains the same, but - perhaps - the order of the cargo changes according to our needs - both acknowledged and subconscious.

It becomes essential to look at that life wheel or pie on a regular basis - to make sure it looks the way you want it to look. It is important not to become depressed when you realize it looks differently than you thought it did - and certainly don't put pressure on yourself to change it overnight. Figure out what you want or need to be different and create a sane and realistic plan for making that happen.

I do not know any mother - even one who has significant help - who does not operate on anything other than FULL STEAM AHEAD. That's just the nature of the beast... I mean, motherhood.

We just need to make sure there is enough coal in the hamper and that our cars are all in a row... and, if they are not, we need to pull into the station and make some changes.

Stock Up on Patience

I often console friends who are agonizing over their child's after school behavior with these words: "they held it together all day long at school, they can't hold it together any longer".

Home becomes a safe place to unravel. Mom is an easy target for pent up energy. They know they'll still be loved despite their behavior - after all, isn't that what mom always says?

What is it we can do to help our children "hold it together" once they have returned home? Start off with an after-school snack, something with protein, something healthy. Avoid overscheduling activities. After a long day at school, some children just need to relax or play. Invite friends over. Often times, the presence of others help the end of the day crazies. Devote your time to children. Make sure you have completed any daily tasks prior to your children getting home from school. Let after school time be their time.

But, this isn't really about the children. I'm continuing with my prior thoughts - about helping my 6-year old keep it together all week. By the end of the week, it was ME who was wiped out. I had no reserve of patience left. It was a long holiday weekend and on Monday, I was raising my voice and losing my patience. I was no longer able to repeat things five times before I received a response. My "when/then" statements (when you finish taking your shower, you may get a snack) had been repeated so much, there was no longer time to have a snack. His little energy was so zapped, he would go from playing so nicely with his three-year old brother to turning him to tears before I even knew what was going on.

I had held it together all week, I just didn't have anything left. But, that's not acceptable in motherhood. You can't "lose it" with your children. It is not a safe outlet - it is an inappropriate outlet. So, what's a mother to do? How does one stock up on patience, stamina and kindness? And, what happens when you use it all up (again) and you are wiped out?

Hmmm..... I don't really have an answer.... yet.