I Dropped the Hearts of Palm

I don't know about you, but the hearts of palm was what I was most looking forward to in my make-your-own-salad-salad-bar we served at a family gathering the other day. I love hearts of palm, and I had sliced and diced the entire mega-jar of them. 

The bowl was covered and they were placed carefully into the refrigerator along with all the other salad toppings. One opening of the fridge door - and that was it for the hearts of palm.... And the bowl that was holding them. 

And I just started bawling... And swearing.  David had to come help. I couldn't bend down. The already excruciating pain I had running down my leg exploded. I started to hyperventilate. I got dizzy. I had to go sit down. 

It passed quickly. Was that a panic attack? My first panic attack was over hearts of palm?!? 

It was my mountain piling over. We all have our mountains, and - as high or low as they may be - you never know what will make it come crumbling down. 

I regrouped, made a spectacular salad, and am still ever so greatful that someone (David) was there to help me pick up the pieces - literally and figuratively. 

Ooops!

It's summer break. It's 10:37 a.m. I have been up for hours. I left for the grocery store. One child was up and went back to sleep. One was reading in her bed. Two were still asleep. 

Didn't I tell her I was leaving? Didn't I stick my note on the door to my bedroom? I have several pre-written notes: "hiking", "out walking", "be back soon".  

And then I get a call:  "Mommy?!?"  "Where are you?! We've looked all over for you. We can't find you in the house."

Oops! Thankful I have a teenager - or two - at home and I didn't leave my children 'home alone'.

*HUGS*

I hate to admit this - I was annoyed yesterday by the amount of hugs incoming sixth (I had to change that as I wrote fifth grade at first) grade boy was asking for. I'm not a person who needs a lot of physical attention - at least I didn't think I was. 

Sixth grade boy does. He is a snuggler. Rub his head and he melts like butter. As he wakes up in the morning, he needs a touch of the hand. I always say he needs help coming down from the heavens each morning. And he likes his hugs - every time he passes you in the house; when he leaves for school; when he sees you AT school - lots of hugs. 

I KNOW. I should relish in that and cherish that and stand for 15 minutes with him in a hugging embrace. And, now, perhaps, I will. 

But yesterday, I was annoyed and impatient. I even considered that he was in the midst of some Freudian-love-for-mother phase. I offer my apologies to the goddess of peace and calm and all that is right in the world. 

Listening to Sara Gottfried this morning (hormonal expert and - yes - the peri-menopausal stuff is really happening), I was reminded of a good friend - oxytocin.  Oxytocin is the 'love' hormone. While it is released during labor and helps the uterus contract, it is also released when you hug someone. 

Hugging someone and raising your oxytocin levels not only makes you feel good - it lowers your cortisol levels. Cortisol is a hormone released by the adrenals in response to stress or your perception of stress. When you raise your  oxytocin, you decrease your cortisol and subsequently find yourself at your happy place. 

So, today, I'll focus on giving and getting those hugs. No half-assed, quick hip hugs - but the full embrace! ( personal space invasion accepted with joy)

Everything Shifts

I'm finally 'unpacking' from my week long stay in Chicago.  I still had my carry on bag items stacked on the floor of my closet. Perhaps I wasn't ready to close the door on my grandfather's death. The books and papers still not put away - a reminder of a life; an entry into contemplation of my grandfather's life and the lessons it held; a reason to pause from whatever it was that had me so busy...

I put the Haggadah - the book I took from his shelves - and the prayer book he used when he performed weddings (It was a Machzor, by the way.  It must have been the perfect size to hold and had all of his new-couple speeches tucked inside - in both English and Spanish) on a shelf in my office.

It didn't quite fit, and as I slid it on the shelf - the picture next to it fell over, the heart rocks had to be moved, and the animal fetishes needed to be lifted and placed on top of those new things on my shelf.  "Everything just shifts over," I thought.

And, yes. Yes, it does.  With death, everything shifts.  Nothing is - nor will it ever be - as it was.  Sometimes that's really painful. Sometimes it's filled with sadness - or, perhaps, relief.

Things will shift.  And, we will find a way to adjust.  We will find a way to keep you present in this world and in our lives while moving on at the same time.  We will continue to honor the contributions you made to our lives and to the world, and we will find a way to forgive the mistakes and oversights that were made along the way. We will hold on and release.  Celebrate and mourn. Cling to each other a little more tightly or - perhaps - we will push away.  

The world will never be quite the same. 

Love is All Around You

Last Year:  July 1st, 2015

The laughter?  

Due to the fact that this was the 7th time 

we heard the same exact speech.

I believe - when we die, we return to love.  That in the beginning and in the end and all through the middle - the most important piece of life is love. 

Love is the space where there is peace.  Love is the feeling that all is ok in the world.  Love is a delighted soul and a curious mind. Love is comfort, and love brings joy.

If you believe the teachings of my friend, the 'ghost whisperer' (my affectionate term) - we receive messages from those who have passed on.  A plant that hasn't bloomed in ten years.  A glance at the clock at a certain time every day.  A hummingbird fluttering close.  Or, if you happen to have had a friend like mine with bounce-bounce curls and a sparkle in her eye and her life - your message may come in a more unique way - say, a fly or something much too wild to write down on paper.

Love is all around you.  Do you take note of the love messages given to you throughout the day?  Do you appreciate the blooming rose out your kitchen window?  Do you marvel at the sunset and the sunrise each day?  Does your heart fill with joy as you watch the hummingbird land in its nest to sit upon its eggs?

Mine does.  And, whether it is an observation of Mother Nature or a "sign" from a loved one who has passed on - these moments are all around us.  They are constantly occurring, and it is up to us to embrace them - or ignore them.

Since my Pops passed away early Saturday morning, I have seen more hearts than usual.  It's almost freaking me out.  The angle at which I looked at my pool - the ice cream drip that fell on the floor - the onion peel that girl baby handed me (she saw it too) - the cracks in the floor I never noticed before - the base of a tree that was weathered away...

My response? "I see that.  Love is all around me."

In Loving Memory of my Pops - Judge BB Wolfe 

July 1, 1914 - April 9, 2016

That's a nice, long life!

October 1st, I-Hop, and Cottage Cheese Pancakes

As always, since 2012, on October 1st - I took my children to I-Hop.  It's a bit difficult, explaining to the host, that we did not come to eat.  We came seeking out an elderly person or couple - for whom we could buy dinner.

I-Hop was one of my grandma's favorite places - and probably one of the last places we sat with her, all together in our extended family.  So, my children and I go to I-Hop each year looking for someone to buy a meal for.

Sometimes we tell them we'd like to buy their dinner, and sometimes - like tonight - we just do it anonymously.  If I do speak to the person, I always tell them - though we are buying their meal in honor of my grandmother, they are far too young for her.  :)  Tonight, our gift was anonymous, but we told our story three times - to the host, to the chef, and to the server.

Ah, grandma!  I came home and made gf pancakes and (non gf) waffles for my children... and cottage cheese pancakes (a gram-ma-ma specialty) for myself.  I must admit - I made the cottage cheese pancakes gluten free, and as soon as I noticed that they became a bit rubbery as they cooled off - I quickly gobbled them up - slathered with jelly the way a cottage cheese pancake is supposed to be eaten.  All 24 or so of them.  Yep.

I crave the wisdom of my grandmother and wish I'd had the energy for more and deeper conversation.  What did she think as a young mother raising three boys?  How did she feel as a young widow, living so long without my Poppy Harold and waiting anxiously to 'join' him again?  What was life like?

To me - she was my grandma.  Always happy.  Always giving.  Always watching.  Always loving us.  

What was it like when she finally had to stop working?  When she realized she wouldn't travel anymore?  What did she think about?  Wish for?  Dream of?

Grandma always said it straight.  "Lisa-luh, looks like you put on a few pounds."   Aw!  If grandma said it, it was probably true. 

In some ways, it seems such a short time ago and, in other ways, it seems like she's been gone for so long.  Every year, I have to sit and think about how many years my grandma has been gone from this world.  

I reach for messages.  Guiding wisdom about my life.  Inspiration to move forward and stay positive.  Answers to unknown questions.  Miraculous insights.  Whenever I ask, I am given - a heart rock.  My mom?  A blooming flower in a plant that hasn't bloomed in years... or ever.

I can't believe it is the end of another October 1st.

I'm not ready.

I didn't say enough.

I want more time.

To reflect.

To be.

To love.

The Anticipation is the Worst Part

I had to wait until spring break when my husband was home with me. I carefully mentioned it once, weeks before so the knowledge of it would be buried before we had to go. I dodged the question "what are we doing today?" As long as I possibly could. 

My intention is not to lie about it but to avoid disclosing it until I had to. If that disclosure could occur in the parking lot - the better it'd be. 

But it happened beforehand. Anxiety rose - his and mine. He says no. He refuses to go. He says "I'm not doing it".  I stay patient. I say we have to do it. I try to disengage. Luckily, I had him showered and ready to go - the must do's before playing on the computer on this morning. It seemed like a normal parental request but - truly - it was my ploy. Get him ready and keep him preoccupied. 

The time had come to go. Voices had to raise and demands had to be made. There was almost a chase around the house. But I took his hand and led him to the car and he came - all the while saying he's not doing it. 

The blood draw. You'd think it were life or death and he assumed death. He doesn't like to learn about the body. He doesn't like needles. Really, doesn't like needles. 

Last time, it took me holding him on my lap and three others holding him in addition to the technician. "Im not ready," he says. "Give me a minute. I want to go second."

I learned last time that a minute would extend as long as he could make it. That time, about 40 minutes. And he still wasn't ready. 

This time, I was ready. I brought my man power. I informed them at check in that we had a very reluctant child. Electronics were brought into the waiting room. I had his music and ear buds in my bag. I even did EFT tapping to calm him (tapping on myself) while he was absorbed in a video game. 

Finally, it was time. Thirty minutes of waiting even with an appointment!  As we pulled him in, he reminded us that he didn't want to do this. I sat down to hold him in the chair and quickly relinquished that spot to David. We battled more of wait, I'm not ready; and I want to go second before we - four of us - finally had him secure. David - holding him in a bear hug, legs wrapping his lower half and arms wrapping his unpoked arm. I helped hold that arm and his head which I turned away from the poke. The third person held his poking arm and the fourth did the draw. 

Once the stick was in, the saga continued. He screamed - really? Was he in pain? Or freaked out? He cried. He did not like it and the tension and refusal to breathe made it harder and slower. 

And then it was over. Well, kind of. He didn't like the bandage. Nor would he move his arm for the next 30 minutes. 

We told the techs we were going for a drink and they asked if we could bring them back something. I told them we'd deliver some "coffee" in a few minutes. 

The anxiety. The anticipation. It's the worst. For both of us.