*Please Note: I said SANCTITY, not SANITY. The latter, I am still trying to figure out.
1. my inner piece will lead to your inner peace
By now, every mother has heard the adage about putting on her own oxygen mask before putting on her child's when in an airplane experiencing difficulties.
We're TOLD to do this. We're told we NEED to do this. But, it's still not an easy path. We still don’t feel encouraged to actually follow through with the process. And what does the process entail in the first place? I have to figure out who my inner piece or self IS. And, that can be a long process – especially when you’re trying to find time in the midst of diaper changing and laundry and cooking and cleaning and chasing and – you get the point. No one has outlined this process for mothers. Because they can’t. One woman’s process is another woman’s nightmare. Each individual must commit the time and energy to figure out what it is that permits her to make a connection with a Divine force in the universe. My business partner, for example, feels a connection when she goes to synagogue. I do not. I feel a deeper connection when I am hiking out in nature or participating in a retreat where I am inspired to be a better person.
Regardless… if you want to find the inner piece and, thus, the inner peace… you will have to:
a) define your path to get there
b) start carving out time to walk on the path
c) manage the incessant guilt that will be alongside the path
d) maintain whatever it is you discovered that defines you and allows you to feel connected to something outside of motherhood
2. it's a slower paced journey in a faster paced world
Lately, I have been observing many of my friends (most of whom are younger than me and who have fewer children than me) climbing to a new plateau of life. They are more relaxed (though still just as busy), are going back to work or creating their own businesses and have time to devote to themselves. They don’t have to worry about scheduling doctor’s appointments around naptime or finding babysitters so they can attend another child’s performance in the school play. They don’t have to maneuver their time so they can ensure that everything gets done.
When people say to me “I don’t know how you do it.” I reply with “I don’t know how you do it.” I may have a couple more balls in my pinball machine, but we’re all bouncing, right?
Any mother with children (do you know any without?) “slows down a bit” after she has children. It’s quite the contradiction, isn’t it? Because in reality, she has never moved so fast or accomplished so much in so little time ever before in her life.
What’s slowing down is the ego-laden life we are accustomed to living. All our time and energy could be devoted to ourselves. Even volunteering at the soup kitchen makes US (our ego) feel good. Then comes this being and your life is devoted to another not just because you chose to marry him (which, statistics say, only 50% will remain committed in the end).
Your own life journey (another paradox) slows down – at least on the surface – when actually you are gathering all this raw data for change and growth and learning and transformation. You just don't realize how much personal growth and divine inspiration you are acquiring when you are in the midst of mothering.
I watch some of my friends and wonder if they feel guilty taking tennis lessons and going to cooking classes, working out and having lunch with friends while their children labor at school and their partners labor at work. But, when I stop looking at the bigger picture and look at it from a microscopic lens, I see it completely differently.
After a long, hard day... I'm so overwhelmed, exhausted and tired of being touched that I need to sit and do nothing. That does not mean going to sleep - before I can even go to sleep, I have to wind down before I can unwind. So, when these women are taking classes and getting their nails done and enjoying a little time... really, they're winding down from the years of servitude and complete dependence from their little ones.
Oh, I can't wait to embrace the next level of parenthood and the spiritual growth that comes with it.
3. the ‘panes’ of labor provide an unknowing glimpse into your future
If only we knew. People tell you beforehand about the lack of sleep and to enjoy your free time. But, we are really incapable of grasping the true meaning behind their words.
After all, we all had our late-night days where we got such little sleep. But, we survived, and we caught up on sleep during the weekend. What do you mean we won’t be able to do that anymore?
Each labor is different. It is an unknown – even if you went so far as to plan it out and think about what you wanted your labor/delivery to look like. You just never know. And, that’s pretty much the truest outlook of your future too. You just never know.
There is a lot of pain – as you watch your children struggle through physical ailments and growing up pains. There is pain as you make mistakes that impact your children or react with actions you instantly regret.
Through the pain, however, comes the birth. And what gloriousness is that? The amazing connection with something bigger than yourself… how could that possibly have grown and thrived inside of me? And, how the heck did it get out? Did I really do that? I can’t stand to be shocked when someone rubs their feet on the carpet and touches me. Yet, I made it through four child births - one without drugs. I must have grown from those experiences (and I don't mind the extra 15 pounds I can't seem to get rid of or the wider-than-usual hips that now don my body).
The pain of child birth leads us in ways we could never have imagined.
Transformation. Perspective. Attitude. Connection.
4. Either you can brood or you can drink pina coladas
Spirituality has a lot to do with attitude. With the proper perspective and the right dose of alcohol, any mother can manage what life has to dole out. Imagine how much different folding laundry would be with a cute little umbrella drink in one hand. You don’t even have to drink it – just hold it.
My friend, Robin, and I used to smoke pretzel sticks when we were younger. We didn’t even light them, we just dragged on them. I tried that the other day when I was listening to my boys fighting over who got to use Daddy’s new set of socket wrenches. I just pulled out my little box of pretzel sticks, broke one in half to use as a match and lit one up. I sat at the kitchen table with my slippers and a diet root beer and watched calmly as the three boys ripped apart the pipes under my kitchen sink.
Remaining calm in the middle of life's chaotic moments is CERTAINLY a skill only the spiritually connected can manage. We mothers may have to find creative avenues to achieve that sense of calm, but we are certainly capable of doing it!
5. there IS spirituality in motherhood
If you’ve never thought about it before, then think about this… how often do you pray to G-d that your husband will arrive home on time at night? How frequently do you find yourself praying that you can get in and out of the grocery store without anyone hitting each other? Without anyone throwing a tantrum? Or without forgetting something on your grocery list and having to go back? Have you said “Please, G-d, let my screaming baby fall asleep without
me having to go in there 50 times.”? How about praying to G-d that the doctor comes in to the examining room QUICKLY?
There are also those moments of praying to your child and – in essence – attempting to appeal to the divine spark within them: “PLEASE, pretty PLEASE hurry up going to the bathroom. Isaac and Ellie are playing in the garbage cans.” “PLEASE quiet down so I can finish this phone conversation with the school administrator, telling him why you belong in kindergarten next
year.” “PLEASE listen to me the first time I tell you something. We can add three hours to our day if I didn’t have to repeat myself so much.” “PLEASE eighteen-month old daughter. Stop making your three year old and five year old brothers cry. PLEASE stop “high-ya”ing them.”
Praying is an act of spirituality.
So, while sanity may be missing from the lives of many mothers, I think we can all declare that we are deeply spiritual beings!
May 7, 2008
The Divnity Within Motherhood
And, I thought my spirituality was a separate entity from my expression of Judaism... I just wasn't feeling spiritually inspired from my separate dishes or preparing for Pesach or paying the tuition of a Jewish day school.
But, today, I went to a class led by the Rabbi of my shul. We are in the midst of the Counting of the Omer - the time beginning on the second day of Passover and lasting until Shavuot. Passover marks the time of our physical liberation, our exodus from Egypt, and Shavuot is the day we received the Torah from G-d.
The Omer, which we are in the midst of, is a time of "mourning" for the Jews. This marks the time Rabbi Akiva lost 24,000 of his students - in one month. Every time there is a "community mourning" in Judaism - such as this current time and that which occurs to commemorate the destruction of the Bait Hamikdash (Temple) - our lesson is one of interpersonal relationships.
It is a time to set aside our "ego" and connect with our "soul". "You cannot have a relationship with G-d," Rabbi Shoshan said, "unless you have relationships with people."
What's funny is that I began my conversations about spirituality with a friend last night and continued in another conversation with my business partner today, right before the class.
In a conversation stemming from the exploration of self-judgment and how that plays a role in our lives, we determined that the first step into spirituality (within motherhood, of course) is to be in a "judgment free zone".
Now, you have to understand what this means - because without judgment, we would have no movement, no personal development, no growth - and that's not exactly the kind of life most of us want.
Just by the nature of being human, we judge. You have to judge things in order to be able to determine if something is right for you or not. When you make a decision about what is right for you, you are making a judgment that the other choices are "wrong".
We also cannot avoid passing judgment about our own actions and - we, mothers - tend to be very critical of ourselves. It is difficult to survive unjudged in this world of "fast paced we can and will do it all". We can - no doubt about it. But, that doesn't come without consequences.
Essentially, what needs to take place is an observation - or awareness - as my business partner was told by her Life Coach. We need to observe our judgments and let them go. We need to monitor our judgments and attempt to phrase them in the positive and not the negative. And, as I recently read somewhere, we need to give ourselves credit each day for all that we've done rather than beat ourselves up for all that we did wrong.
Setting aside our ego is part of that first step into spirituality. And, for mothers, that is something that occurs naturally the second you became a mother. The ego-driven life we are accustomed to living is altered. We now have this being who depends on us for everything, and we are required to set aside our own "needs" to respond to the needs of the baby. A mother relinquishes some of her ego-driven behavior almost by default and, at the same time, may feel resentment (subconsciously or consciously) in regards to this change.
This is where the struggle within motherhood begins to take place. Our identities are completely transformed. We are entering this world of deep giving, bigger purpose and less control... is that spirituality? We begin to redefine ourselves. And, if we do it right - meaning, we go beyond the ego-self and it's needs - we may be able to embrace the divinity that exists in motherhood.
If what my Rabbi said is true and it's all about interpersonal relationships - there is no better learning platform than the relationship of mother and child.
We're on our way.
But, today, I went to a class led by the Rabbi of my shul. We are in the midst of the Counting of the Omer - the time beginning on the second day of Passover and lasting until Shavuot. Passover marks the time of our physical liberation, our exodus from Egypt, and Shavuot is the day we received the Torah from G-d.
The Omer, which we are in the midst of, is a time of "mourning" for the Jews. This marks the time Rabbi Akiva lost 24,000 of his students - in one month. Every time there is a "community mourning" in Judaism - such as this current time and that which occurs to commemorate the destruction of the Bait Hamikdash (Temple) - our lesson is one of interpersonal relationships.
It is a time to set aside our "ego" and connect with our "soul". "You cannot have a relationship with G-d," Rabbi Shoshan said, "unless you have relationships with people."
What's funny is that I began my conversations about spirituality with a friend last night and continued in another conversation with my business partner today, right before the class.
In a conversation stemming from the exploration of self-judgment and how that plays a role in our lives, we determined that the first step into spirituality (within motherhood, of course) is to be in a "judgment free zone".
Now, you have to understand what this means - because without judgment, we would have no movement, no personal development, no growth - and that's not exactly the kind of life most of us want.
Just by the nature of being human, we judge. You have to judge things in order to be able to determine if something is right for you or not. When you make a decision about what is right for you, you are making a judgment that the other choices are "wrong".
We also cannot avoid passing judgment about our own actions and - we, mothers - tend to be very critical of ourselves. It is difficult to survive unjudged in this world of "fast paced we can and will do it all". We can - no doubt about it. But, that doesn't come without consequences.
Essentially, what needs to take place is an observation - or awareness - as my business partner was told by her Life Coach. We need to observe our judgments and let them go. We need to monitor our judgments and attempt to phrase them in the positive and not the negative. And, as I recently read somewhere, we need to give ourselves credit each day for all that we've done rather than beat ourselves up for all that we did wrong.
Setting aside our ego is part of that first step into spirituality. And, for mothers, that is something that occurs naturally the second you became a mother. The ego-driven life we are accustomed to living is altered. We now have this being who depends on us for everything, and we are required to set aside our own "needs" to respond to the needs of the baby. A mother relinquishes some of her ego-driven behavior almost by default and, at the same time, may feel resentment (subconsciously or consciously) in regards to this change.
This is where the struggle within motherhood begins to take place. Our identities are completely transformed. We are entering this world of deep giving, bigger purpose and less control... is that spirituality? We begin to redefine ourselves. And, if we do it right - meaning, we go beyond the ego-self and it's needs - we may be able to embrace the divinity that exists in motherhood.
If what my Rabbi said is true and it's all about interpersonal relationships - there is no better learning platform than the relationship of mother and child.
We're on our way.
April 26, 2008
I'm Going In...
I have been known to say that "motherhood is a spiritual journey - so incredibly deep that I cannot quite put my finger on it or tell you anything concrete that would indicate I am a woman/mother of great depth".
I have also happily created and am eager to devote more of my time to my life coaching business ON THE VERGE OF ME (www.onthevergeofme.com) which focuses on balance, sanity and finding oneself within motherhood (my words - not the word of our business - go to the website for that).
The two abruptly collided while I was in Utah at Red Mountain Spa (www.redmountainspa.com) celebrating the 40th birthday of my friend-sister of 37 years. I had a Native American Card Reading done while I was there. I won't go into the fascinating details but it boils down to - "You're spiritually depleted."
Eureka! That was the feeling I experienced when she said that to me. Duh! Here I am working so hard on maintaining balance (while also acknowledging that there is typically something out of balance because there is always something to work on - we're never done), and I "completely forgot about my spiritual self".
How do I find it, define it and nurture it? That is the remaining question.
The definition I like best for spiritual is "showing great refinement and concern for the higher things in life". But, just as finding a website, a book, or a thought on spirituality and motherhood are nearly impossible, coming up with a definition of what spirituality truly means and how to make it active in your life is just as difficult.
Spirit, according to the dictionary on my computer, "is a vital force that characterizes someone as being alive". Certainly, you don't need to possess a concern for the higher things in life in order to have spirit within. And, what are the "higher things" that are referred to in the above definition?
In my earlier years, I read books such as The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, The Celestine Prophecy and Mutant Message. I felt they all nurtured my soul, gave me greater purpose and made me feel connected to something larger than myself. They were life-transforming, inspirational and contained messages I wanted to ring true from my own life.
Later, I read The Tao of Pooh, The Rich Man's Secret and The Alchemist. With my mouth open wide, I said "yes, this is what life is about." But, I'm not sure I can pinpoint the changes that came from reading those books.
Does there need to be a conscious transformation in order to experience growth from reading a book? And, what kind of spiritual growth does reading these books actually stimulate? I still feel a fondness toward them and a tie that connects me. I know they played an important part in my life and the development of who I am? But, who am I? Did motherhood erase all that I was? Perhaps, I should start reading them again - from the beginning.
More recently, I've read The Mother Dance and I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids. I'm not sure if they've been spiritually motivating, but they have been a refreshing, entertaining and supportive look at motherhood.
So, where does the spirituality lie within motherhood? How does one connect with her inner essence while changing diapers? And, who isn't too tired to recall their ultimate purpose when dragging their toddler back to his bed for the tenth time in 23 minutes? And, how do you remain connected with something greater than yourself when your Self has been touched, prodded and poked since 5am in the morning, when your Self - in the one minute you had alone - fell asleep watching Rachael Ray on TV only to be awoken by the prodding and poking of a child who escaped from his crib, when your Self has been cooking, cleaning, driving, straightening, chasing, laundering while simultaneously making decisions for the all-important future of someone whose fate lies in your hands?
Recently, I tried standing in yoga position while doing the dishes. I ended up being the enemy in a Star Wars reenactment with my 7-year old and trying to maintain my balance while lowering my arms to fire. I also tried chanting while making my bed. But, my almost 3-year old thought I was playing a game of Air Guitar Hero and started singing "Slow Ride" louder than I could chant. Tomorrow, I was thinking about leading a guided meditation for the family. But, every time I tell my children to close their eyes and go to their happy place, they start screaming about wanting to go to Disney Land.
So, the task at hand is a hefty one - to a) define what spirituality is, b) determine how to bring it to the forefront in the everyday life of a mother, and c) build a bridge between the two.
Get ready - because we're going in - in deep.
I have also happily created and am eager to devote more of my time to my life coaching business ON THE VERGE OF ME (www.onthevergeofme.com) which focuses on balance, sanity and finding oneself within motherhood (my words - not the word of our business - go to the website for that).
The two abruptly collided while I was in Utah at Red Mountain Spa (www.redmountainspa.com) celebrating the 40th birthday of my friend-sister of 37 years. I had a Native American Card Reading done while I was there. I won't go into the fascinating details but it boils down to - "You're spiritually depleted."
Eureka! That was the feeling I experienced when she said that to me. Duh! Here I am working so hard on maintaining balance (while also acknowledging that there is typically something out of balance because there is always something to work on - we're never done), and I "completely forgot about my spiritual self".
How do I find it, define it and nurture it? That is the remaining question.
The definition I like best for spiritual is "showing great refinement and concern for the higher things in life". But, just as finding a website, a book, or a thought on spirituality and motherhood are nearly impossible, coming up with a definition of what spirituality truly means and how to make it active in your life is just as difficult.
Spirit, according to the dictionary on my computer, "is a vital force that characterizes someone as being alive". Certainly, you don't need to possess a concern for the higher things in life in order to have spirit within. And, what are the "higher things" that are referred to in the above definition?
In my earlier years, I read books such as The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, The Celestine Prophecy and Mutant Message. I felt they all nurtured my soul, gave me greater purpose and made me feel connected to something larger than myself. They were life-transforming, inspirational and contained messages I wanted to ring true from my own life.
Later, I read The Tao of Pooh, The Rich Man's Secret and The Alchemist. With my mouth open wide, I said "yes, this is what life is about." But, I'm not sure I can pinpoint the changes that came from reading those books.
Does there need to be a conscious transformation in order to experience growth from reading a book? And, what kind of spiritual growth does reading these books actually stimulate? I still feel a fondness toward them and a tie that connects me. I know they played an important part in my life and the development of who I am? But, who am I? Did motherhood erase all that I was? Perhaps, I should start reading them again - from the beginning.
More recently, I've read The Mother Dance and I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids. I'm not sure if they've been spiritually motivating, but they have been a refreshing, entertaining and supportive look at motherhood.
So, where does the spirituality lie within motherhood? How does one connect with her inner essence while changing diapers? And, who isn't too tired to recall their ultimate purpose when dragging their toddler back to his bed for the tenth time in 23 minutes? And, how do you remain connected with something greater than yourself when your Self has been touched, prodded and poked since 5am in the morning, when your Self - in the one minute you had alone - fell asleep watching Rachael Ray on TV only to be awoken by the prodding and poking of a child who escaped from his crib, when your Self has been cooking, cleaning, driving, straightening, chasing, laundering while simultaneously making decisions for the all-important future of someone whose fate lies in your hands?
Recently, I tried standing in yoga position while doing the dishes. I ended up being the enemy in a Star Wars reenactment with my 7-year old and trying to maintain my balance while lowering my arms to fire. I also tried chanting while making my bed. But, my almost 3-year old thought I was playing a game of Air Guitar Hero and started singing "Slow Ride" louder than I could chant. Tomorrow, I was thinking about leading a guided meditation for the family. But, every time I tell my children to close their eyes and go to their happy place, they start screaming about wanting to go to Disney Land.
So, the task at hand is a hefty one - to a) define what spirituality is, b) determine how to bring it to the forefront in the everyday life of a mother, and c) build a bridge between the two.
Get ready - because we're going in - in deep.
April 11, 2008
the 7-year old still has young funnies
Tonight, David held out a spoon and asked Ilan if he wanted some (sorbet). Ilan replied, "I don't like roseberry sorbet." :)
Just when I thought he was too old for the young funnies.
Isaac wants to eat the "hula loops" that we bought for passover. (fruit loops)
He also had a pain in his hube the other day - that is the rear part of the hip.
Aaron likes to read the book "Hippos Go Deserk". Every time I read Beserk, he corrects me.
I told Isaac this morning that we had to go pick up some papers from Mr House. He asked some questions that I didn't quite understand and grunted my answers as I do when he does his typical non-stop, often nonsensical chatter. When we pulled up and parked in front of the building, he asked, "Where's his face?"
Then it hit me. He thought we were going to see Mr. House, a house. "Oh.", I said, "Mr House is a person, not a building. Isn't that silly? A person is named House."
He was very pleased to meet Mr House.
Just when I thought he was too old for the young funnies.
Isaac wants to eat the "hula loops" that we bought for passover. (fruit loops)
He also had a pain in his hube the other day - that is the rear part of the hip.
Aaron likes to read the book "Hippos Go Deserk". Every time I read Beserk, he corrects me.
I told Isaac this morning that we had to go pick up some papers from Mr House. He asked some questions that I didn't quite understand and grunted my answers as I do when he does his typical non-stop, often nonsensical chatter. When we pulled up and parked in front of the building, he asked, "Where's his face?"
Then it hit me. He thought we were going to see Mr. House, a house. "Oh.", I said, "Mr House is a person, not a building. Isn't that silly? A person is named House."
He was very pleased to meet Mr House.
March 28, 2008
##!!%%!!!
When a mother reaches out from a bad day, it is only another mother who can fully understand her. When she tries to describe the incidents and moments that brought her to the brink of insanity, she is incapable of helping the listener to feel what she felt in that moment. Unless, of course, the listener is another mother. In that case, the mere sound of exasperation draws out memories of similar moments.
“Oh, yes. I know those days,” she might say. She is able to recall how devastating the moments can be, how much energy they take to get through, how it takes everything she has not to lose it. She can surely empathize, but when you’re not in the moment, you can’t truly feel it. And, that’s a good thing – or the mommies in the moment would have no one to call.
I recently started writing a column for a far-reaching women’s website. I am the editor for a particular component of the site and part of my responsibilities are to participate in a forum connected to my site’s topic. It is also beneficial for me to participate in other topic’s forums.
When you enter the forums of BellaOnline, recent posts are listed in the right-hand column. Often, the topic titles sound interesting to me, and I click on them. Quite often, in the last few weeks, the titles that I have found intriguing have led me to the CF forum – that’s child-free, for those of you who don’t know.
For a while, I read the topic on “why do you WANT to have children?” and felt like a voyeur, reading the inner thoughts and outer judgments of married women who do not have children. I felt the aggravation they went through when people continuously asked them when they were going to have children or told them how selfish they were for not wanting children. Some of the posts lashed out at the child-rearing women of the world who wanted children because “that’s what you do after you get married” or “they wanted someone to be there to take care of them when they were older” or “they wanted to leave behind a legacy”.
I couldn’t take it anymore. My response went something like this: “Hi Everyone. I’m a bit nervous to be posting here. I have four children ages 7, almost 6, almost 3 and 18 months (am I scaring you already?). I just wanted to say that I do not understand the choice of not wanting children, but I do not judge it. I also think that the reasons your friends are giving you for having children sound ridiculous and shallow. Perhaps, if they thought longer, there reasons would lie a bit deeper. Then again, perhaps not. I always knew I wanted to have children. I enjoyed babysitting, working at summer camps and helping underprivileged and difficult children from an early age…. “ I went on to give my own personal reasons for wanting to be a mother and raise children. You can think of your own reasons.
I also went on to say that my experience with motherhood has been a profoundly deep spiritual journey – one that I cannot quite name in concrete terms – but that it challenges all of my weaknesses and causes me to think about my actions on a much deeper level. Because I do not have a lot of free time, I have to really think about the things that are important to me and ensure that I carve out time for them. I do not have the luxury of just going through the motions with no identified purpose or goal.
I thanked them for allowing me to be a part of the conversation and hoped that I provided them with some new insight. That conversation is STILL going on. It has gone from thanking me for sharing to complaints about mothers with children not having time to recycle (why are we recycling, the CF women say, when we don’t even have children to save the planet for), to women talking about how they have time to volunteer and give to charity and give to the community and raise stranded dogs because they do not have children and the subsequent financial responsibilities to worry about.
Is it conversation? Is it defensiveness? Do people with children really judge that CF people that harshly? From my perspective, I made up my mind to have children and I don’t really need to list the reasons why for anyone. I’m confident enough with my decision that what you think really doesn’t matter to me. Is it because I am in the majority that the situation is not difficult? Is it the same as the annoying question “trying for a girl?” that I kept getting when I was pregnant the fourth time? (we had three boys first)… If that’s the case, you come up with your smart ass comeback and be done with it “no, we’re trying for twin boys.” I didn’t feel the need to list all the reasons WHY I was not specifically trying for a girl.
All that being said, did I mention that I don’t much like being a mother today? It has been an overwhelming, stress filled, crying child makes you leave the store without buying anything, get nothing done, children bickering with each other, me just kind of standing there dumb-witted kind of day…. But I never once thought that I’d like to be child-free. I just don’t care for my job today. I’m tired. My children are driving me crazy. I’m losing my patience and not entirely happy with my reactions. But, this is life… and it’s just a bad day.
“Oh, yes. I know those days,” she might say. She is able to recall how devastating the moments can be, how much energy they take to get through, how it takes everything she has not to lose it. She can surely empathize, but when you’re not in the moment, you can’t truly feel it. And, that’s a good thing – or the mommies in the moment would have no one to call.
I recently started writing a column for a far-reaching women’s website. I am the editor for a particular component of the site and part of my responsibilities are to participate in a forum connected to my site’s topic. It is also beneficial for me to participate in other topic’s forums.
When you enter the forums of BellaOnline, recent posts are listed in the right-hand column. Often, the topic titles sound interesting to me, and I click on them. Quite often, in the last few weeks, the titles that I have found intriguing have led me to the CF forum – that’s child-free, for those of you who don’t know.
For a while, I read the topic on “why do you WANT to have children?” and felt like a voyeur, reading the inner thoughts and outer judgments of married women who do not have children. I felt the aggravation they went through when people continuously asked them when they were going to have children or told them how selfish they were for not wanting children. Some of the posts lashed out at the child-rearing women of the world who wanted children because “that’s what you do after you get married” or “they wanted someone to be there to take care of them when they were older” or “they wanted to leave behind a legacy”.
I couldn’t take it anymore. My response went something like this: “Hi Everyone. I’m a bit nervous to be posting here. I have four children ages 7, almost 6, almost 3 and 18 months (am I scaring you already?). I just wanted to say that I do not understand the choice of not wanting children, but I do not judge it. I also think that the reasons your friends are giving you for having children sound ridiculous and shallow. Perhaps, if they thought longer, there reasons would lie a bit deeper. Then again, perhaps not. I always knew I wanted to have children. I enjoyed babysitting, working at summer camps and helping underprivileged and difficult children from an early age…. “ I went on to give my own personal reasons for wanting to be a mother and raise children. You can think of your own reasons.
I also went on to say that my experience with motherhood has been a profoundly deep spiritual journey – one that I cannot quite name in concrete terms – but that it challenges all of my weaknesses and causes me to think about my actions on a much deeper level. Because I do not have a lot of free time, I have to really think about the things that are important to me and ensure that I carve out time for them. I do not have the luxury of just going through the motions with no identified purpose or goal.
I thanked them for allowing me to be a part of the conversation and hoped that I provided them with some new insight. That conversation is STILL going on. It has gone from thanking me for sharing to complaints about mothers with children not having time to recycle (why are we recycling, the CF women say, when we don’t even have children to save the planet for), to women talking about how they have time to volunteer and give to charity and give to the community and raise stranded dogs because they do not have children and the subsequent financial responsibilities to worry about.
Is it conversation? Is it defensiveness? Do people with children really judge that CF people that harshly? From my perspective, I made up my mind to have children and I don’t really need to list the reasons why for anyone. I’m confident enough with my decision that what you think really doesn’t matter to me. Is it because I am in the majority that the situation is not difficult? Is it the same as the annoying question “trying for a girl?” that I kept getting when I was pregnant the fourth time? (we had three boys first)… If that’s the case, you come up with your smart ass comeback and be done with it “no, we’re trying for twin boys.” I didn’t feel the need to list all the reasons WHY I was not specifically trying for a girl.
All that being said, did I mention that I don’t much like being a mother today? It has been an overwhelming, stress filled, crying child makes you leave the store without buying anything, get nothing done, children bickering with each other, me just kind of standing there dumb-witted kind of day…. But I never once thought that I’d like to be child-free. I just don’t care for my job today. I’m tired. My children are driving me crazy. I’m losing my patience and not entirely happy with my reactions. But, this is life… and it’s just a bad day.
March 5, 2008
When Do They Grow Out of the Young Funny?
I haven't written in a while. I posted something that I wrote awhile ago, but I haven't actually written anything new. Does that mean my humorous life as a mother is over? Does it mean my children are no longer cute, delightful and challenging? Does it mean I've been so overwhelmed I haven't been able to think about writing? Or is life overwrought with bad mommy moments I'm too embarrassed to post here?
Isaac (2) likes to say "yay-ha" like a cowboy. He tells me I'm a princess every time I wear a skirt. Oh, and he likes to put on a princess dress and high heel princess shoes and wave his wand around. The other day, he was on one side of the mini-van and I was on the other. I had a dirty diaper that I tossed through the mini-van and out the other door so I could pick it up on my way in. He happened to be playing with a bicycle near where the diaper landed. Right as the diaper flew toward him and landed at his feet, he pushed a "button" on the bicycle. As the diaper landed, Isaac said, "Whoa! That was amazing. I pushed the button and this came."
I told Isaac to blow his sitter a kiss as she was leaving. He leaned in to kiss her, so she leaned i too. And, Isaac blew.
That same sitter was holding Isaac as his mouth was full of food. Isaac was trying to talk and was stuttering, and Amber told him to "spit it out." He did.
Aaron (5... and three quarters) has his own fantastic vocabulary and a great mind. David - my husband - told Aaron that he had the same brain as him - the same chemistry, meaning that they think in the same way and sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's not. Aaron asked David to write that down so he wouldn't forget.
Aaron likes to put croakidges (cartridges) in the V-Smile when he plays video games.
The other night, Aaron came into the kitchen and asked me how to spell "do" as in "I do not". I told him and he left. He returned, asking how to spell "not" as in "I do not like". He left and came back. "How do you spell like?" I told him and he left again. He came back once more with a sign in his hand that said "I DO NOT LIKE MOMMY", and asked for some tape and for me to help him hang the sign. (I had said no to something earlier, and he was mad). I did not help him hang the sign, explaining that it was mean and I was not going to give him MY tape to hang his sign. I understood that he was angry but I couldn't help him with the sign. He left the room and returned a few minutes later with a sign that said "I love Mommy" with a nice pink heart next to mommy.
Ellie is 16 months. She has no trouble surviving with three older brothers - in fact, she rules the roost, torments them and can make three of them cry whenever she chooses. Ellie climbs up onto the fireplace ledge as the boys did - but she actually goes in and plays with the soot if we don't move fast enough. She touches the light switch as she watches you approach, and then when you get really close to her, she licks it. She likes to play outside and the second you walk outside, she books down the sidewalk to the street. We have a small child-sized couch in front of our larger couch in the family room. She pushes the small one up against the big one and climbs on up. She climbs onto the little tables too and step stools and storage boxes... and then she grunts until you realize she is calling you because she needs help getting down. We call her Trouble, affectionately, of course, and she sure likes to cause it.
Ilan may be leaving that Young-Funny stage. His innocence is still very present but it comes across in the way he thinks about life. Like, right now, he is raising money for a School Walk for Diabetes, and he wrote his own letter to everyone explaining why he is doing it. He thinks it all through and believes if he can raise his money, then they can get rid of diabetes (if we had enough people who believed that, we probably could).
When he did a book report on puffer fish, he was asked how a puffer fish might get out of a cave or a tunnel if they swam into one. Ilan responded "with their eyes." duh.
Last April (just to show you it's fading), Ilan was eating dinner and said, "Mommy, I think there's something wrong with me."
"What Ilan?" I asked.
"Well," he replied, " whenever I eat a hotdog, I take a bite and I think about it, and I feel like I'm eating very slowly but then I look down and it's gone."
I suggested he start eating two hotdogs for dinner instead of one.
Oh, they are funny! And, I know that I will regret not writing down ALL the funny things they do and say. They each have journals (well, not Ellie - I haven't bought her one yet) and my intention was to write all this stuff down in them. But, I haven't done so in awhile... as you can tell from my Ilan story from last April.
I hope he keeps the Young-Funny for a bit longer. And, I hope I keep the Before-Forty-Brain and remember to write the Funnies down so I can enjoy them over and over.
Isaac (2) likes to say "yay-ha" like a cowboy. He tells me I'm a princess every time I wear a skirt. Oh, and he likes to put on a princess dress and high heel princess shoes and wave his wand around. The other day, he was on one side of the mini-van and I was on the other. I had a dirty diaper that I tossed through the mini-van and out the other door so I could pick it up on my way in. He happened to be playing with a bicycle near where the diaper landed. Right as the diaper flew toward him and landed at his feet, he pushed a "button" on the bicycle. As the diaper landed, Isaac said, "Whoa! That was amazing. I pushed the button and this came."
I told Isaac to blow his sitter a kiss as she was leaving. He leaned in to kiss her, so she leaned i too. And, Isaac blew.
That same sitter was holding Isaac as his mouth was full of food. Isaac was trying to talk and was stuttering, and Amber told him to "spit it out." He did.
Aaron (5... and three quarters) has his own fantastic vocabulary and a great mind. David - my husband - told Aaron that he had the same brain as him - the same chemistry, meaning that they think in the same way and sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's not. Aaron asked David to write that down so he wouldn't forget.
Aaron likes to put croakidges (cartridges) in the V-Smile when he plays video games.
The other night, Aaron came into the kitchen and asked me how to spell "do" as in "I do not". I told him and he left. He returned, asking how to spell "not" as in "I do not like". He left and came back. "How do you spell like?" I told him and he left again. He came back once more with a sign in his hand that said "I DO NOT LIKE MOMMY", and asked for some tape and for me to help him hang the sign. (I had said no to something earlier, and he was mad). I did not help him hang the sign, explaining that it was mean and I was not going to give him MY tape to hang his sign. I understood that he was angry but I couldn't help him with the sign. He left the room and returned a few minutes later with a sign that said "I love Mommy" with a nice pink heart next to mommy.
Ellie is 16 months. She has no trouble surviving with three older brothers - in fact, she rules the roost, torments them and can make three of them cry whenever she chooses. Ellie climbs up onto the fireplace ledge as the boys did - but she actually goes in and plays with the soot if we don't move fast enough. She touches the light switch as she watches you approach, and then when you get really close to her, she licks it. She likes to play outside and the second you walk outside, she books down the sidewalk to the street. We have a small child-sized couch in front of our larger couch in the family room. She pushes the small one up against the big one and climbs on up. She climbs onto the little tables too and step stools and storage boxes... and then she grunts until you realize she is calling you because she needs help getting down. We call her Trouble, affectionately, of course, and she sure likes to cause it.
Ilan may be leaving that Young-Funny stage. His innocence is still very present but it comes across in the way he thinks about life. Like, right now, he is raising money for a School Walk for Diabetes, and he wrote his own letter to everyone explaining why he is doing it. He thinks it all through and believes if he can raise his money, then they can get rid of diabetes (if we had enough people who believed that, we probably could).
When he did a book report on puffer fish, he was asked how a puffer fish might get out of a cave or a tunnel if they swam into one. Ilan responded "with their eyes." duh.
Last April (just to show you it's fading), Ilan was eating dinner and said, "Mommy, I think there's something wrong with me."
"What Ilan?" I asked.
"Well," he replied, " whenever I eat a hotdog, I take a bite and I think about it, and I feel like I'm eating very slowly but then I look down and it's gone."
I suggested he start eating two hotdogs for dinner instead of one.
Oh, they are funny! And, I know that I will regret not writing down ALL the funny things they do and say. They each have journals (well, not Ellie - I haven't bought her one yet) and my intention was to write all this stuff down in them. But, I haven't done so in awhile... as you can tell from my Ilan story from last April.
I hope he keeps the Young-Funny for a bit longer. And, I hope I keep the Before-Forty-Brain and remember to write the Funnies down so I can enjoy them over and over.
Serious Stuff
If you're looking for a good laugh (at my expense), read no further. This is serious stuff!
I am on my way back from a 7-day retreat ~ away from children, responsibilities, household tasks, phone calls, lunch making, driving to school, driving from school...etc.
I am returning to a day that begins by 5am if not sooner and "ends", hopefully, by 8pm (which just means all children are sleeping but doesn't mean it will last through the night). After 8pm comes, I finish cleaning the kitchen, folding the laundry, returning email, completing work assignments, making lunches..... if you're a mom - you understand.
Going away for a week was a gift from my husband in honor of my upcoming 40th birthday.
The desire - and subsequently - the need to get away began as December 6th (my birthday) was fast approaching, and I realized I hadn't achieved the personal goals I set out for myself... things like regular exercise, eating healthy, and losing the rest of the baby weight I've been carrying with me the last almost-seven years. I was finding it difficult to achieve my goals and was becoming increasingly desperate to succeed.
I decided to do a 5-day juice fast led by Jill Schneider, a woman who healed herself of malignant cervical cancer through fasting. The fast was taking place in Georgia - my old stomping ground from grad school days - and was a perfect setting for me.
But, I'm not writing to tell you to do a juice fast (though you should). I am writing as a mom who advocates for a mother's self care and commitment to maintaining her identity within motherhood. In my day to day life, I feel like I spend a lot of time focusing on this but my week away was....
TRANSFORMATIONAL
The second I set foot on the plane and realized I was free from obligation, entertaining, working my schedule around the needs of my children - I felt different. I had time to contemplate. As with anything, when we are in the midst of something, it is difficult to obtain a proper view. An elephant in the living room - if you were flat up against it, would it look like an elephant or a gray wall? We often don't realize what a blurry view we are getting.
I knew I needed a break. By the end of the day, I was exhausted (still am - but in a different way). I often didn't have the energy to finish my daily tasks. I didn't have the space or the vision to remember who I was, what I liked to do or what I needed to nurture my self.
So, I'm writing this post (which I'm going to abruptly end) to say that as much as I have advocated for mom self-care in the past, I am going to increase my efforts 100-fold. Because, not only have I learned that it is crucial for your sanity. I have also learned that - upon returning - you are now two weeks behind (doesn't matter how long you were gone for) on laundry, phone calls, homework, children's need, cleaning the house, talking with your husband, etc.... and that the desperate need to "get away" will return much sooner than you would have ever thought.
I am on my way back from a 7-day retreat ~ away from children, responsibilities, household tasks, phone calls, lunch making, driving to school, driving from school...etc.
I am returning to a day that begins by 5am if not sooner and "ends", hopefully, by 8pm (which just means all children are sleeping but doesn't mean it will last through the night). After 8pm comes, I finish cleaning the kitchen, folding the laundry, returning email, completing work assignments, making lunches..... if you're a mom - you understand.
Going away for a week was a gift from my husband in honor of my upcoming 40th birthday.
The desire - and subsequently - the need to get away began as December 6th (my birthday) was fast approaching, and I realized I hadn't achieved the personal goals I set out for myself... things like regular exercise, eating healthy, and losing the rest of the baby weight I've been carrying with me the last almost-seven years. I was finding it difficult to achieve my goals and was becoming increasingly desperate to succeed.
I decided to do a 5-day juice fast led by Jill Schneider, a woman who healed herself of malignant cervical cancer through fasting. The fast was taking place in Georgia - my old stomping ground from grad school days - and was a perfect setting for me.
But, I'm not writing to tell you to do a juice fast (though you should). I am writing as a mom who advocates for a mother's self care and commitment to maintaining her identity within motherhood. In my day to day life, I feel like I spend a lot of time focusing on this but my week away was....
TRANSFORMATIONAL
The second I set foot on the plane and realized I was free from obligation, entertaining, working my schedule around the needs of my children - I felt different. I had time to contemplate. As with anything, when we are in the midst of something, it is difficult to obtain a proper view. An elephant in the living room - if you were flat up against it, would it look like an elephant or a gray wall? We often don't realize what a blurry view we are getting.
I knew I needed a break. By the end of the day, I was exhausted (still am - but in a different way). I often didn't have the energy to finish my daily tasks. I didn't have the space or the vision to remember who I was, what I liked to do or what I needed to nurture my self.
So, I'm writing this post (which I'm going to abruptly end) to say that as much as I have advocated for mom self-care in the past, I am going to increase my efforts 100-fold. Because, not only have I learned that it is crucial for your sanity. I have also learned that - upon returning - you are now two weeks behind (doesn't matter how long you were gone for) on laundry, phone calls, homework, children's need, cleaning the house, talking with your husband, etc.... and that the desperate need to "get away" will return much sooner than you would have ever thought.
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