I often feel guilty or wrong or pity-seeking when I make my claim that motherhood stress is harder than job stress. Having been in - both - the working world and the parenting world - I feel like I have solid evidence for my assertion.
Real world stress does not compare to parental stress and maybe that's the final answer. They are two different things. With "real world" stress, you don't often feel guilty for treating a loved one in a way that you would never treat a stranger, or a boss or a co-worker. In the "real world", there are deadlines and budgets and competition and loads of work to get done in a day that is too short. In a mother's reality, there are time constraints and fiscal planning and too little hours in a day to get it all done.
But, at the end of the day - does it matter how much money we brought home or how much we achieved at work? When we pass before G-d after we die, what is it that we are asked? We are judged by how we lived our lives. The pressure, then, for a mother (and father) to ensure that their children live lives filled with good decisions, actions of integrity and meaningful purpose is immense. Not to mention the anxiety when we do not live up to our own expectations and when we do not model that which we want our children to see.
I contemplate the roles of mothers - frequently. I think, as I have in the past, about mothers of yesteryear who had to chop the wood to make a fire to warm the water to wash their hands... and I think about motherhood now. Our roles may be different - difficult in new ways - but the dedication of motherhood is the same year after year.
That devotion is immense in the early years when children are completely dependent upon their parents. Then the children grow up, and a new level of freedom is reached. You observe mothers beginning to do things for themselves - like working out on a regular basis and at a normal time, or going back to school or starting a new job. But, you see them taking time for themselves.
At first, I thought I would feel guilty doing "nothing". And, lately, I realize you have to look at the big picture before you make a judgment. A mother is often nothing but a mother in the early and middle years of her children's lives. The mother part never ends - mom always has to be there - for heartbreaks and simcha planning and surgeries and the birth of grandchildren and anything else that happens in her children's lives.
When the children are older, there is a bit of a reprieve - brief as it may be. There may be a few years, and then mom jumps right back in. This time, perhaps, as grandma. And I see my mom helping out my brothers and I with babysitting and worrying and taking care of things. I also see my mom taking care of her father and my father's mother, both - thank G-d who are in their mid 90's and doing very well. But, they still have greater needs now that they are older and more doctor's appointments. My mom is their caretaker and their chauffeur and their manager and their scheduler...
Her days are filled again with phone calls to check in and driving to appointments and contacting doctors for test results and referrals - between babysitting for her grandchildren, listening to her daughter across the miles ache about her day, having lunch with a friend and - maybe - sitting down to read a book. Her days are often not her own.
Thanks, Mom.... for being my mom... and teaching me - really - truly - what motherhood is supposed to look like.
Once a mom, always a mom. There's no going back.
January 29, 2009
What Motherhood Really Is...
Motherhood is a series of peaks and valleys and very rarely do we find ourselves on a plateau. When you have your rhythm down and everything seems to be getting done and you have time for your Self, life is good. Then, suddenly, you realize that you’ve been neglecting something – your passion, your career, your health – and you’re off balance again.
It is a normal part of life, but - within motherhood - it is extreme.
I just called my sister in law and her husband – my brother in law – happened to answer. He is working from home today and was surprised that as he picked up the phone, he heard me saying “Get your jacket and I'll help you put it on.... oh, hi”.
What a mother knows is that as soon as we have a second to pick up the phone and call someone, that second is over by the time the person on the other end of the line answers. We also know the majority of the time we spend on the phone is actually spent talking and responding to our children. “Don’t do that.” “Do you see I’m on the phone? Please wait until I am off.” "What happened? Why is your little sister crying?" "Ellie, get out of the fireplace." "Can you hold on one sec? Isaac hit his head on the ceiling while jumping on the bed."
Motherhood is a unique experience and can only be defined by mothers. I often thought it would be funny to follow mothers around with video cameras all day long. THEN, and only then, you might get a true glimpse of motherhood.
It is a normal part of life, but - within motherhood - it is extreme.
I just called my sister in law and her husband – my brother in law – happened to answer. He is working from home today and was surprised that as he picked up the phone, he heard me saying “Get your jacket and I'll help you put it on.... oh, hi”.
What a mother knows is that as soon as we have a second to pick up the phone and call someone, that second is over by the time the person on the other end of the line answers. We also know the majority of the time we spend on the phone is actually spent talking and responding to our children. “Don’t do that.” “Do you see I’m on the phone? Please wait until I am off.” "What happened? Why is your little sister crying?" "Ellie, get out of the fireplace." "Can you hold on one sec? Isaac hit his head on the ceiling while jumping on the bed."
Motherhood is a unique experience and can only be defined by mothers. I often thought it would be funny to follow mothers around with video cameras all day long. THEN, and only then, you might get a true glimpse of motherhood.
January 25, 2009
High Maintenance
The night away was probably not as important, but the day was essential. I am not a high maintenance woman - at least not in the physical world. But, I realized, as I packed my bag for a brief getaway, that I am a high maintenance gal in the spiritual world.
I loaded nine books into my suitcase, three notepads, a notebook and training manual for a committee project, and book of Tehillim (Psalms). I spent the first part of my getaway catching up - I completed entering my January receipts into my IPhone budget recorder. I heated water in the sunbeam hot water heater I brought with me and made some pomegranate raspberry tea. I brought along my new monthly calendar - perfect for tech moms whose lives have been transferred to their phones but who still crave their paper calendars (www.bizzi2go.com), and I entered my year's worth of info into it.
I watched TV, thinking I could sleep as late as I wanted but also aware that I wanted to make good use of my day away. And, indeed, I did.
The committee I'm chairing is at my oldest sons' school, and it's the Green Initiative Committee - our first project being a program of Hazon called Tuv Ha'Aretz. Hazon "works to create a healthier and more sustainable Jewish community - as a step towards a healthier and more sustainable world for all".
Tuv Ha'Aretz is the community supported agriculture (CSA) program, and our school is the first school participant. I am most intrigued and my passion fully ignited by the concept of sustainability. The Head of School recently used that term when he explained to me how he entered the field of education - even before he had his own children. He wanted to do his part to sustain the future of Jewish children - and to ensure that it was done right.
And, here I am - on brief sabbatical - sustaining my sanity, the future of my children and my motherhood strengths - by taking time for my Self. Sometimes we need to go away in order to return to our core. And, while I am not participating in any ritualistic activities or deep meditations as I have done in the past, I am still in the process of finding my way back. Sometimes it takes a tragedy (G-d forbid) to remind us of that which is important and sometimes we just need some peace and quiet.
The evolution of motherhood has brought us to an era where mom's responsibilities, worries and dreams have grown increasingly harsh. And, as I type that, I think to myself "how dare I say that mothers today have it harder than mothers of the past". After all, I do not think that mothers from hundreds of years ago were concerned with "time for themselves" or "going to the spa to unwind" or "a getaway with the girls". Rather, I imagine that there time was all consumed with digging holes to light fires and bake bread or stacking wood to make a fire to heat the house or hoping that there husband would return with food for their children to last through the winter.
But, the fact is - we are where we are now. And, today's mothers often keep the house, raise the children, prepare the food and work for a living. Today's mothers are permitted to dream beyond the scope of their families. Today's mothers require time for refueling, building up their reserves and refocusing on the important things.
What IS life if it is not to ensure that the future will exist for our children? And, how fulfilled can our own lives be if we are living off-purpose? And, how easy is it to fall off track as we get caught up in the mundane activities we must complete and the human emotions we cannot avoid experiencing?
I really enjoyed my time alone. I did not delve too deep while I was gone. But, sometimes I can see enough (at least for now) when snorkeling along the top.
I loaded nine books into my suitcase, three notepads, a notebook and training manual for a committee project, and book of Tehillim (Psalms). I spent the first part of my getaway catching up - I completed entering my January receipts into my IPhone budget recorder. I heated water in the sunbeam hot water heater I brought with me and made some pomegranate raspberry tea. I brought along my new monthly calendar - perfect for tech moms whose lives have been transferred to their phones but who still crave their paper calendars (www.bizzi2go.com), and I entered my year's worth of info into it.
I watched TV, thinking I could sleep as late as I wanted but also aware that I wanted to make good use of my day away. And, indeed, I did.
The committee I'm chairing is at my oldest sons' school, and it's the Green Initiative Committee - our first project being a program of Hazon called Tuv Ha'Aretz. Hazon "works to create a healthier and more sustainable Jewish community - as a step towards a healthier and more sustainable world for all".
Tuv Ha'Aretz is the community supported agriculture (CSA) program, and our school is the first school participant. I am most intrigued and my passion fully ignited by the concept of sustainability. The Head of School recently used that term when he explained to me how he entered the field of education - even before he had his own children. He wanted to do his part to sustain the future of Jewish children - and to ensure that it was done right.
And, here I am - on brief sabbatical - sustaining my sanity, the future of my children and my motherhood strengths - by taking time for my Self. Sometimes we need to go away in order to return to our core. And, while I am not participating in any ritualistic activities or deep meditations as I have done in the past, I am still in the process of finding my way back. Sometimes it takes a tragedy (G-d forbid) to remind us of that which is important and sometimes we just need some peace and quiet.
The evolution of motherhood has brought us to an era where mom's responsibilities, worries and dreams have grown increasingly harsh. And, as I type that, I think to myself "how dare I say that mothers today have it harder than mothers of the past". After all, I do not think that mothers from hundreds of years ago were concerned with "time for themselves" or "going to the spa to unwind" or "a getaway with the girls". Rather, I imagine that there time was all consumed with digging holes to light fires and bake bread or stacking wood to make a fire to heat the house or hoping that there husband would return with food for their children to last through the winter.
But, the fact is - we are where we are now. And, today's mothers often keep the house, raise the children, prepare the food and work for a living. Today's mothers are permitted to dream beyond the scope of their families. Today's mothers require time for refueling, building up their reserves and refocusing on the important things.
What IS life if it is not to ensure that the future will exist for our children? And, how fulfilled can our own lives be if we are living off-purpose? And, how easy is it to fall off track as we get caught up in the mundane activities we must complete and the human emotions we cannot avoid experiencing?
I really enjoyed my time alone. I did not delve too deep while I was gone. But, sometimes I can see enough (at least for now) when snorkeling along the top.
December 4, 2008
I could do it if only....
If my children would stop eating crackers - or anything that makes crumbs, for that matter - for the next three days and if no one would take anything out to play with or write with or wear and if everyone would take their shoes off every time they come in the house and put them back on if they are going out of the house and if everyone could just move out for the next two days.... I'll be ready for my husband's 40th birthday party (which is being held on the eve of my 41st birthday).
I am so on top of everything - or, at least I have been - when my children have been out of the house.
Aaaah, but that's what makes the challenge sweet - isn't it? How do you spend quality moments with your children, care for their needs of food, clothes and proper shelter, while maintaining the sense of order you need to maintain your own sanity, and complete special projects (such as birthday party planning where you are creating the sweet table for 100 people) and everyday projects (like PTO volunteering)?
Oh, that's pretty much an everyday struggle - challenge may be a better word - for moms. There's always something. We could always do it "if only...". It always gets done - doesn't it? At least the stuff that really needs to get done?
I always ask myself "what's the next most important thing that has to get done?" And, I do it. I also say "as long as I'm doing something, I'm getting it done." You can't expect more than that, can you?
I am so on top of everything - or, at least I have been - when my children have been out of the house.
Aaaah, but that's what makes the challenge sweet - isn't it? How do you spend quality moments with your children, care for their needs of food, clothes and proper shelter, while maintaining the sense of order you need to maintain your own sanity, and complete special projects (such as birthday party planning where you are creating the sweet table for 100 people) and everyday projects (like PTO volunteering)?
Oh, that's pretty much an everyday struggle - challenge may be a better word - for moms. There's always something. We could always do it "if only...". It always gets done - doesn't it? At least the stuff that really needs to get done?
I always ask myself "what's the next most important thing that has to get done?" And, I do it. I also say "as long as I'm doing something, I'm getting it done." You can't expect more than that, can you?
October 30, 2008
September 12, 2008
Full Steam Ahead
Recently, my business partner and I had a conversation (after two months of not speaking) regarding our commitment to a business we both fully believe in. Why - we keep asking ourselves - are we not moving forward? We tend to get on a roll for several months - maybe even a year - and then, for some reason, we taper off. This has happened over and over again in the four years we have known each other.
We have spent considerable time reworking, perfecting and making changes to a program that we believe is an asset to a mom's life. Why aren't we sharing it with everyone? What is preventing us from taking the next step?
From my own reflections, the next step means a lot more time and energy that - frankly - I'm not sure I have. The next step means putting ourselves out there - to be judged? evaluated? up for rejection? The next step involves another level of commitment - financial, emotional, everything.
But, beyond those things - which might cause anyone to take pause - is the fact that I AM always going full steam ahead. My life has not slowed down. I have not faced a lack of motivation. Rather, the pendulum in my life swings back and forth, and I have noticed that at different times, different parts of my life take precedence. Sometimes it is a conscious decision and sometimes it just happens on its own.
I have been working, for example, on the physical part of my life "pie". I have been trying to get my body, my eating and my self-care at a point of extreme health. I don't want to run low on energy when I am playing with my children. I don't want to watch my body break down because I haven't been taking care of it. And, I don't want to feel fragile emotionally because I don't feel good about myself. So, I have been trying to focus on exercise and eating right and getting enough sleep.
Other pieces of my (life) pie have, obviously, suffered because of it. Since we don't yet have our business up and running with clients knocking down our doors, I suppose letting the business slide was an easy decision.
Recently, in one of my trial groups, we examined the life pie (typically called a wheel, but since I'm talking about eating right, I thought pie was more appropriate) and areas of our lives that were unbalanced. We had to pause in the midst of this conversation and reframe what we were doing. The mothers I was speaking with were becoming depressed and falling into typical patterns of beating themselves up for not doing "enough".
Each segment of the pie that we looked at brought about something "more" we could be doing. We discovered we weren't quite where we wanted to be. After looking at several segments (physical, spiritual, intellectual, etc.), we realized we had a lot of work to do - and that became depressing.
To reframe our experience, we had to take a step back, and we had to realize that life is never "done". We had to look back at all we had accomplished in those areas since becoming mothers. We had to give ourselves credit for where we were. And, we had to acknowledge that having goals to move ourselves somewhere else in the future was a GOOD thing.
There is perfection in imperfection and balance within chaos. A mother plays a delicate and never ending game of balance. Sometimes, she must set things aside in order to focus on other things (like when Dori and I had to set aside our business because one of us was pregnant and completely without brain and ability to make any decisions). Sometimes, we take pause and realize that something that we hold in top priority has sunk to a lower position on our totem pole (like a relationship with a spouse - "his" needs and "our" needs often get misplaced for "their" needs). Sometimes an unconscious decision allows us to start focusing on something that has previously been neglected (like starting back up to school - my children, my home and myself need some extra attention getting back into the rhythm of things).
The point is that our life train can still pull the same number of cars. The engine remains the same, but - perhaps - the order of the cargo changes according to our needs - both acknowledged and subconscious.
It becomes essential to look at that life wheel or pie on a regular basis - to make sure it looks the way you want it to look. It is important not to become depressed when you realize it looks differently than you thought it did - and certainly don't put pressure on yourself to change it overnight. Figure out what you want or need to be different and create a sane and realistic plan for making that happen.
I do not know any mother - even one who has significant help - who does not operate on anything other than FULL STEAM AHEAD. That's just the nature of the beast... I mean, motherhood.
We just need to make sure there is enough coal in the hamper and that our cars are all in a row... and, if they are not, we need to pull into the station and make some changes.
We have spent considerable time reworking, perfecting and making changes to a program that we believe is an asset to a mom's life. Why aren't we sharing it with everyone? What is preventing us from taking the next step?
From my own reflections, the next step means a lot more time and energy that - frankly - I'm not sure I have. The next step means putting ourselves out there - to be judged? evaluated? up for rejection? The next step involves another level of commitment - financial, emotional, everything.
But, beyond those things - which might cause anyone to take pause - is the fact that I AM always going full steam ahead. My life has not slowed down. I have not faced a lack of motivation. Rather, the pendulum in my life swings back and forth, and I have noticed that at different times, different parts of my life take precedence. Sometimes it is a conscious decision and sometimes it just happens on its own.
I have been working, for example, on the physical part of my life "pie". I have been trying to get my body, my eating and my self-care at a point of extreme health. I don't want to run low on energy when I am playing with my children. I don't want to watch my body break down because I haven't been taking care of it. And, I don't want to feel fragile emotionally because I don't feel good about myself. So, I have been trying to focus on exercise and eating right and getting enough sleep.
Other pieces of my (life) pie have, obviously, suffered because of it. Since we don't yet have our business up and running with clients knocking down our doors, I suppose letting the business slide was an easy decision.
Recently, in one of my trial groups, we examined the life pie (typically called a wheel, but since I'm talking about eating right, I thought pie was more appropriate) and areas of our lives that were unbalanced. We had to pause in the midst of this conversation and reframe what we were doing. The mothers I was speaking with were becoming depressed and falling into typical patterns of beating themselves up for not doing "enough".
Each segment of the pie that we looked at brought about something "more" we could be doing. We discovered we weren't quite where we wanted to be. After looking at several segments (physical, spiritual, intellectual, etc.), we realized we had a lot of work to do - and that became depressing.
To reframe our experience, we had to take a step back, and we had to realize that life is never "done". We had to look back at all we had accomplished in those areas since becoming mothers. We had to give ourselves credit for where we were. And, we had to acknowledge that having goals to move ourselves somewhere else in the future was a GOOD thing.
There is perfection in imperfection and balance within chaos. A mother plays a delicate and never ending game of balance. Sometimes, she must set things aside in order to focus on other things (like when Dori and I had to set aside our business because one of us was pregnant and completely without brain and ability to make any decisions). Sometimes, we take pause and realize that something that we hold in top priority has sunk to a lower position on our totem pole (like a relationship with a spouse - "his" needs and "our" needs often get misplaced for "their" needs). Sometimes an unconscious decision allows us to start focusing on something that has previously been neglected (like starting back up to school - my children, my home and myself need some extra attention getting back into the rhythm of things).
The point is that our life train can still pull the same number of cars. The engine remains the same, but - perhaps - the order of the cargo changes according to our needs - both acknowledged and subconscious.
It becomes essential to look at that life wheel or pie on a regular basis - to make sure it looks the way you want it to look. It is important not to become depressed when you realize it looks differently than you thought it did - and certainly don't put pressure on yourself to change it overnight. Figure out what you want or need to be different and create a sane and realistic plan for making that happen.
I do not know any mother - even one who has significant help - who does not operate on anything other than FULL STEAM AHEAD. That's just the nature of the beast... I mean, motherhood.
We just need to make sure there is enough coal in the hamper and that our cars are all in a row... and, if they are not, we need to pull into the station and make some changes.
September 6, 2008
Stock Up on Patience
I often console friends who are agonizing over their child's after school behavior with these words: "they held it together all day long at school, they can't hold it together any longer".
Home becomes a safe place to unravel. Mom is an easy target for pent up energy. They know they'll still be loved despite their behavior - after all, isn't that what mom always says?
What is it we can do to help our children "hold it together" once they have returned home? Start off with an after-school snack, something with protein, something healthy. Avoid overscheduling activities. After a long day at school, some children just need to relax or play. Invite friends over. Often times, the presence of others help the end of the day crazies. Devote your time to children. Make sure you have completed any daily tasks prior to your children getting home from school. Let after school time be their time.
But, this isn't really about the children. I'm continuing with my prior thoughts - about helping my 6-year old keep it together all week. By the end of the week, it was ME who was wiped out. I had no reserve of patience left. It was a long holiday weekend and on Monday, I was raising my voice and losing my patience. I was no longer able to repeat things five times before I received a response. My "when/then" statements (when you finish taking your shower, you may get a snack) had been repeated so much, there was no longer time to have a snack. His little energy was so zapped, he would go from playing so nicely with his three-year old brother to turning him to tears before I even knew what was going on.
I had held it together all week, I just didn't have anything left. But, that's not acceptable in motherhood. You can't "lose it" with your children. It is not a safe outlet - it is an inappropriate outlet. So, what's a mother to do? How does one stock up on patience, stamina and kindness? And, what happens when you use it all up (again) and you are wiped out?
Hmmm..... I don't really have an answer.... yet.
Home becomes a safe place to unravel. Mom is an easy target for pent up energy. They know they'll still be loved despite their behavior - after all, isn't that what mom always says?
What is it we can do to help our children "hold it together" once they have returned home? Start off with an after-school snack, something with protein, something healthy. Avoid overscheduling activities. After a long day at school, some children just need to relax or play. Invite friends over. Often times, the presence of others help the end of the day crazies. Devote your time to children. Make sure you have completed any daily tasks prior to your children getting home from school. Let after school time be their time.
But, this isn't really about the children. I'm continuing with my prior thoughts - about helping my 6-year old keep it together all week. By the end of the week, it was ME who was wiped out. I had no reserve of patience left. It was a long holiday weekend and on Monday, I was raising my voice and losing my patience. I was no longer able to repeat things five times before I received a response. My "when/then" statements (when you finish taking your shower, you may get a snack) had been repeated so much, there was no longer time to have a snack. His little energy was so zapped, he would go from playing so nicely with his three-year old brother to turning him to tears before I even knew what was going on.
I had held it together all week, I just didn't have anything left. But, that's not acceptable in motherhood. You can't "lose it" with your children. It is not a safe outlet - it is an inappropriate outlet. So, what's a mother to do? How does one stock up on patience, stamina and kindness? And, what happens when you use it all up (again) and you are wiped out?
Hmmm..... I don't really have an answer.... yet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)