Winter & Jackets - Are They Necessary?

I choose not to beat myself up.
I choose to learn from my mistakes.
I hate when my mistakes involve my children.

Watch the unfolding of something so simple swirl into something beyond your control.
A simple thing.
The weather.
An announcement from the principal yesterday that the weather was getting cold and to - please - bring the appropriate attire.
My children came home from school yesterday announcing that they had to bring their jackets to school today.

And, when today came, one of them could not find his jacket.
But, the story is a bit longer than that.

This child takes a long time to get ready in the morning, needs a lot of prodding, and requires some reminders to look at the time on the clock.  This morning was no different.

The time edged closer to the first bell.  I was already driving another child to school and waited two minutes for the last one to finish getting ready - telling him that he should brush his teeth first and put his shoes on in the car.  That way, if he was late - he would not also make his sister late (professional time strategist here). 

We get into the car, and he soon realizes that he does not have his sweatshirt (hardly an appropriate winter jacket) in his backpack.  He has to go home and get it.  I even offer to go home and get it and bring it to him so he doesn't have to be late for school.  He turns down my generous offer.

I drop off the sister and head back home (30-second drive).  He goes into the house and I'm waiting... and waiting... and waiting.  I know what is going to happen.  He comes out and whimpers that he cannot find his sweatshirt.  He left it in his backpack.  It's not there.  He cannot find it in the house.

I tell him that his gray fleece is hanging on the hook, and he may get that jacket.  He looks at me like I just told him to go to school naked.  He goes back into the house.  I wait.... and wait... and wait.  He comes back out without the sweatshirt and without the jacket.  He gets in the car.

I say, "So, you are choosing to go to school without a jacket when your principal told you yesterday that it was going to be cold and you need to dress appropriately?  You are choosing to do this instead of bringing the fleece jacket hanging on the hook right inside the door?"

The child answers, "Yes."

Here is the moment.  I make a comment about how 'stupid' (I did not use that word; my word was probably worse) that was and about how the inability to be flexible was going to cause him to stay in at recess.  I told him to make sure he stayed inside at recess, even if no one noticed his missing jacket.

I dropped him off without a word and started to pull away - I realized he was late.  I rolled down my window and called him back to the car.  "I have to take you to the front entrance," I said, "the gates are locked.  You are late."

So, he got in the car and we pulled around to the front.  I walked him inside and watched him get his tardy slip.  
"Good-bye mom.  I love you, mom."

Daggers.  He loves me?  After that bad-mommy moment?  He still loves me?  Have I taught him well?  To love through anger and pain?  Is he trying to confirm that I still love him - through my anger?  Whatever the reason, I love him too.

And, as I come to the end of highlighting my own turmoil, I have learned that there has been another school shooting.  I have paused from writing to read and - though it didn't get as far as Sandy Hook - it rips me apart. The pain, anger, and hurt within that can cause a child to commit such a horrendous act.  The failure of society to make it difficult for a child to follow through with such a thought.  The fear, despair, and anguish in the Taft High School community.

I'm thinking I'll take my child out of school and have lunch with him today.