... is a concept I overheard a dear friend share with her 7-year old daughter. It certainly introduces a better way of thinking than "practice makes perfect". And, it definitely sets our children up for more realistic success and the experience of pleasure during the process of achieving goals. Not to mention - in this fast paced, over-achieving, need to have more society that we are living in, it's nice to give our children a break here and there from the pressure.
From an adult perspective - especially that of a mother - I think it is a rather spiritual concept. I'm thinking specifically of my six-year old son who started kindergarten this year. We chose for him to be the oldest in his class rather than the youngest, and you'll soon know why.
After the start of school this year, I realized that in order to set up an environment where my son could successfully get ready in the morning, I had to rise early enough to get myself ready, finish packing the lunches and get anything else out of the way that I might normally do in the midst of everyone getting ready for school. I learned I couldn't rely on him to follow through on my directions and that the devotion of my time to him was crucial to a smooth morning.
Not only that, I could not dress the two younger ones while he sat next to me getting himself ready. It was essential to interact with him and help him, even though he didn't "need" help. Telling him to get dressed led to distraction, and I'd find him playing with Star Wars figures, building something out of Legos, or coloring in his room. My constant prodding, poking and even yelling still left us behind in the morning schedule, and our stress levels rose high trying to get into the car on time.
Check off charts provided immediate relief but did not sustain us over more than a few days. Setting timers and working as a family to beat the clock worked for only one day. So, I decided that devoted attention was the best way to resolve this problem. And, certainly, it has been.
The flip side of that is - I'm exhausted. Not only do I get a little less sleep because I have to wake up earlier, but it takes a lot of energy to stay focused while helping my son stay focused. If I wander away for a moment to take care of someone else, he will stray from the path of getting ready. I need to be on him, I need to be non-stop, I need to stay on top of the time and making sure everyone else is ready. It requires balance, skill, strategic planning (I do have a two and three year old who actually NEED my help to get ready in the morning) and finesse. It means I often forget to eat breakfast - a meal I never would have skipped before. It means I'm sucking in all his wandering energy while holding him steadily in place.
And, that brings me back to Practice Makes Progress. As I paused at the end of our week of staying on top of the morning schedule to welcome my husband back (after being gone all week) into the routine, I noted he is not actually part of this routine. His presence leads to a bit more chaos and distraction in the morning schedule (excitement to see daddy, play time, telling daddy everything he missed while he was gone, shattered hopes of staying home all day with daddy because we have to go to school and he has to go to work, etc). I have to kick it up a notch and I feel the old anxiety oozing back in. But, we make it. They're at school. And, I'm exhausted.
How can I keep this up? I have to do this again next week? But, practice makes progress. And, Aaron will make progress in his own abilities to get ready in the morning. And, I will make progress with my ability to direct the rhythms of morning readiness. And - beyond that - I will figure out what I need to do to refuel so that I am prepared to perform this routine again and again.
That might entail praying to G-d for my sanity, utilizing energy empowering exercises that my friends and family would roll their eyes at, talking aloud as though being filmed on a reality TV show or pretending my diet root beer is alcoholic.
Whatever the solution may be - practice makes progress. That is all I can expect of my children and that is all I can expect of myself. Thanks, Julie.
August 31, 2008
August 15, 2008
It's So Hard to Stop
Stopping is spiritual.
Have you ever been in a position where you ask your child to stop - stop playing their computer game? stop screaming & running through the house? stop with day time behavior and enter night time behavior?
You ask them to stop (after you've given your 15-minute, 10-minute and 5-minute warnings). You walk out of the room expecting that they will turn off the TV, put their things away and find something else to do. You walk back into the room 10 minutes later and find they are still playing the same game you left them playing.
You get angry. How dare you continue to play. I gave you warning. It doesn't matter if you're in the middle of a game. You knew you had five minutes left, so why would you start another game? Oh, I'm very disappointed.
Well, hold on. Think about your own night time routine. You know you should get to bed by a certain time because you know what time you have to wake up in the morning. How many hours of sleep do you need to function well? I need at least six, but eight will give me the cushion to allot for children waking me up in the middle of the night.
So, WHY do I find myself doing "one more thing" before I retire for the night? It's the same principle as above with our children.... kind of. We're not always engaged in something so fun, but we have things that need to get done. We don't always have time during the day to accomplish all our "things". We feel the pressure and overwhelm with all that we have to do.
But, stopping can be spiritual. Nurturing our bodies, which is what we do when we stop, can feed our soul. Taking the pause that we need will allow us to better accomplish the tasks we need to get done - the most important being - taking care of our children and enjoying our moments with them.
While it may be difficult to stop, we can be a model for our children (even if they don't observe us doing it) by following our own instructions. "It's time to stop. Go to bed. Enjoy some tea. Take a pause and stop doing.... at least for a moment."
Have you ever been in a position where you ask your child to stop - stop playing their computer game? stop screaming & running through the house? stop with day time behavior and enter night time behavior?
You ask them to stop (after you've given your 15-minute, 10-minute and 5-minute warnings). You walk out of the room expecting that they will turn off the TV, put their things away and find something else to do. You walk back into the room 10 minutes later and find they are still playing the same game you left them playing.
You get angry. How dare you continue to play. I gave you warning. It doesn't matter if you're in the middle of a game. You knew you had five minutes left, so why would you start another game? Oh, I'm very disappointed.
Well, hold on. Think about your own night time routine. You know you should get to bed by a certain time because you know what time you have to wake up in the morning. How many hours of sleep do you need to function well? I need at least six, but eight will give me the cushion to allot for children waking me up in the middle of the night.
So, WHY do I find myself doing "one more thing" before I retire for the night? It's the same principle as above with our children.... kind of. We're not always engaged in something so fun, but we have things that need to get done. We don't always have time during the day to accomplish all our "things". We feel the pressure and overwhelm with all that we have to do.
But, stopping can be spiritual. Nurturing our bodies, which is what we do when we stop, can feed our soul. Taking the pause that we need will allow us to better accomplish the tasks we need to get done - the most important being - taking care of our children and enjoying our moments with them.
While it may be difficult to stop, we can be a model for our children (even if they don't observe us doing it) by following our own instructions. "It's time to stop. Go to bed. Enjoy some tea. Take a pause and stop doing.... at least for a moment."
July 28, 2008
The Blessing of a Mom Named Wendy Mogel
When I first found The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, I purchased several of them and passed them out to friends. This was before I even read past the first chapter. I just knew this was a book worth reading, and I wanted to share it.
I am currently reading it again (out of order) and am particularly fascinated with the chapter on The Blessing of Self Control. These are merely my notes on that chapter - one which I hope to explore more deeply. While I'm curious about the spiritual aspects of motherhood from the mother's point of view, this chapter provides insight into the spiritual essence between parent and child. Here we go - remember, these are the thoughts of the author, Wendy Mogel, with some of my own wording.
Teaching children discipline and self-control is one of the essential tasks of parenthood.
A child's greatest strength (and, perhaps, ours as well) is hidden within his or her worst quality (the yetzer hara or evil inclination).
Removing barriers to allow our children constructive expression of their yetzer hara is our job as a parent.
This is not done merely by proper discipline but also through acceptance of a child's temperament, their limitations and your ability to focus on his or her strengths.
It is important for a parent to know appropriate developmental age-related expectations for their child. Especially today - with so many children being pushed into our competitive, have it all, do many things society - parents lose track of what's really "right" for their children.
Louse Bates Ames has a series of books that outline developmentally appropriate steps for each age level - up to 12, I think. For example, did you know it is common for 7-year olds to enter a phase of morbidity and darkness? Their Rorshack Ink Blot test can look very similar to that of a suicidal adult.
Wendy Mogel is a clinical psychologist and has worked extensively with family issues. She talks about well-intentioned but misguided parents (probaby the ones I referred to above) and how they fall into several categories:
1. we are equal - parents who want to be rational and reasonable with their children
2. on the go - always moving and needing something to do - never relax at home and share quiet time with their children
3. anxious - spend so much time in fearlessness and warning their children about the world's dangers
4. competitive - parents may be frustrated by child's lack of ambition. appearantly, parents are competitive enough for everyone
5. suffering - with unspoken and harboring resentment between spouses, children may also be unhappy
6. me, me, me - children are seen as a personal achievement
Our children will help bring out our very worst parts. For example, a wimpy parent will get walked all over by her children. A moody parent may have to deal with a child who is even moodier.
The importance of the roles we model: if we expect our children to make healthy eating choices, to buckle down with homework right after school or go to sleep when they don't feel tired -then we need to do the same. Sometimes we don't feel like it, do we?
There is a child discussed in this chapter who is described as bossy. She is four years old and she takes charge of the whole family. Mogel helps the family learn to refocus their annoyances as positive traits - something psychotherapists call 'reframing'. Here are some examples:
- stubborn is persistence
- complaining child might be discerning
- shy child is cautious and modest
- picky, nervous or obssessive child is serious and detail-oriented
She then asks parents to assess whether or not their child has sufficient opportunity to express these natural tendencies in constructive ways. Don't set children up to fail by putting them in a situation you know won't work for them. Looking for patterns in the 'unacceptable behavior' will help you to set up situations where your child can succeed.
The bossy four year old was given tasks such as monitoring the family calendar, reminding her mom to turn on the dishwasher at night, to tell her dad to empty his pockets before putting clothes in the hamper and teaching her little sister a new game. She had "real" tasks, too, that involved straightening the magazines, sweeping the front porch and setting the table. But, her yetzer hara was allowed expression in an appropriate and fulfilling manner.
Here is the Jewish twist on discpline and guiding our children:
Avoid using the word always and never. Jewish law permits the performance of certain mitzvot to be imperfect. The obligation is still considered fulfilled.
Judaism places tremendous emphasis on the power of words. We can use words to enrich our children's lives or they can be misused.
When your efforts to set up successful environments, to know your child and his needs, and to focus on what's truly important need the help of more disciplinary measures... here are some guidelines and things to consider -
The proper rebuke offers the child a chance to learn about parental values and standards of behavior.
According to Rashi, an 11th century commentator, the most difficult part of delivering a rebuke is not shaming your child. Protecting others from shame is central to Jewish thinking. Shame causes such great pain that it is likened to murder (oh, great - don't start with any additional mother guilt from that statement - just read it and go on).
There are three types of sin in Judaism:
cheit or inadvertent sin, done by accident: the experience itself is the teacher. If your child forgets her lunch several days in a row, and it is not brought to her - she will learn her lesson. Your effort in the situation involves pushing aside the desire to 'fix it' for her by bringing her lunch to school.
avon committed out of the pull of desire - When rebuking during this type of 'sin', Maimonides offers some advice in the Mishna Torah. Administer the rebuke in private, speak gently and tenderly, and remember you are speaking for the wrongdoer's benefit not to humiliate. Finally, Maimonides says to put the rebuke in the context of your high regard for the person. "You probably didn't think this through" or "this does not become you"
Explain the consequence for the behavior. Evaluate your child's reaction. Resist the argument. Offer an opportunity to make ammends.
Teshuvah means "return" and is an opportunity to return to your best self after having strayed off course. In order to do Teshuvah, you must take action to "right the wrong".
pesha rebellious sin, done with the clear intention of demonstrating to G-d - or parent - that he is not our master
Judaism further says that punishment should only occur if children have been forewarned of what to expect if they misbehave. The Talmud also warns against threatening a child with future harsh punishment.
To find effective punishments, reframe entitlements as privileges. This is one of my favorite parts of the chapter. As parents we get so caught up and begin to take for granted all of the things our children have. They have become expectations and proper gratitude is rarely expressed.
Children are entitled to the basics - food, clothing,shelter and everything else is a privilege.
Change If/Then statements - if you clean up your room, then we'll go the park
to
When/Then statements - when you clean up your room, then we can go to the park
Explain what you need from your child. When you remember to put your clothes in the hamper for three days in a row without my reminder then you'll be able to watch TV in the evening.
Ask your child to repeat what it is you are asking of him or her.
Finally, Judaism teaches us that working on middot (good characteristic traits) is a lifelong process. Raising children help us build our own middot because changing their bad behaviors requires us to do the same with ours.
If we can view parenthood as part of this lifelong growing process of developing positive traits - then every confrontation, every dilemma and every challenge we face is an opportunity for our own growth and development.
I am currently reading it again (out of order) and am particularly fascinated with the chapter on The Blessing of Self Control. These are merely my notes on that chapter - one which I hope to explore more deeply. While I'm curious about the spiritual aspects of motherhood from the mother's point of view, this chapter provides insight into the spiritual essence between parent and child. Here we go - remember, these are the thoughts of the author, Wendy Mogel, with some of my own wording.
Teaching children discipline and self-control is one of the essential tasks of parenthood.
A child's greatest strength (and, perhaps, ours as well) is hidden within his or her worst quality (the yetzer hara or evil inclination).
Removing barriers to allow our children constructive expression of their yetzer hara is our job as a parent.
This is not done merely by proper discipline but also through acceptance of a child's temperament, their limitations and your ability to focus on his or her strengths.
It is important for a parent to know appropriate developmental age-related expectations for their child. Especially today - with so many children being pushed into our competitive, have it all, do many things society - parents lose track of what's really "right" for their children.
Louse Bates Ames has a series of books that outline developmentally appropriate steps for each age level - up to 12, I think. For example, did you know it is common for 7-year olds to enter a phase of morbidity and darkness? Their Rorshack Ink Blot test can look very similar to that of a suicidal adult.
Wendy Mogel is a clinical psychologist and has worked extensively with family issues. She talks about well-intentioned but misguided parents (probaby the ones I referred to above) and how they fall into several categories:
1. we are equal - parents who want to be rational and reasonable with their children
2. on the go - always moving and needing something to do - never relax at home and share quiet time with their children
3. anxious - spend so much time in fearlessness and warning their children about the world's dangers
4. competitive - parents may be frustrated by child's lack of ambition. appearantly, parents are competitive enough for everyone
5. suffering - with unspoken and harboring resentment between spouses, children may also be unhappy
6. me, me, me - children are seen as a personal achievement
Our children will help bring out our very worst parts. For example, a wimpy parent will get walked all over by her children. A moody parent may have to deal with a child who is even moodier.
The importance of the roles we model: if we expect our children to make healthy eating choices, to buckle down with homework right after school or go to sleep when they don't feel tired -then we need to do the same. Sometimes we don't feel like it, do we?
There is a child discussed in this chapter who is described as bossy. She is four years old and she takes charge of the whole family. Mogel helps the family learn to refocus their annoyances as positive traits - something psychotherapists call 'reframing'. Here are some examples:
- stubborn is persistence
- complaining child might be discerning
- shy child is cautious and modest
- picky, nervous or obssessive child is serious and detail-oriented
She then asks parents to assess whether or not their child has sufficient opportunity to express these natural tendencies in constructive ways. Don't set children up to fail by putting them in a situation you know won't work for them. Looking for patterns in the 'unacceptable behavior' will help you to set up situations where your child can succeed.
The bossy four year old was given tasks such as monitoring the family calendar, reminding her mom to turn on the dishwasher at night, to tell her dad to empty his pockets before putting clothes in the hamper and teaching her little sister a new game. She had "real" tasks, too, that involved straightening the magazines, sweeping the front porch and setting the table. But, her yetzer hara was allowed expression in an appropriate and fulfilling manner.
Here is the Jewish twist on discpline and guiding our children:
Avoid using the word always and never. Jewish law permits the performance of certain mitzvot to be imperfect. The obligation is still considered fulfilled.
Judaism places tremendous emphasis on the power of words. We can use words to enrich our children's lives or they can be misused.
When your efforts to set up successful environments, to know your child and his needs, and to focus on what's truly important need the help of more disciplinary measures... here are some guidelines and things to consider -
The proper rebuke offers the child a chance to learn about parental values and standards of behavior.
According to Rashi, an 11th century commentator, the most difficult part of delivering a rebuke is not shaming your child. Protecting others from shame is central to Jewish thinking. Shame causes such great pain that it is likened to murder (oh, great - don't start with any additional mother guilt from that statement - just read it and go on).
There are three types of sin in Judaism:
cheit or inadvertent sin, done by accident: the experience itself is the teacher. If your child forgets her lunch several days in a row, and it is not brought to her - she will learn her lesson. Your effort in the situation involves pushing aside the desire to 'fix it' for her by bringing her lunch to school.
avon committed out of the pull of desire - When rebuking during this type of 'sin', Maimonides offers some advice in the Mishna Torah. Administer the rebuke in private, speak gently and tenderly, and remember you are speaking for the wrongdoer's benefit not to humiliate. Finally, Maimonides says to put the rebuke in the context of your high regard for the person. "You probably didn't think this through" or "this does not become you"
Explain the consequence for the behavior. Evaluate your child's reaction. Resist the argument. Offer an opportunity to make ammends.
Teshuvah means "return" and is an opportunity to return to your best self after having strayed off course. In order to do Teshuvah, you must take action to "right the wrong".
pesha rebellious sin, done with the clear intention of demonstrating to G-d - or parent - that he is not our master
Judaism further says that punishment should only occur if children have been forewarned of what to expect if they misbehave. The Talmud also warns against threatening a child with future harsh punishment.
To find effective punishments, reframe entitlements as privileges. This is one of my favorite parts of the chapter. As parents we get so caught up and begin to take for granted all of the things our children have. They have become expectations and proper gratitude is rarely expressed.
Children are entitled to the basics - food, clothing,shelter and everything else is a privilege.
Change If/Then statements - if you clean up your room, then we'll go the park
to
When/Then statements - when you clean up your room, then we can go to the park
Explain what you need from your child. When you remember to put your clothes in the hamper for three days in a row without my reminder then you'll be able to watch TV in the evening.
Ask your child to repeat what it is you are asking of him or her.
Finally, Judaism teaches us that working on middot (good characteristic traits) is a lifelong process. Raising children help us build our own middot because changing their bad behaviors requires us to do the same with ours.
If we can view parenthood as part of this lifelong growing process of developing positive traits - then every confrontation, every dilemma and every challenge we face is an opportunity for our own growth and development.
June 16, 2008
You Cannot Postpone a Relationship with Your Spouse until the Laundry is Done
I'm too tired for you - I have seven loads of laundry to fold, three more to wash, a dishwasher to unload and a sink of dirty dishes to put away. I still have to make the bed from this morning so that we can go to bed tonight, in a bed that's made rather than one with rumpled covers. There are shoes all over the floor, and towels from tonight's bath that need to be hung up, and the dinner table is still covered with dirty dishes, unwanted food and sticky spills that need to be wiped up.
I've been up since five, trying to get my exercise in since that's the only half hour of the day when children are not permeating my life. I still haven't showered, I have emails to return and - oh - that business I've been trying to get going since 2003? Well, I'd like to do some work on it.
I have an article to write for publication which I'm not getting paid for and who knows how many people actually read it and enjoy it aside from my mom; I have a few friends I'd like to call who are going through hard times, and there are several light bulbs in the house that need replacing. Normally, I wouldn't care about the light bulbs, but one of them is the light bulb in the yellow bathroom and our oldest son is afraid to pee with half the light lit up which means he won't get out of bed and he'll end up wetting his bed or - even worse - he'll come into our room and spend the rest of the night kicking me in the back and punching you in the stomach as he thrashes about between us.
I spent my daylight hours dropping off, getting back in the car, dropping another off, getting back in the car, running errands, coming home and unloading the groceries, putting the groceries away as Ellie dumped cereal boxes onto the floor and made calls to foreign places with my cell phone, loading Ellie back in the car to pick up the boys, getting them back in the car to pick up the other boy, getting them back in the car to bring them home so Ellie could nap, listening to Ellie scream for an hour before she fell asleep because I missed the window of perfect nap time b/c we were in the car, finding something so the boys can entertain themselves for the next couple of hours so I can have a moment to clean the breakfast dishes, put away the laundry and make a few phone calls including wellness visits that are months late, canceling the camp that I impulsively signed the boys up for, and paying my iphone bill so I don't receive a late charge.
Instead, I spend the next two hours putting out fires between Isaac and Aaron and Aaron and Ilan, trying to contain them and their tornados to the playroom so I can close the doors and deny there is a mess to be cleaned later if I need to. Two hours go by rather quickly and soon we enter the 'afternoon hours before dinner' that tend to be the most difficult hours of the day. Isaac is exhausted and it's too late for a nap - not that he'd take one. I bounce between his whining, the boys screaming about Ellie taking the toys they are playing with, someone getting hurt during roughhouse play, Isaac peeing in his pants because he won't go to the potty at home without a huge fight, Ellie crying "pee pee" once every fifteen minutes, all children wandering in and out of the kitchen scrounging for food that will ruin their appetite at dinner causing them to be hungry the moment they lay their heads on their pillows, turning night time bed time rituals into a disastrous experience of whining, demanding food and postponing sleep. Which means I begin my night time cleaning later than usual and just pray to tumble into bed before 11, so i can wake up at 5 to begin my day again.
But, first, we have dinner and baths. And the complete mess of - isaac is ready for bed before ellie but there's no way to get him there before putting her down and by the time she goes down, he wants to wait for aaron and ilan and even if i get isaac into his bed prior to 8pm, he wants me to lay with him, to get him three cups of water and comes out of bed several times to check on the rest of the family. When he finally goes down, Aaron and Ilan follow suit soon after, and Ilan comes out within five minutes to go to the bathroom and get a drink of water which leads to peeing in his bed when we forget to wake him to pee before we go to bed, and sometimes even when we do.... which means he'll be sleeping in our room while I air out the mattress, douse it with vinegar and spend 45 minutes online looking for the ultimate cleaning solution for pee on a bed mattress.
So, now we're back to the loads of laundry, the dishes to unload and the clothes on the floor. There's the bathtub to rinse out and the shoes to line up and lunches to prepare for tomorrow. I decide that wiping down the kitchen table is not worth the time since we'll be up in six hours using it again and creating more mess. I peek in on my forum and others at BellaOnline and get caught up in conversations I find useless and meaningless - though I do have my two cents to add. It's 10pm.
And I need to wind down so that I can unwind.
I know it's not fair to postpone our relationship in order to get the laundry done, but I'm too tired to do much else and - at least I'm getting something done while watching CSI. I know I should let the laundry lie and the dishes remain dirty, that I shouldn't watch the minute hand of the clock go 'round and count the hours of potential sleep that are remaining, but I can't help it.
You know what they say about living in the present moment? Well, how do you leave the present moment to make a moment of the present?
May 14, 2008
Wednesday
On Yom Kippur, we Jews fast from sundown until sundown. The saying goes that by fasting, we are putting ourselves beyond the physical plain and connecting with our deepest spiritual self.
Anyone who has fasted all day knows that you do not automatically feel more spiritual just because you haven't had breakfast, lunch, dinner or snacks. In fact, quite often, we spend much of the day listening to the rumblings in our stomach, thinking about what will happen if we faint in the middle of services and counting the hours until we can eat bagels, lox, kugel and other decadent jewish food.
The same could go for parenthood, I suppose. Those challenging moments? One could look at them as though they were spiritual tests. Remember the greater good. Who is this life for? What is the deeper meaning? What is most important in life? How can you demonstrate patience, love and compassion during those most difficult moments.
Instead of connecting with the Divine, we often lose our impatience. Slam doors and regret how we raised our voice at our children. We rethink how we SHOULD have responded and berate ourselves for not doing better. We pay attention to the stomach grumblings instead of the light headedness.
Like today, for example. Isaac (almost 3) has not been sleeping well. He's been going to bed at 8 with his older brothers and waking up at 5. Sometimes he'll go back to sleep in our bed for another hour. Frequently, he'll fall asleep in the car and get an afternoon nap. Today, I worked hard to keep him up, planning to put him to bed at an early hour and hoping that he'd get a good night's sleep.
Ellie (20 months) also was robbed of her nap today and I thought she'd turn in early (earlier than usual - she typically goes down by 6:30/7:00). Aaron (a very important 5 3/4) went to play at a friend's house after school. The plan was that I'd take the rest out to ice cream and to the bookstore so Ilan (7) could use a gift card he had.
The chaos at Baskin Robbins should have been a clue - a spiritual clue?
No, actually... the morning excursion to Target was the first clue. I can't recall all the details. It's that dissociative state that allows us mothers to come home from events such as the one this morning and say "now, what was so bad about that?". Well, what I do know is that I started with two children sitting in the shopping cart and I ended up with one child in my arms and one hanging on to the side as I pushed/dragged him along. I had to hang up all the yo yo balls and doodle boards that they took off the hooks while I was putting everything on the belt to pay. And, at one point, Ellie hit her face on the cart while she was playing. She's tough.. but when she decides she's upset, she let's it ALL out. She wailed for most of our journey through Target. And, then Isaac started crying about getting out until I finally let him. Then I spent the next 13 minutes chasing them - telling him not to use the emergency phone, putting back Ellie's selection of a scented candle relaxation set, trying to look for the dishwasher detergent I needed while watching both of them squeal in delight that we were in the mop section. "No, those aren't our mops. Let's go home and clean, ok?" The woman behind me in line smiled. "I remember those days." Oh, yeah. I bet she does. She wouldn't be smiling if she really, truly remembered them.
Back to B & R. They ate ice cream. Ellie would take the spoon of ice cream and slurp it like drinking a milk shake through a straw. She picked the M&M's out of her ice cream and wouldn't eat them mixed together unless I hid it deep within the ice cream. Isaac stood up in the middle of ice cream eating because he had to push his poops out. Everyone in the store knew he had to go because he announced it loudly. He went. He stood up to finish his ice cream but he was bouncing off walls even before he started eating it. He fell a couple of times, whined about not being able to reach his ice cream while he was standing at the table, and finally crawled under my legs to escape from the barrier I had created to keep him in one place. Ilan finished his own double scoop and then ate the rest of Isaac's as well. He tried for Ellie's but I wanted the M&M's frozen in the ice cream. Yum. Spirituality at its finest.
We went to the bookstore and I picked out the birthday presents we needed very quickly. I encouraged Ilan to do the same with his selections but, first, he wanted to flip through a Star Wars sticker book. (good listening) Ellie found an Elmo book ("La La") that she held on to - until the very end when I went to pay for it and there was a romance novel in her hand with Elmo nowhere to be found. Isaac started screaming that his penis hurt. He still had the poopy diaper. Ilan found some books. We left. Another group of people staring at me and probably wondering why mothers ever attempt to go out in public with children.
I didn't have wipes in the car. I knew that. Isaac wanted his diaper changed. I figured a dirty diaper would keep him awake. I wiped him with an extra diaper best I could and put on a clean one until we got home. I mean, until we picked up Aaron and went home. Isaac was crying. He wanted to go home.
I parked the car in the driveway and went to get Aaron. He wanted to stay longer. I wouldn't be able to get him, I said. Ellie and Isaac were bound for sleep soon. He had to find his shoes. He had to pet the dog one last time. He finally got in the car.
Ellie started crying for milk. We're on our way home, I told her. What were we going to have for dinner, I wondered. Something fast and easy.. they ended up eating waffles. But, Ilan wanted scrambled eggs. Then he saw the waffles. They ate a whole box. I spent dinner going back to the toaster to put in two more waffles. Ellie just eats the butter off it and then asks for more. Isaac likes butter - not melted - on his. Aaron just likes syrup, no butter. And, Ilan likes butter, no syrup... but he didn't like waffles until tonight.
Bath and bed. They're so tired. Baths are a whole other story, but this is already going to take 45 minutes to read, and I'm still not sure where the personal growth is going to fit in.
I put Ellie down. She cried - for the first time - EVER! Ok, well, almost ever. She rarely cries when she goes to bed. I had to go back in (just to make sure her foot wasn't caught between the crib rails like it was the other night). I rocked her. I put her down. She cried. I rocked her. I put her down. I let her cry. I went to put Isaac down. He didn't want to go to sleep. I lay down in his bed with him - the bed squashed between the other two beds in the room where ALL the boys sleep. I told him two more minutes. He wanted more water. I said I'd be right back. I went back to Ellie. I rocked her to sleep. This time it worked. Or maybe the next time - I've lost count.
I read to Aaron and Ilan. They would not settle down. I ended reading time. "Get to bed NOW". They ran to bed. Isaac was still up. I gave him his water. I tucked them all in. I said good night. I wanted to exercise. I had three loads of laundry to fold. I needed to veg out. There was loud laughter from the other side of the house. It was Isaac jumping on Ilan's bed. "It's bed time. That means no laughing, no talking, just laying." After repeating this scenario three times, I took Isaac into my room and put him on the bed. But, I wanted to be in my room. Aargh! I went to finish the dishes.
I brought Isaac back to his bed. Aaron was asleep. Sweet Aaron. Until 6am when he wakes up - no matter what. Ilan couldn't sleep. Never can. He always feels "funny" around 9:00pm. I said that was ok - the best thing to do was lie in bed - same as every other night. Isaac was finally asleep. Sweet Isaac. Until 5:00am when he always wakes up and comes in our bed - if he's not already there - to sleep one more hour. And, there goes Ilan. Just in time to wake him up to pee so he doesn't wet his bed.
Oh, look. David is home. The house is so nice and quiet, he said. "SSSSSHHHHH!" I cried.
I got into bed and prayed to G-d. "Please don't let this ever happen again."
And, G-d answered with.... Thursday.
Anyone who has fasted all day knows that you do not automatically feel more spiritual just because you haven't had breakfast, lunch, dinner or snacks. In fact, quite often, we spend much of the day listening to the rumblings in our stomach, thinking about what will happen if we faint in the middle of services and counting the hours until we can eat bagels, lox, kugel and other decadent jewish food.
The same could go for parenthood, I suppose. Those challenging moments? One could look at them as though they were spiritual tests. Remember the greater good. Who is this life for? What is the deeper meaning? What is most important in life? How can you demonstrate patience, love and compassion during those most difficult moments.
Instead of connecting with the Divine, we often lose our impatience. Slam doors and regret how we raised our voice at our children. We rethink how we SHOULD have responded and berate ourselves for not doing better. We pay attention to the stomach grumblings instead of the light headedness.
Like today, for example. Isaac (almost 3) has not been sleeping well. He's been going to bed at 8 with his older brothers and waking up at 5. Sometimes he'll go back to sleep in our bed for another hour. Frequently, he'll fall asleep in the car and get an afternoon nap. Today, I worked hard to keep him up, planning to put him to bed at an early hour and hoping that he'd get a good night's sleep.
Ellie (20 months) also was robbed of her nap today and I thought she'd turn in early (earlier than usual - she typically goes down by 6:30/7:00). Aaron (a very important 5 3/4) went to play at a friend's house after school. The plan was that I'd take the rest out to ice cream and to the bookstore so Ilan (7) could use a gift card he had.
The chaos at Baskin Robbins should have been a clue - a spiritual clue?
No, actually... the morning excursion to Target was the first clue. I can't recall all the details. It's that dissociative state that allows us mothers to come home from events such as the one this morning and say "now, what was so bad about that?". Well, what I do know is that I started with two children sitting in the shopping cart and I ended up with one child in my arms and one hanging on to the side as I pushed/dragged him along. I had to hang up all the yo yo balls and doodle boards that they took off the hooks while I was putting everything on the belt to pay. And, at one point, Ellie hit her face on the cart while she was playing. She's tough.. but when she decides she's upset, she let's it ALL out. She wailed for most of our journey through Target. And, then Isaac started crying about getting out until I finally let him. Then I spent the next 13 minutes chasing them - telling him not to use the emergency phone, putting back Ellie's selection of a scented candle relaxation set, trying to look for the dishwasher detergent I needed while watching both of them squeal in delight that we were in the mop section. "No, those aren't our mops. Let's go home and clean, ok?" The woman behind me in line smiled. "I remember those days." Oh, yeah. I bet she does. She wouldn't be smiling if she really, truly remembered them.
Back to B & R. They ate ice cream. Ellie would take the spoon of ice cream and slurp it like drinking a milk shake through a straw. She picked the M&M's out of her ice cream and wouldn't eat them mixed together unless I hid it deep within the ice cream. Isaac stood up in the middle of ice cream eating because he had to push his poops out. Everyone in the store knew he had to go because he announced it loudly. He went. He stood up to finish his ice cream but he was bouncing off walls even before he started eating it. He fell a couple of times, whined about not being able to reach his ice cream while he was standing at the table, and finally crawled under my legs to escape from the barrier I had created to keep him in one place. Ilan finished his own double scoop and then ate the rest of Isaac's as well. He tried for Ellie's but I wanted the M&M's frozen in the ice cream. Yum. Spirituality at its finest.
We went to the bookstore and I picked out the birthday presents we needed very quickly. I encouraged Ilan to do the same with his selections but, first, he wanted to flip through a Star Wars sticker book. (good listening) Ellie found an Elmo book ("La La") that she held on to - until the very end when I went to pay for it and there was a romance novel in her hand with Elmo nowhere to be found. Isaac started screaming that his penis hurt. He still had the poopy diaper. Ilan found some books. We left. Another group of people staring at me and probably wondering why mothers ever attempt to go out in public with children.
I didn't have wipes in the car. I knew that. Isaac wanted his diaper changed. I figured a dirty diaper would keep him awake. I wiped him with an extra diaper best I could and put on a clean one until we got home. I mean, until we picked up Aaron and went home. Isaac was crying. He wanted to go home.
I parked the car in the driveway and went to get Aaron. He wanted to stay longer. I wouldn't be able to get him, I said. Ellie and Isaac were bound for sleep soon. He had to find his shoes. He had to pet the dog one last time. He finally got in the car.
Ellie started crying for milk. We're on our way home, I told her. What were we going to have for dinner, I wondered. Something fast and easy.. they ended up eating waffles. But, Ilan wanted scrambled eggs. Then he saw the waffles. They ate a whole box. I spent dinner going back to the toaster to put in two more waffles. Ellie just eats the butter off it and then asks for more. Isaac likes butter - not melted - on his. Aaron just likes syrup, no butter. And, Ilan likes butter, no syrup... but he didn't like waffles until tonight.
Bath and bed. They're so tired. Baths are a whole other story, but this is already going to take 45 minutes to read, and I'm still not sure where the personal growth is going to fit in.
I put Ellie down. She cried - for the first time - EVER! Ok, well, almost ever. She rarely cries when she goes to bed. I had to go back in (just to make sure her foot wasn't caught between the crib rails like it was the other night). I rocked her. I put her down. She cried. I rocked her. I put her down. I let her cry. I went to put Isaac down. He didn't want to go to sleep. I lay down in his bed with him - the bed squashed between the other two beds in the room where ALL the boys sleep. I told him two more minutes. He wanted more water. I said I'd be right back. I went back to Ellie. I rocked her to sleep. This time it worked. Or maybe the next time - I've lost count.
I read to Aaron and Ilan. They would not settle down. I ended reading time. "Get to bed NOW". They ran to bed. Isaac was still up. I gave him his water. I tucked them all in. I said good night. I wanted to exercise. I had three loads of laundry to fold. I needed to veg out. There was loud laughter from the other side of the house. It was Isaac jumping on Ilan's bed. "It's bed time. That means no laughing, no talking, just laying." After repeating this scenario three times, I took Isaac into my room and put him on the bed. But, I wanted to be in my room. Aargh! I went to finish the dishes.
I brought Isaac back to his bed. Aaron was asleep. Sweet Aaron. Until 6am when he wakes up - no matter what. Ilan couldn't sleep. Never can. He always feels "funny" around 9:00pm. I said that was ok - the best thing to do was lie in bed - same as every other night. Isaac was finally asleep. Sweet Isaac. Until 5:00am when he always wakes up and comes in our bed - if he's not already there - to sleep one more hour. And, there goes Ilan. Just in time to wake him up to pee so he doesn't wet his bed.
Oh, look. David is home. The house is so nice and quiet, he said. "SSSSSHHHHH!" I cried.
I got into bed and prayed to G-d. "Please don't let this ever happen again."
And, G-d answered with.... Thursday.
May 8, 2008
Five Things You Should Know About Sanctity in Motherhood
*Please Note: I said SANCTITY, not SANITY. The latter, I am still trying to figure out.
1. my inner piece will lead to your inner peace
By now, every mother has heard the adage about putting on her own oxygen mask before putting on her child's when in an airplane experiencing difficulties.
We're TOLD to do this. We're told we NEED to do this. But, it's still not an easy path. We still don’t feel encouraged to actually follow through with the process. And what does the process entail in the first place? I have to figure out who my inner piece or self IS. And, that can be a long process – especially when you’re trying to find time in the midst of diaper changing and laundry and cooking and cleaning and chasing and – you get the point. No one has outlined this process for mothers. Because they can’t. One woman’s process is another woman’s nightmare. Each individual must commit the time and energy to figure out what it is that permits her to make a connection with a Divine force in the universe. My business partner, for example, feels a connection when she goes to synagogue. I do not. I feel a deeper connection when I am hiking out in nature or participating in a retreat where I am inspired to be a better person.
Regardless… if you want to find the inner piece and, thus, the inner peace… you will have to:
a) define your path to get there
b) start carving out time to walk on the path
c) manage the incessant guilt that will be alongside the path
d) maintain whatever it is you discovered that defines you and allows you to feel connected to something outside of motherhood
2. it's a slower paced journey in a faster paced world
Lately, I have been observing many of my friends (most of whom are younger than me and who have fewer children than me) climbing to a new plateau of life. They are more relaxed (though still just as busy), are going back to work or creating their own businesses and have time to devote to themselves. They don’t have to worry about scheduling doctor’s appointments around naptime or finding babysitters so they can attend another child’s performance in the school play. They don’t have to maneuver their time so they can ensure that everything gets done.
When people say to me “I don’t know how you do it.” I reply with “I don’t know how you do it.” I may have a couple more balls in my pinball machine, but we’re all bouncing, right?
Any mother with children (do you know any without?) “slows down a bit” after she has children. It’s quite the contradiction, isn’t it? Because in reality, she has never moved so fast or accomplished so much in so little time ever before in her life.
What’s slowing down is the ego-laden life we are accustomed to living. All our time and energy could be devoted to ourselves. Even volunteering at the soup kitchen makes US (our ego) feel good. Then comes this being and your life is devoted to another not just because you chose to marry him (which, statistics say, only 50% will remain committed in the end).
Your own life journey (another paradox) slows down – at least on the surface – when actually you are gathering all this raw data for change and growth and learning and transformation. You just don't realize how much personal growth and divine inspiration you are acquiring when you are in the midst of mothering.
I watch some of my friends and wonder if they feel guilty taking tennis lessons and going to cooking classes, working out and having lunch with friends while their children labor at school and their partners labor at work. But, when I stop looking at the bigger picture and look at it from a microscopic lens, I see it completely differently.
After a long, hard day... I'm so overwhelmed, exhausted and tired of being touched that I need to sit and do nothing. That does not mean going to sleep - before I can even go to sleep, I have to wind down before I can unwind. So, when these women are taking classes and getting their nails done and enjoying a little time... really, they're winding down from the years of servitude and complete dependence from their little ones.
Oh, I can't wait to embrace the next level of parenthood and the spiritual growth that comes with it.
3. the ‘panes’ of labor provide an unknowing glimpse into your future
If only we knew. People tell you beforehand about the lack of sleep and to enjoy your free time. But, we are really incapable of grasping the true meaning behind their words.
After all, we all had our late-night days where we got such little sleep. But, we survived, and we caught up on sleep during the weekend. What do you mean we won’t be able to do that anymore?
Each labor is different. It is an unknown – even if you went so far as to plan it out and think about what you wanted your labor/delivery to look like. You just never know. And, that’s pretty much the truest outlook of your future too. You just never know.
There is a lot of pain – as you watch your children struggle through physical ailments and growing up pains. There is pain as you make mistakes that impact your children or react with actions you instantly regret.
Through the pain, however, comes the birth. And what gloriousness is that? The amazing connection with something bigger than yourself… how could that possibly have grown and thrived inside of me? And, how the heck did it get out? Did I really do that? I can’t stand to be shocked when someone rubs their feet on the carpet and touches me. Yet, I made it through four child births - one without drugs. I must have grown from those experiences (and I don't mind the extra 15 pounds I can't seem to get rid of or the wider-than-usual hips that now don my body).
The pain of child birth leads us in ways we could never have imagined.
Transformation. Perspective. Attitude. Connection.
4. Either you can brood or you can drink pina coladas
Spirituality has a lot to do with attitude. With the proper perspective and the right dose of alcohol, any mother can manage what life has to dole out. Imagine how much different folding laundry would be with a cute little umbrella drink in one hand. You don’t even have to drink it – just hold it.
My friend, Robin, and I used to smoke pretzel sticks when we were younger. We didn’t even light them, we just dragged on them. I tried that the other day when I was listening to my boys fighting over who got to use Daddy’s new set of socket wrenches. I just pulled out my little box of pretzel sticks, broke one in half to use as a match and lit one up. I sat at the kitchen table with my slippers and a diet root beer and watched calmly as the three boys ripped apart the pipes under my kitchen sink.
Remaining calm in the middle of life's chaotic moments is CERTAINLY a skill only the spiritually connected can manage. We mothers may have to find creative avenues to achieve that sense of calm, but we are certainly capable of doing it!
5. there IS spirituality in motherhood
If you’ve never thought about it before, then think about this… how often do you pray to G-d that your husband will arrive home on time at night? How frequently do you find yourself praying that you can get in and out of the grocery store without anyone hitting each other? Without anyone throwing a tantrum? Or without forgetting something on your grocery list and having to go back? Have you said “Please, G-d, let my screaming baby fall asleep without
me having to go in there 50 times.”? How about praying to G-d that the doctor comes in to the examining room QUICKLY?
There are also those moments of praying to your child and – in essence – attempting to appeal to the divine spark within them: “PLEASE, pretty PLEASE hurry up going to the bathroom. Isaac and Ellie are playing in the garbage cans.” “PLEASE quiet down so I can finish this phone conversation with the school administrator, telling him why you belong in kindergarten next
year.” “PLEASE listen to me the first time I tell you something. We can add three hours to our day if I didn’t have to repeat myself so much.” “PLEASE eighteen-month old daughter. Stop making your three year old and five year old brothers cry. PLEASE stop “high-ya”ing them.”
Praying is an act of spirituality.
So, while sanity may be missing from the lives of many mothers, I think we can all declare that we are deeply spiritual beings!
1. my inner piece will lead to your inner peace
By now, every mother has heard the adage about putting on her own oxygen mask before putting on her child's when in an airplane experiencing difficulties.
We're TOLD to do this. We're told we NEED to do this. But, it's still not an easy path. We still don’t feel encouraged to actually follow through with the process. And what does the process entail in the first place? I have to figure out who my inner piece or self IS. And, that can be a long process – especially when you’re trying to find time in the midst of diaper changing and laundry and cooking and cleaning and chasing and – you get the point. No one has outlined this process for mothers. Because they can’t. One woman’s process is another woman’s nightmare. Each individual must commit the time and energy to figure out what it is that permits her to make a connection with a Divine force in the universe. My business partner, for example, feels a connection when she goes to synagogue. I do not. I feel a deeper connection when I am hiking out in nature or participating in a retreat where I am inspired to be a better person.
Regardless… if you want to find the inner piece and, thus, the inner peace… you will have to:
a) define your path to get there
b) start carving out time to walk on the path
c) manage the incessant guilt that will be alongside the path
d) maintain whatever it is you discovered that defines you and allows you to feel connected to something outside of motherhood
2. it's a slower paced journey in a faster paced world
Lately, I have been observing many of my friends (most of whom are younger than me and who have fewer children than me) climbing to a new plateau of life. They are more relaxed (though still just as busy), are going back to work or creating their own businesses and have time to devote to themselves. They don’t have to worry about scheduling doctor’s appointments around naptime or finding babysitters so they can attend another child’s performance in the school play. They don’t have to maneuver their time so they can ensure that everything gets done.
When people say to me “I don’t know how you do it.” I reply with “I don’t know how you do it.” I may have a couple more balls in my pinball machine, but we’re all bouncing, right?
Any mother with children (do you know any without?) “slows down a bit” after she has children. It’s quite the contradiction, isn’t it? Because in reality, she has never moved so fast or accomplished so much in so little time ever before in her life.
What’s slowing down is the ego-laden life we are accustomed to living. All our time and energy could be devoted to ourselves. Even volunteering at the soup kitchen makes US (our ego) feel good. Then comes this being and your life is devoted to another not just because you chose to marry him (which, statistics say, only 50% will remain committed in the end).
Your own life journey (another paradox) slows down – at least on the surface – when actually you are gathering all this raw data for change and growth and learning and transformation. You just don't realize how much personal growth and divine inspiration you are acquiring when you are in the midst of mothering.
I watch some of my friends and wonder if they feel guilty taking tennis lessons and going to cooking classes, working out and having lunch with friends while their children labor at school and their partners labor at work. But, when I stop looking at the bigger picture and look at it from a microscopic lens, I see it completely differently.
After a long, hard day... I'm so overwhelmed, exhausted and tired of being touched that I need to sit and do nothing. That does not mean going to sleep - before I can even go to sleep, I have to wind down before I can unwind. So, when these women are taking classes and getting their nails done and enjoying a little time... really, they're winding down from the years of servitude and complete dependence from their little ones.
Oh, I can't wait to embrace the next level of parenthood and the spiritual growth that comes with it.
3. the ‘panes’ of labor provide an unknowing glimpse into your future
If only we knew. People tell you beforehand about the lack of sleep and to enjoy your free time. But, we are really incapable of grasping the true meaning behind their words.
After all, we all had our late-night days where we got such little sleep. But, we survived, and we caught up on sleep during the weekend. What do you mean we won’t be able to do that anymore?
Each labor is different. It is an unknown – even if you went so far as to plan it out and think about what you wanted your labor/delivery to look like. You just never know. And, that’s pretty much the truest outlook of your future too. You just never know.
There is a lot of pain – as you watch your children struggle through physical ailments and growing up pains. There is pain as you make mistakes that impact your children or react with actions you instantly regret.
Through the pain, however, comes the birth. And what gloriousness is that? The amazing connection with something bigger than yourself… how could that possibly have grown and thrived inside of me? And, how the heck did it get out? Did I really do that? I can’t stand to be shocked when someone rubs their feet on the carpet and touches me. Yet, I made it through four child births - one without drugs. I must have grown from those experiences (and I don't mind the extra 15 pounds I can't seem to get rid of or the wider-than-usual hips that now don my body).
The pain of child birth leads us in ways we could never have imagined.
Transformation. Perspective. Attitude. Connection.
4. Either you can brood or you can drink pina coladas
Spirituality has a lot to do with attitude. With the proper perspective and the right dose of alcohol, any mother can manage what life has to dole out. Imagine how much different folding laundry would be with a cute little umbrella drink in one hand. You don’t even have to drink it – just hold it.
My friend, Robin, and I used to smoke pretzel sticks when we were younger. We didn’t even light them, we just dragged on them. I tried that the other day when I was listening to my boys fighting over who got to use Daddy’s new set of socket wrenches. I just pulled out my little box of pretzel sticks, broke one in half to use as a match and lit one up. I sat at the kitchen table with my slippers and a diet root beer and watched calmly as the three boys ripped apart the pipes under my kitchen sink.
Remaining calm in the middle of life's chaotic moments is CERTAINLY a skill only the spiritually connected can manage. We mothers may have to find creative avenues to achieve that sense of calm, but we are certainly capable of doing it!
5. there IS spirituality in motherhood
If you’ve never thought about it before, then think about this… how often do you pray to G-d that your husband will arrive home on time at night? How frequently do you find yourself praying that you can get in and out of the grocery store without anyone hitting each other? Without anyone throwing a tantrum? Or without forgetting something on your grocery list and having to go back? Have you said “Please, G-d, let my screaming baby fall asleep without
me having to go in there 50 times.”? How about praying to G-d that the doctor comes in to the examining room QUICKLY?
There are also those moments of praying to your child and – in essence – attempting to appeal to the divine spark within them: “PLEASE, pretty PLEASE hurry up going to the bathroom. Isaac and Ellie are playing in the garbage cans.” “PLEASE quiet down so I can finish this phone conversation with the school administrator, telling him why you belong in kindergarten next
year.” “PLEASE listen to me the first time I tell you something. We can add three hours to our day if I didn’t have to repeat myself so much.” “PLEASE eighteen-month old daughter. Stop making your three year old and five year old brothers cry. PLEASE stop “high-ya”ing them.”
Praying is an act of spirituality.
So, while sanity may be missing from the lives of many mothers, I think we can all declare that we are deeply spiritual beings!
May 7, 2008
The Divnity Within Motherhood
And, I thought my spirituality was a separate entity from my expression of Judaism... I just wasn't feeling spiritually inspired from my separate dishes or preparing for Pesach or paying the tuition of a Jewish day school.
But, today, I went to a class led by the Rabbi of my shul. We are in the midst of the Counting of the Omer - the time beginning on the second day of Passover and lasting until Shavuot. Passover marks the time of our physical liberation, our exodus from Egypt, and Shavuot is the day we received the Torah from G-d.
The Omer, which we are in the midst of, is a time of "mourning" for the Jews. This marks the time Rabbi Akiva lost 24,000 of his students - in one month. Every time there is a "community mourning" in Judaism - such as this current time and that which occurs to commemorate the destruction of the Bait Hamikdash (Temple) - our lesson is one of interpersonal relationships.
It is a time to set aside our "ego" and connect with our "soul". "You cannot have a relationship with G-d," Rabbi Shoshan said, "unless you have relationships with people."
What's funny is that I began my conversations about spirituality with a friend last night and continued in another conversation with my business partner today, right before the class.
In a conversation stemming from the exploration of self-judgment and how that plays a role in our lives, we determined that the first step into spirituality (within motherhood, of course) is to be in a "judgment free zone".
Now, you have to understand what this means - because without judgment, we would have no movement, no personal development, no growth - and that's not exactly the kind of life most of us want.
Just by the nature of being human, we judge. You have to judge things in order to be able to determine if something is right for you or not. When you make a decision about what is right for you, you are making a judgment that the other choices are "wrong".
We also cannot avoid passing judgment about our own actions and - we, mothers - tend to be very critical of ourselves. It is difficult to survive unjudged in this world of "fast paced we can and will do it all". We can - no doubt about it. But, that doesn't come without consequences.
Essentially, what needs to take place is an observation - or awareness - as my business partner was told by her Life Coach. We need to observe our judgments and let them go. We need to monitor our judgments and attempt to phrase them in the positive and not the negative. And, as I recently read somewhere, we need to give ourselves credit each day for all that we've done rather than beat ourselves up for all that we did wrong.
Setting aside our ego is part of that first step into spirituality. And, for mothers, that is something that occurs naturally the second you became a mother. The ego-driven life we are accustomed to living is altered. We now have this being who depends on us for everything, and we are required to set aside our own "needs" to respond to the needs of the baby. A mother relinquishes some of her ego-driven behavior almost by default and, at the same time, may feel resentment (subconsciously or consciously) in regards to this change.
This is where the struggle within motherhood begins to take place. Our identities are completely transformed. We are entering this world of deep giving, bigger purpose and less control... is that spirituality? We begin to redefine ourselves. And, if we do it right - meaning, we go beyond the ego-self and it's needs - we may be able to embrace the divinity that exists in motherhood.
If what my Rabbi said is true and it's all about interpersonal relationships - there is no better learning platform than the relationship of mother and child.
We're on our way.
But, today, I went to a class led by the Rabbi of my shul. We are in the midst of the Counting of the Omer - the time beginning on the second day of Passover and lasting until Shavuot. Passover marks the time of our physical liberation, our exodus from Egypt, and Shavuot is the day we received the Torah from G-d.
The Omer, which we are in the midst of, is a time of "mourning" for the Jews. This marks the time Rabbi Akiva lost 24,000 of his students - in one month. Every time there is a "community mourning" in Judaism - such as this current time and that which occurs to commemorate the destruction of the Bait Hamikdash (Temple) - our lesson is one of interpersonal relationships.
It is a time to set aside our "ego" and connect with our "soul". "You cannot have a relationship with G-d," Rabbi Shoshan said, "unless you have relationships with people."
What's funny is that I began my conversations about spirituality with a friend last night and continued in another conversation with my business partner today, right before the class.
In a conversation stemming from the exploration of self-judgment and how that plays a role in our lives, we determined that the first step into spirituality (within motherhood, of course) is to be in a "judgment free zone".
Now, you have to understand what this means - because without judgment, we would have no movement, no personal development, no growth - and that's not exactly the kind of life most of us want.
Just by the nature of being human, we judge. You have to judge things in order to be able to determine if something is right for you or not. When you make a decision about what is right for you, you are making a judgment that the other choices are "wrong".
We also cannot avoid passing judgment about our own actions and - we, mothers - tend to be very critical of ourselves. It is difficult to survive unjudged in this world of "fast paced we can and will do it all". We can - no doubt about it. But, that doesn't come without consequences.
Essentially, what needs to take place is an observation - or awareness - as my business partner was told by her Life Coach. We need to observe our judgments and let them go. We need to monitor our judgments and attempt to phrase them in the positive and not the negative. And, as I recently read somewhere, we need to give ourselves credit each day for all that we've done rather than beat ourselves up for all that we did wrong.
Setting aside our ego is part of that first step into spirituality. And, for mothers, that is something that occurs naturally the second you became a mother. The ego-driven life we are accustomed to living is altered. We now have this being who depends on us for everything, and we are required to set aside our own "needs" to respond to the needs of the baby. A mother relinquishes some of her ego-driven behavior almost by default and, at the same time, may feel resentment (subconsciously or consciously) in regards to this change.
This is where the struggle within motherhood begins to take place. Our identities are completely transformed. We are entering this world of deep giving, bigger purpose and less control... is that spirituality? We begin to redefine ourselves. And, if we do it right - meaning, we go beyond the ego-self and it's needs - we may be able to embrace the divinity that exists in motherhood.
If what my Rabbi said is true and it's all about interpersonal relationships - there is no better learning platform than the relationship of mother and child.
We're on our way.
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