We Need Another Mommy in the House

I've been sick for three weeks. It started with losing my voice and went on to fever, repiratory problems and hives. Hives are the most recent edition and they are unlike any hives I have ever experienced before. They are huge, red welts all over my legs and other extremities including my ear lobes, elbows and rear end. They hurt like bruises and prevent me from sitting on my knees and playing on the floor with my children. They hurt in my joints even where I cannot see them - making it difficult to lift the baby in her car seat.
I went to the allergist yesterday. My appointment was at 2:00, and I have to pick up my son, Aaron, at 3:00. I called the school and spoke to Lois at the front desk. No problem, she said, if I was late, Aaron could go into after care and I would just pay the difference. But Lois didn't tell Aaron's teacher. And, at 3:30, as I was getting blood drawn, my cell phone rang. Miss Amy wanted to know if I was ok and where I was. I panicked. Aaron is the child who you need to forewarn when changes in life are going to happen. I told Miss Amy I was on my way.
When I ran into Aaron's classroom ready for tears and anger, I was - instead - ignored. Miss Amy stayed late and didn't even tell Aaron about aftercare. He had Miss Amy and all her toys all to himself, and he wasn't ready to leave when I arrived. Thank G-d for the Miss Amy's in the world.
I went to fill the ninety prescriptions the allergist gave me and double checked with the Pharmacist, as I always do, if they were safe to take while nursing. The Pharmacist said "no" on all of them. I went home without any relief.

Today, I went to my regular internist. I wanted to make sure these welts were not a virus or something other than allergic hives. When the doc walked in and saw me, he said "Oh my, isn't that interesting?" He looked at my chart, noted that my blood sugars were high from the tests I had when I was first sick three weeks ago and saw that I had had an allergic reaction to the Penicillian they prescribed two weeks ago. He didn't think the hives now could be from that first reaction. And, he wanted to do more blood tests to find out why my sugars were high.
Oh, and did I mention that on the way to this appointment, my son, Ilan's school called. He had been caught on the bottom of a pile up after lunch and hurt his neck. I had to go pick him up early. He wanted to come home. The wind was knocked out of him, the Assistant Principal said, but I should go to my doctor's appointment first and then come to school.
The doctor decided I needed a shot of Benedryl (in my rear end, between hives) as a first step. I have to go back tomorrow for the blood work since I had to leave to get Ilan and I was already feeling guilty for putting myself first. We called the Pediatrician who gave me permission to take some of the prescriptions the Allergist had given me. And, I had to come back on Monday to see the doc again.

I went to get Ilan. No one told me the shot area would sting and hurt (the nurse confirmed this as I was walking out) and that it would be difficult to walk. No one told me I would feel dizzy, tired and unable to do much though I should have known had I really thought about it. I picked up Ilan. He was fine - just shaken up from his experience, but he had fun in the Assistant Principal's office while he was waiting for me and enjoyed the attention from his classmates when we went to get his backpack. We went to Aaron's school to pick him up and then I passed out as my babysitter took over.

My husband who is away on business received an email from me detailing my experiences and asking him to, please keep me, but to get another wife. We need another Mommy in the house, I told him. He wrote back turning my woes into a rhyming Haiku and told me I should write a book. I told him to get me the other Mommy and I'd have time to do it.

One of the primary goals of my life coaching business is helping moms realize the need for self care. By taking care of themselves (exercising, eating right and – most importantly – taking TIME for themselves), they will be better parents for their children (not to mention role modeling an exceptional value). At ON THE VERGE OF… ME, we assist moms as they rediscover themselves throughout motherhood. We work to eliminate barriers that prevent moms from pursuing things for themselves. We examine the mundane tasks of motherhood and work to change their perspectives and attitudes toward them. We help them redefine or rediscover their values, their passions and who they want to be.

Several times in the last few weeks, people have said to me (doctors, friends, teachers at my son’s school) that I needed to “take a break”, “take care of my self”, or “take some time for ME”. Each time, my inside reaction was “Hey! That’s what my business is all about!” Was I not walking my talk?

Of course I was. I was reminded of a lecture I attended many years before given by Dan Millman, author of The Way of the Peaceful Warrior among several other books. As he stood before us talking about living your Truth and living life with the proper attitudes and actions, I questioned him. “Are you always ON?” I asked, “Even if you (try to) live as you are saying, don’t you ever fall or struggle?”

“Certainly”, was the answer. But, he had the tools to get through the mucky times. He knew how to pick himself up or put a plan in place to overcome what he needed to. He knew what his values were and, if he was living off course from his values, he could readjust his life.

I have been sick for two weeks. First it was minor and I could still function through it. Then I lost my voice – and I could still function – but I couldn’t speak. Then I had a fever, the aches and chills and was absolutely miserable for about two days. My washing machine broke during this time. My babysitter was also out sick and the person who cleans my home was away for a week.

I am days behind in my household management. One of my values is not having a chaotically messy home and staying on top of everything. There was no way I could do that in the last couple of days, and it's amazing how far behind you can get by letting one day go by. BUT, I have the tools to create a plan to catch up without too much angst (I can ask my sitter to stay a little longer). I know what I need to do in reasonable limits to get where I need to be (we can live in a semi-messy home for a few days). I know that I have to take time to rest and not jump back into life full force and I know that this will benefit my family and me more in the long run (I can schedule play dates for my two older children). I can be creative in my solutions (bring a friend coffee while I use her washing machine).

Walking your talk or living your Truth is simply knowing what you need to do to stay on track. We all sway from our paths. We all get overwhelmed. We all must develop the tools and create plans to keep us going in a straight line.

Bouncing From Child to Child & Moment to Moment

I finally figured out why I've been eating so much. I delivered our fourth child on October 8th of this year (that's not why). During the pregnancy, I had gestational diabetes (that's not why either... be patient). I used that time to redevelop better eating habits that I once maintained in my life. I figured it was a great jump start to continuing the path of healthy eating after I delivered. But the second I delivered, I was allowed to eat sugar again. I had to celebrate - both the delivery of our baby and the disappearance of the diabetes - with, what else? a cookie! Sugar just leads to more sugar for me.... and so it began. But that's not answering the question of why I've been eating so much.

I'm nursing. I'm burning more calories, I need to consume more calories (that's not why). I went for my six week appointment and actually weighed less than my pre-pregnancy weight (my pre-pregnancy weight included 10-15 extra pounds that I never lost from children numbers one, two and three). I got a little cocky with that weight and immediately began eating more - of everything. My stomach has popped (way) out again... but that's not WHY I've been eating so much.

My husband left town this week for two nights (nope! that's not why either). My babysitter has been sick all week. The person who helps keep my house clean and organized has been gone all week. I've been a little under the weather - my throat HURTS - and I'm taking antibiotics. The night before my husband left, I moaned to him about how difficult the next couple of days were going to be. He naively stated that he had no doubt I could handle it - easy as pie. I reminded him that he had been home for two hours before we ended up at the table sitting across from each other, eating and talking and that all we had done for the last two hours was bounce back and forth between one of four children. Literally. This one's whining too much and he's caught in a power struggle... SWITCH. This one needs to brush his teeth and I can't stand watching people brush their teeth... SWITCH! The baby needs her diaper changed and I need a break from being latched to her... SWITCH! The 18 month old needs his pajamas on.... You do that while I nurse the baby then I'll take him and put him to bed while you put '5years old' and '4years old' into their pajamas and start reading to them. Then, I'll take over and get them into bed since it takes you 45 minutes to do that. While I'm tucking them in, you get their water ready. I'll come out of their room, get their water and bring it back in. Then we can eat the dinner that's been sitting in the oven for the last two hours getting hot and crunchy. Which is exactly where we were at the beginning of this paragraph.

And, now - after one day of my husband gone... did he just leave this morning? I know why I have to eat so much.... the more I eat, the better I bounce.

There's No Good Answer

I have a friend who consistently looks to me for parenting advice. I’m a step ahead of her in the “closely spaced children” arena, and – other than that – I’m not sure why she comes to me for guidance.

There was a time I thought I’d be a fantastic Mommy, but that was before I had children of my own. When I worked in residential treatment with abused and abandoned children, I had patience and understanding like no other. When I worked at day camps, I was given the difficult children because I had a way with them. When I worked with pregnant teens, helped drug dependent teens make better choices or created a resiliency program to boost the self image of elementary aged children, I was confident and comfortable!

But, the moment my first child was born, so – too – was self doubt. Only then did I begin to wonder if what I was saying was really the truth, if what I was doing was really the best thing for a child, if what I believed was really the right belief to hold when raising my own child. Only when my first child was born, did I realize that I would never walk away – my job would never be over – I would never be moving on. This one, I’d have to see to the very end. I would witness the repercussions of my decisions. I would have so many more (important) decisions to make on behalf of my children than I ever had to make before.

There is one thing I do know with the utmost certainty. And, this is probably why my friend comes to me time and time again. I have an answer for everything. I’ve read a lot of books. I have a vast amount of experiences with children in all different environments. I’ve taken a lot of courses. I majored in Psychology, minored in Family Studies, earned a Master’s in Counseling and started another Master’s in Early Childhood Education. I specialized in Play Therapy, have a certificate in Life Coaching and started my own business assisting Moms as they redefine and recreate themselves.

As I said above, I have an answer for everything, and that is: THERE'S NO GOOD ANSWER. That’s not a cop-out. It’s just the gosh darn truth. There are no absolutes when it comes to raising children. There is no one answer for any question a Mommy may ask.

The best you can do is to do your homework, talk to your friends, question professionals you trust… but, most importantly, trust your Mommy’s Intuition!

A Place of My Own

Not too long ago, a friend of mine who recently had her first baby asked me how I was adjusting to my newly acquired third (boy). She marveled at how a mom could manage three when one was hard enough.

I told her two seemed easy when three came along and one seemed easy after two – but you have to take “easy” within context because the challenges and difficulties exist within each.

With one, you learn how to never sleep, how to hold a baby all day long and still get things done. You’re learning how to be a parent, adjusting to the responsibilities – not only of the caretaking but the responsibility to love, to worry, to teach and to provide for this separate piece of you. You’re learning about living a life that doesn’t fully belong to you anymore.

When two comes (and my first two were close together), you have to learn how to keep the first one quiet so you can rock the second one to sleep (or better yet, you have to develop peace of mind so you don’t lose it when you can’t keep number one quiet). You have to occupy the time of the older while feeding the younger and still provide adequate supervision for the older. You have to plan schedules around two nap times which means at least one child will always be napping at any given point in the day and you will be stuck in the house – ALL DAY!

With three, you just have to learn to exist with no rhythm and all chaos. You have to let go of all the controls you created to manage life with two. You truly have to go with the flow and just live in the present moment (and, I’d recommend a daily calendar to list all of your present moments – or you might miss one – as I often do).

One, two or three – nine or ten children – every parent has a most difficult and important task before them – to raise highly functioning children who will go out into the world and make good choices as they discover who they are and what they can contribute to society. And, in the midst of teaching, providing a good role model, encouraging and inspiring our children – their job is to push our buttons, challenge us beyond anything we’ve ever been challenged by, and make us question every move, every choice, every action, and every belief we’ve ever had.

Not too long after our email conversation, my friend emailed me again – what did I think four would be like, she wanted to know. I think four would put me in the insane asylum… but, lately, I’ve wanted a place of my own.

©2005 LisaPinkus

You Gotta Sit in the Backseat to Hear the Music & Feel the Air

I never realized how loud the music was or how gently the air blew in the back of the minivan until I had to sit there. I couldn’t hear a thing that was being said to me from up front, and the air conditioner – though blowing very loudly – was hardly blowing at all.

My children don’t always say “turn the music down” (ok, they never say turn it down – they constantly say to turn it up - and the oldest is only 4). And, it is only recently that they are able to say “I’m hot; make it colder.”

I realize that’s how the parent/child relationship exists in many arenas. Our children are often not able to verbalize (have you ever said “Use your words, Johnny”?) what they are thinking, feeling or needing. When the tantrums strike, it is our responsibility to listen, to decode and to respond appropriately.

Yelling is not a response that works. Ignoring doesn't actually fulfill their desperate need either. Getting frustrated only fuels their frustration. You are the parent. You are supposed to know these things. (“Mommies know everything”, my four year old often tells me… “but Daddies know more.”)

It is important – essential, perhaps – to speak to your children on their level. Get down on your knees and look them in the eyes. Hold them tightly when they are so deep in a tantrum, they cannot control themselves. Think about life from their perspective. Take a walk in their shoes. Set aside your own desire to rip your hair out, to yell loudly, or to tell them how stupid they are being… and respond to them while modeling patience, communication and understanding. And, if all else fails, drop to your knees and pray for it to pass quickly.

©2005 Lisa Pinkus