You Gotta Sit in the Backseat to Hear the Music & Feel the Air

I never realized how loud the music was or how gently the air blew in the back of the minivan until I had to sit there. I couldn’t hear a thing that was being said to me from up front, and the air conditioner – though blowing very loudly – was hardly blowing at all.

My children don’t always say “turn the music down” (ok, they never say turn it down – they constantly say to turn it up - and the oldest is only 4). And, it is only recently that they are able to say “I’m hot; make it colder.”

I realize that’s how the parent/child relationship exists in many arenas. Our children are often not able to verbalize (have you ever said “Use your words, Johnny”?) what they are thinking, feeling or needing. When the tantrums strike, it is our responsibility to listen, to decode and to respond appropriately.

Yelling is not a response that works. Ignoring doesn't actually fulfill their desperate need either. Getting frustrated only fuels their frustration. You are the parent. You are supposed to know these things. (“Mommies know everything”, my four year old often tells me… “but Daddies know more.”)

It is important – essential, perhaps – to speak to your children on their level. Get down on your knees and look them in the eyes. Hold them tightly when they are so deep in a tantrum, they cannot control themselves. Think about life from their perspective. Take a walk in their shoes. Set aside your own desire to rip your hair out, to yell loudly, or to tell them how stupid they are being… and respond to them while modeling patience, communication and understanding. And, if all else fails, drop to your knees and pray for it to pass quickly.

©2005 Lisa Pinkus