Home Alone

It's been 286 days. since I retreated from life. not intentionally. It's been a mommy time-out. Though if I had had the gumption to think about it, I would have taken A Year by the Sea as Joan Anderson did. She took a vacation from her family.

But, I didn't think about it. I didn't get to plan it. It just came to me. 

As I woke the morning of the first day of school and made my way to the bathroom, I crumbled - in pain. That was it. I couldn't move. That was the beginning of my year "off". 


I have one more week of lazy life. And, to honor that, my family has gone to Hawaii for a week - leaving me home alone. Got that? In my house. All alone. For a week.

why is this week any different than the weeks from the past 9 months? It's not really.
I don't have to do anything that is not a 'have to'.
Same as the last 9 months.
I'm not so mobile.
Same as the last 9 months.
I'm laying down most of the day.
Same as the last 9 months.

I've already been given a mommy time-out. And, now it's like the frosting on the cake. One more week of "doing nothing" except that - this week - my children are not in the home with me (nor is my husband, but I am more accustomed to that).

It's not quite as glorious as one might imagine.

I woke up on the first morning and didn't know what to do with mySelf - despite the list of "things I need to get done" that I had prepared the night before. I couldn't believe how long the day lasted. I achieved so much AND sat around on my a#! for much of the day.

An amazing reflection of how much time our children need from us each day (and I'm celebrating that fact, not complaining about).

I've realized a lot this week.

I have realized that the trauma of the first time I had time away from caring for my children still resides within me. When I received the call about a certain son who is not cooperating and pulling "one of his moods", his impossible moods, on the Hawaiian vacation that the rest of my family is on. And, I am here and they are there. I have no control and yet my heart aches and breaks. Am I better off not knowing? Can I act as an advisor? Can I really do anything to help? Does bringing me into the situation do anybody any good? Because if it does - I'm willing.

The first time - I went away with a friend. While in the airport, I get a phone call that this same child was… missing. They were looking for him. He didn't want to go to preschool. What was I going to do? What was my role in that situation? Could I do anyone any good at that moment? I hung up the phone and cried. The child was soon found in the depths under my bed.

This week, I have realized that it's quite strange to wake up and get ready in the morning without any interruptions. I am so accustomed to the children's needs cutting into my own that I don't know what to do with thirty straight minutes all dedicated to mySelf.

I have realized that at 2:30, my heart automatically begins to beat faster as I realize there is a half-hour left before I have to pick my children up at school - or that they will be returning from school, as I frequently did not pick them up from school this year.

I have realized that I don't like being away from my children. Not that I didn't know that before - but I really, really feel it this time. All of them at once. For more than a few days. It's … hmmm… hard? strange? Different - for sure, it's different.

What makes this week different from the last 10 months? Since August 7th, I have done nothing that I did not need to do. I have been laying down more than I have been standing up. I have watched more TV than I am willing to admit. I have not exercised. I have not participated. I have been nearly non-functional.

This week, the pressure of the 'have-to's" are a little less. My bouts of standing time are not interrupted with a child's need (no offense, my dear children).

I am a mommy 'home alone' which would typically lead to the rush of getting things done - finishing scrap books, cleaning out rooms, reorganizing home and life…

Nope. None of that. A Mommy Time Out.
That's all it is.
I highly recommend it… and, then again, I don't.