Wednesday

On Yom Kippur, we Jews fast from sundown until sundown. The saying goes that by fasting, we are putting ourselves beyond the physical plain and connecting with our deepest spiritual self.

Anyone who has fasted all day knows that you do not automatically feel more spiritual just because you haven't had breakfast, lunch, dinner or snacks. In fact, quite often, we spend much of the day listening to the rumblings in our stomach, thinking about what will happen if we faint in the middle of services and counting the hours until we can eat bagels, lox, kugel and other decadent jewish food.

The same could go for parenthood, I suppose. Those challenging moments? One could look at them as though they were spiritual tests. Remember the greater good. Who is this life for? What is the deeper meaning? What is most important in life? How can you demonstrate patience, love and compassion during those most difficult moments.

Instead of connecting with the Divine, we often lose our impatience. Slam doors and regret how we raised our voice at our children. We rethink how we SHOULD have responded and berate ourselves for not doing better. We pay attention to the stomach grumblings instead of the light headedness.

Like today, for example. Isaac (almost 3) has not been sleeping well. He's been going to bed at 8 with his older brothers and waking up at 5. Sometimes he'll go back to sleep in our bed for another hour. Frequently, he'll fall asleep in the car and get an afternoon nap. Today, I worked hard to keep him up, planning to put him to bed at an early hour and hoping that he'd get a good night's sleep.

Ellie (20 months) also was robbed of her nap today and I thought she'd turn in early (earlier than usual - she typically goes down by 6:30/7:00). Aaron (a very important 5 3/4) went to play at a friend's house after school. The plan was that I'd take the rest out to ice cream and to the bookstore so Ilan (7) could use a gift card he had.

The chaos at Baskin Robbins should have been a clue - a spiritual clue?

No, actually... the morning excursion to Target was the first clue. I can't recall all the details. It's that dissociative state that allows us mothers to come home from events such as the one this morning and say "now, what was so bad about that?". Well, what I do know is that I started with two children sitting in the shopping cart and I ended up with one child in my arms and one hanging on to the side as I pushed/dragged him along. I had to hang up all the yo yo balls and doodle boards that they took off the hooks while I was putting everything on the belt to pay. And, at one point, Ellie hit her face on the cart while she was playing. She's tough.. but when she decides she's upset, she let's it ALL out. She wailed for most of our journey through Target. And, then Isaac started crying about getting out until I finally let him. Then I spent the next 13 minutes chasing them - telling him not to use the emergency phone, putting back Ellie's selection of a scented candle relaxation set, trying to look for the dishwasher detergent I needed while watching both of them squeal in delight that we were in the mop section. "No, those aren't our mops. Let's go home and clean, ok?" The woman behind me in line smiled. "I remember those days." Oh, yeah. I bet she does. She wouldn't be smiling if she really, truly remembered them.

Back to B & R. They ate ice cream. Ellie would take the spoon of ice cream and slurp it like drinking a milk shake through a straw. She picked the M&M's out of her ice cream and wouldn't eat them mixed together unless I hid it deep within the ice cream. Isaac stood up in the middle of ice cream eating because he had to push his poops out. Everyone in the store knew he had to go because he announced it loudly. He went. He stood up to finish his ice cream but he was bouncing off walls even before he started eating it. He fell a couple of times, whined about not being able to reach his ice cream while he was standing at the table, and finally crawled under my legs to escape from the barrier I had created to keep him in one place. Ilan finished his own double scoop and then ate the rest of Isaac's as well. He tried for Ellie's but I wanted the M&M's frozen in the ice cream. Yum. Spirituality at its finest.

We went to the bookstore and I picked out the birthday presents we needed very quickly. I encouraged Ilan to do the same with his selections but, first, he wanted to flip through a Star Wars sticker book. (good listening) Ellie found an Elmo book ("La La") that she held on to - until the very end when I went to pay for it and there was a romance novel in her hand with Elmo nowhere to be found. Isaac started screaming that his penis hurt. He still had the poopy diaper. Ilan found some books. We left. Another group of people staring at me and probably wondering why mothers ever attempt to go out in public with children.

I didn't have wipes in the car. I knew that. Isaac wanted his diaper changed. I figured a dirty diaper would keep him awake. I wiped him with an extra diaper best I could and put on a clean one until we got home. I mean, until we picked up Aaron and went home. Isaac was crying. He wanted to go home.

I parked the car in the driveway and went to get Aaron. He wanted to stay longer. I wouldn't be able to get him, I said. Ellie and Isaac were bound for sleep soon. He had to find his shoes. He had to pet the dog one last time. He finally got in the car.

Ellie started crying for milk. We're on our way home, I told her. What were we going to have for dinner, I wondered. Something fast and easy.. they ended up eating waffles. But, Ilan wanted scrambled eggs. Then he saw the waffles. They ate a whole box. I spent dinner going back to the toaster to put in two more waffles. Ellie just eats the butter off it and then asks for more. Isaac likes butter - not melted - on his. Aaron just likes syrup, no butter. And, Ilan likes butter, no syrup... but he didn't like waffles until tonight.

Bath and bed. They're so tired. Baths are a whole other story, but this is already going to take 45 minutes to read, and I'm still not sure where the personal growth is going to fit in.

I put Ellie down. She cried - for the first time - EVER! Ok, well, almost ever. She rarely cries when she goes to bed. I had to go back in (just to make sure her foot wasn't caught between the crib rails like it was the other night). I rocked her. I put her down. She cried. I rocked her. I put her down. I let her cry. I went to put Isaac down. He didn't want to go to sleep. I lay down in his bed with him - the bed squashed between the other two beds in the room where ALL the boys sleep. I told him two more minutes. He wanted more water. I said I'd be right back. I went back to Ellie. I rocked her to sleep. This time it worked. Or maybe the next time - I've lost count.

I read to Aaron and Ilan. They would not settle down. I ended reading time. "Get to bed NOW". They ran to bed. Isaac was still up. I gave him his water. I tucked them all in. I said good night. I wanted to exercise. I had three loads of laundry to fold. I needed to veg out. There was loud laughter from the other side of the house. It was Isaac jumping on Ilan's bed. "It's bed time. That means no laughing, no talking, just laying." After repeating this scenario three times, I took Isaac into my room and put him on the bed. But, I wanted to be in my room. Aargh! I went to finish the dishes.

I brought Isaac back to his bed. Aaron was asleep. Sweet Aaron. Until 6am when he wakes up - no matter what. Ilan couldn't sleep. Never can. He always feels "funny" around 9:00pm. I said that was ok - the best thing to do was lie in bed - same as every other night. Isaac was finally asleep. Sweet Isaac. Until 5:00am when he always wakes up and comes in our bed - if he's not already there - to sleep one more hour. And, there goes Ilan. Just in time to wake him up to pee so he doesn't wet his bed.

Oh, look. David is home. The house is so nice and quiet, he said. "SSSSSHHHHH!" I cried.

I got into bed and prayed to G-d. "Please don't let this ever happen again."
And, G-d answered with.... Thursday.