Five Things You Should Know About Sanctity in Motherhood

*Please Note: I said SANCTITY, not SANITY. The latter, I am still trying to figure out.

1. my inner piece will lead to your inner peace

By now, every mother has heard the adage about putting on her own oxygen mask before putting on her child's when in an airplane experiencing difficulties.
We're TOLD to do this. We're told we NEED to do this. But, it's still not an easy path. We still don’t feel encouraged to actually follow through with the process. And what does the process entail in the first place? I have to figure out who my inner piece or self IS. And, that can be a long process – especially when you’re trying to find time in the midst of diaper changing and laundry and cooking and cleaning and chasing and – you get the point. No one has outlined this process for mothers. Because they can’t. One woman’s process is another woman’s nightmare. Each individual must commit the time and energy to figure out what it is that permits her to make a connection with a Divine force in the universe. My business partner, for example, feels a connection when she goes to synagogue. I do not. I feel a deeper connection when I am hiking out in nature or participating in a retreat where I am inspired to be a better person.
Regardless… if you want to find the inner piece and, thus, the inner peace… you will have to:
a) define your path to get there
b) start carving out time to walk on the path
c) manage the incessant guilt that will be alongside the path
d) maintain whatever it is you discovered that defines you and allows you to feel connected to something outside of motherhood

2. it's a slower paced journey in a faster paced world

Lately, I have been observing many of my friends (most of whom are younger than me and who have fewer children than me) climbing to a new plateau of life. They are more relaxed (though still just as busy), are going back to work or creating their own businesses and have time to devote to themselves. They don’t have to worry about scheduling doctor’s appointments around naptime or finding babysitters so they can attend another child’s performance in the school play. They don’t have to maneuver their time so they can ensure that everything gets done.

When people say to me “I don’t know how you do it.” I reply with “I don’t know how you do it.” I may have a couple more balls in my pinball machine, but we’re all bouncing, right?

Any mother with children (do you know any without?) “slows down a bit” after she has children. It’s quite the contradiction, isn’t it? Because in reality, she has never moved so fast or accomplished so much in so little time ever before in her life.

What’s slowing down is the ego-laden life we are accustomed to living. All our time and energy could be devoted to ourselves. Even volunteering at the soup kitchen makes US (our ego) feel good. Then comes this being and your life is devoted to another not just because you chose to marry him (which, statistics say, only 50% will remain committed in the end).

Your own life journey (another paradox) slows down – at least on the surface – when actually you are gathering all this raw data for change and growth and learning and transformation. You just don't realize how much personal growth and divine inspiration you are acquiring when you are in the midst of mothering.

I watch some of my friends and wonder if they feel guilty taking tennis lessons and going to cooking classes, working out and having lunch with friends while their children labor at school and their partners labor at work. But, when I stop looking at the bigger picture and look at it from a microscopic lens, I see it completely differently.

After a long, hard day... I'm so overwhelmed, exhausted and tired of being touched that I need to sit and do nothing. That does not mean going to sleep - before I can even go to sleep, I have to wind down before I can unwind. So, when these women are taking classes and getting their nails done and enjoying a little time... really, they're winding down from the years of servitude and complete dependence from their little ones.

Oh, I can't wait to embrace the next level of parenthood and the spiritual growth that comes with it.

3. the ‘panes’ of labor provide an unknowing glimpse into your future

If only we knew. People tell you beforehand about the lack of sleep and to enjoy your free time. But, we are really incapable of grasping the true meaning behind their words.

After all, we all had our late-night days where we got such little sleep. But, we survived, and we caught up on sleep during the weekend. What do you mean we won’t be able to do that anymore?

Each labor is different. It is an unknown – even if you went so far as to plan it out and think about what you wanted your labor/delivery to look like. You just never know. And, that’s pretty much the truest outlook of your future too. You just never know.

There is a lot of pain – as you watch your children struggle through physical ailments and growing up pains. There is pain as you make mistakes that impact your children or react with actions you instantly regret.

Through the pain, however, comes the birth. And what gloriousness is that? The amazing connection with something bigger than yourself… how could that possibly have grown and thrived inside of me? And, how the heck did it get out? Did I really do that? I can’t stand to be shocked when someone rubs their feet on the carpet and touches me. Yet, I made it through four child births - one without drugs. I must have grown from those experiences (and I don't mind the extra 15 pounds I can't seem to get rid of or the wider-than-usual hips that now don my body).

The pain of child birth leads us in ways we could never have imagined.

Transformation. Perspective. Attitude. Connection.

4. Either you can brood or you can drink pina coladas

Spirituality has a lot to do with attitude. With the proper perspective and the right dose of alcohol, any mother can manage what life has to dole out. Imagine how much different folding laundry would be with a cute little umbrella drink in one hand. You don’t even have to drink it – just hold it.

My friend, Robin, and I used to smoke pretzel sticks when we were younger. We didn’t even light them, we just dragged on them. I tried that the other day when I was listening to my boys fighting over who got to use Daddy’s new set of socket wrenches. I just pulled out my little box of pretzel sticks, broke one in half to use as a match and lit one up. I sat at the kitchen table with my slippers and a diet root beer and watched calmly as the three boys ripped apart the pipes under my kitchen sink.

Remaining calm in the middle of life's chaotic moments is CERTAINLY a skill only the spiritually connected can manage. We mothers may have to find creative avenues to achieve that sense of calm, but we are certainly capable of doing it!

5. there IS spirituality in motherhood

If you’ve never thought about it before, then think about this… how often do you pray to G-d that your husband will arrive home on time at night? How frequently do you find yourself praying that you can get in and out of the grocery store without anyone hitting each other? Without anyone throwing a tantrum? Or without forgetting something on your grocery list and having to go back? Have you said “Please, G-d, let my screaming baby fall asleep without
me having to go in there 50 times.”? How about praying to G-d that the doctor comes in to the examining room QUICKLY?

There are also those moments of praying to your child and – in essence – attempting to appeal to the divine spark within them: “PLEASE, pretty PLEASE hurry up going to the bathroom. Isaac and Ellie are playing in the garbage cans.” “PLEASE quiet down so I can finish this phone conversation with the school administrator, telling him why you belong in kindergarten next
year.” “PLEASE listen to me the first time I tell you something. We can add three hours to our day if I didn’t have to repeat myself so much.” “PLEASE eighteen-month old daughter. Stop making your three year old and five year old brothers cry. PLEASE stop “high-ya”ing them.”

Praying is an act of spirituality.

So, while sanity may be missing from the lives of many mothers, I think we can all declare that we are deeply spiritual beings!