Sometimes, I Don't Love You

It finally happened. I knew it would. I just didn't know what it would feel like.

My son told me "I love daddy more than you." First, he told my husband "I love you more than mommy." Then, he turned to me and innocently made it clear.

I've heard "I don't love you." plenty of times before. Somehow, this one was different. It brought stinging tears in my eyes. I asked my son to go sit in his room to think about his cruel words which is how we begin our path to apology... and then I got mad at my husband.

He was home from work early, having been out of town for the past two nights. He wanted to take the older boys miniature golfing. Isaac, 19 months, had fallen asleep in the car on the way to pick the boys up from school and he was going to stay at home. Eliana, 4 months, of course - would stay home.

But, Isaac woke up when I tried to put him in his crib. He was crabby from not having completed his nap. I didn't want to be stuck at home with that - I wanted to enjoy my husband's home-from-work-early day too.

Aaron was excited to go miniature golfing. I know that's where the four year old feeling came from. Daddy always gets to take the boys on fun outings. Mommy stays with the little ones. My husband, rightly so, wanted to take the boys out for an adventure to take advantage of his being home early and due to the fact that he is leaving the country for 12 days a little later this month.

I used to do fun things too. Ilan and Aaron were born 17 months apart. I used to pick Ilan up from school at 1:00 and drive down to the children's museum. We would hang out there for an hour and drive home. I would take them to the park. I did art projects with them. We spent time digging and planting and hunting for treasure in our backyard. We explored the world together.

Now, Ilan and Aaron are in school until 3:00 and 3:30 respectively. Isaac and Eliana are 16 months apart but still too young to do the things I used to do with Ilan and Aaron (though I have to say, I have taken all four out on brief outings - to the zoo, to the park, to the science museum). I need to remind myself of that and realize that their (and my) time will come. I also need to remind my husband of this - just to make myself feel better.

"You know, David," I said to him, "just because I stay at home with the children doesn't mean I get to do these fun things that you do all the time. I'd like to take advantage of you being home early too - especially since you are leaving town again and I'm going to have to operate in maintenance mode."

David offered for me to take the boys miniature golfing and he'd stay home. That wasn't the point. But, I appreciated the offer. I wanted him to have another glimpse into motherhood. I am constantly providing glimpses of motherhood for David, and he understands. And, he doesn't want my job.

In the meantime, I have to remember that everything is temporary. Everything passes by eventually. My days operating according to the very different routines of Eliana and Isaac will soon pass, and we will have morning adventures together. I won't have to stop what we are doing and nurse Ellie on the floor of a bathroom stall. I won't have to wake up Isaac from his much needed nap in order to pick up Aaron and then Ilan at school. I won't have to spend much of my day in the house because my children nap at different times.

Life goes by quickly, and I am sure I will miss the days when my youngest children were still babies. But, for now, I dream of future freedoms and await my moment of adventure with my children - when I will be looked upon as the really cool parent, the one who plays and creates fun things to do.

I heard Aaron calling me from his room - a first in the moments of "time to think about what we just did and how it made the other person feel". I went into his room.
"I'm ready to apologize," he said. Our family is working on apologizing with respect and really thinking about what we did that hurt the other person - thus, the minutes alone in the room.
"I'm sorry for... saying I loved Daddy better than you." In my mind, the apology went on... "really, I love you better because you are the one who makes sure I'm fed and that I wear the proper clothes to school. You're the one who keeps me on my routine and makes sure I get to bed on time. You're the one who knows that I like my hot dog outside of the bun, but I like to eat the bun too. You're the one, Mommy, who I really need.... even though you're not always so much fun." (a mom can dream, can't she?)

I gave Aaron a hug and told him that his words really hurt my feelings but thanked him for apologizing. "Is there anything I can do for you?", he continued. (something I learned from a friend that extends the apology and really shows the other person that you care about them and want to make up for what you did - thanks, Ayala)
"How about a hug?", I replied.

Aaron came over and gave me a tight squeeze. Then he walked out the door to go miniature golfing with his dad.