October 1st, I-Hop, and Cottage Cheese Pancakes

As always, since 2012, on October 1st - I took my children to I-Hop.  It's a bit difficult, explaining to the host, that we did not come to eat.  We came seeking out an elderly person or couple - for whom we could buy dinner.

I-Hop was one of my grandma's favorite places - and probably one of the last places we sat with her, all together in our extended family.  So, my children and I go to I-Hop each year looking for someone to buy a meal for.

Sometimes we tell them we'd like to buy their dinner, and sometimes - like tonight - we just do it anonymously.  If I do speak to the person, I always tell them - though we are buying their meal in honor of my grandmother, they are far too young for her.  :)  Tonight, our gift was anonymous, but we told our story three times - to the host, to the chef, and to the server.

Ah, grandma!  I came home and made gf pancakes and (non gf) waffles for my children... and cottage cheese pancakes (a gram-ma-ma specialty) for myself.  I must admit - I made the cottage cheese pancakes gluten free, and as soon as I noticed that they became a bit rubbery as they cooled off - I quickly gobbled them up - slathered with jelly the way a cottage cheese pancake is supposed to be eaten.  All 24 or so of them.  Yep.

I crave the wisdom of my grandmother and wish I'd had the energy for more and deeper conversation.  What did she think as a young mother raising three boys?  How did she feel as a young widow, living so long without my Poppy Harold and waiting anxiously to 'join' him again?  What was life like?

To me - she was my grandma.  Always happy.  Always giving.  Always watching.  Always loving us.  

What was it like when she finally had to stop working?  When she realized she wouldn't travel anymore?  What did she think about?  Wish for?  Dream of?

Grandma always said it straight.  "Lisa-luh, looks like you put on a few pounds."   Aw!  If grandma said it, it was probably true. 

In some ways, it seems such a short time ago and, in other ways, it seems like she's been gone for so long.  Every year, I have to sit and think about how many years my grandma has been gone from this world.  

I reach for messages.  Guiding wisdom about my life.  Inspiration to move forward and stay positive.  Answers to unknown questions.  Miraculous insights.  Whenever I ask, I am given - a heart rock.  My mom?  A blooming flower in a plant that hasn't bloomed in years... or ever.

I can't believe it is the end of another October 1st.

I'm not ready.

I didn't say enough.

I want more time.

To reflect.

To be.

To love.