An Accounting of My Life

It's that time of year. But, for me, it's that time of life. Time to take an accounting, time to look inside. Time to release. Time to move forward. Time to recreate and redefine. Time to reclaim my Self.

I have a lot going on. My 'a lot going on is not more or less than your a lot going on' (that's the nature of life today) but my lot has accumulated and knocked me down.

Back pain. Sciatic nerve pain. Immobilizing and demoralizing pain. For many days, in the past four weeks, I have done absolutely nothing. Other days, I have done only what I absolutely had to do.

Pain is a roadblock to life, and my admiration for friends living with chronic pain is more immense than ever before. Most of the time, I can think of little else than the pain coursing through my leg and back. I stopped seeking relief because there is none. Pain impacts my ability to fulfill my responsibilities, my desire for conversation, and my hope.

There is just no space for those things right now.

My body yells for me to pay attention to life, and - in the distance - I hear the sound of the shofar calling. It is that time of year again.

Time to look at yourself fully and deeply, to look at those things we - consciously or subconsciously - tucked away. Fears that haunt us. Anger that lingers. Stress that simmers.

This is a stressful world and, more than ever, we need to be mindful about managing stress. We have had some difficult years. Things that rip you open, make you vulnerable and raw, and make you rethink things.

The question "Who am I?" is stressful when you've been a stay at home mom for twelve years. Even when your passion has been helping mothers recreate and redefine themselves throughout motherhood. Even when you've been so on top of it yourself. You realize, you've forgotten to pay attention to some of the pieces.

"Who can I be?"is a looming question with endless possibilities but no answer.

"I'm not good enough." screams loudly when you are trapped on your back. Your children get to watch a bit more TV; they eat cereal for dinner; you're not really sure what they are working on in school. You forget to put the tooth fairy money under the pillow for four days.

Self-doubt motivates us to propel forward. Negative self-talk can be converted to positive change.

Back Pain, I know you are here to protect me from having to move forward in life. You are the roadblock to fear because I can't think of anything else when you are here.

I am going to get up now ... and walk across the room without pain, without cinching.... I am going to resume living.