The Blessing of a Mom Named Wendy Mogel

When I first found The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, I purchased several of them and passed them out to friends. This was before I even read past the first chapter. I just knew this was a book worth reading, and I wanted to share it.

I am currently reading it again (out of order) and am particularly fascinated with the chapter on The Blessing of Self Control. These are merely my notes on that chapter - one which I hope to explore more deeply. While I'm curious about the spiritual aspects of motherhood from the mother's point of view, this chapter provides insight into the spiritual essence between parent and child. Here we go - remember, these are the thoughts of the author, Wendy Mogel, with some of my own wording.

Teaching children discipline and self-control is one of the essential tasks of parenthood.

A child's greatest strength (and, perhaps, ours as well) is hidden within his or her worst quality (the yetzer hara or evil inclination).

Removing barriers to allow our children constructive expression of their yetzer hara is our job as a parent.

This is not done merely by proper discipline but also through acceptance of a child's temperament, their limitations and your ability to focus on his or her strengths.

It is important for a parent to know appropriate developmental age-related expectations for their child. Especially today - with so many children being pushed into our competitive, have it all, do many things society - parents lose track of what's really "right" for their children.

Louse Bates Ames has a series of books that outline developmentally appropriate steps for each age level - up to 12, I think. For example, did you know it is common for 7-year olds to enter a phase of morbidity and darkness? Their Rorshack Ink Blot test can look very similar to that of a suicidal adult.

Wendy Mogel is a clinical psychologist and has worked extensively with family issues. She talks about well-intentioned but misguided parents (probaby the ones I referred to above) and how they fall into several categories:
1. we are equal - parents who want to be rational and reasonable with their children
2. on the go - always moving and needing something to do - never relax at home and share quiet time with their children
3. anxious - spend so much time in fearlessness and warning their children about the world's dangers
4. competitive - parents may be frustrated by child's lack of ambition. appearantly, parents are competitive enough for everyone
5. suffering - with unspoken and harboring resentment between spouses, children may also be unhappy
6. me, me, me - children are seen as a personal achievement

Our children will help bring out our very worst parts. For example, a wimpy parent will get walked all over by her children. A moody parent may have to deal with a child who is even moodier.

The importance of the roles we model: if we expect our children to make healthy eating choices, to buckle down with homework right after school or go to sleep when they don't feel tired -then we need to do the same. Sometimes we don't feel like it, do we?

There is a child discussed in this chapter who is described as bossy. She is four years old and she takes charge of the whole family. Mogel helps the family learn to refocus their annoyances as positive traits - something psychotherapists call 'reframing'. Here are some examples:
- stubborn is persistence
- complaining child might be discerning
- shy child is cautious and modest
- picky, nervous or obssessive child is serious and detail-oriented

She then asks parents to assess whether or not their child has sufficient opportunity to express these natural tendencies in constructive ways. Don't set children up to fail by putting them in a situation you know won't work for them. Looking for patterns in the 'unacceptable behavior' will help you to set up situations where your child can succeed.

The bossy four year old was given tasks such as monitoring the family calendar, reminding her mom to turn on the dishwasher at night, to tell her dad to empty his pockets before putting clothes in the hamper and teaching her little sister a new game. She had "real" tasks, too, that involved straightening the magazines, sweeping the front porch and setting the table. But, her yetzer hara was allowed expression in an appropriate and fulfilling manner.

Here is the Jewish twist on discpline and guiding our children:
Avoid using the word always and never. Jewish law permits the performance of certain mitzvot to be imperfect. The obligation is still considered fulfilled.
Judaism places tremendous emphasis on the power of words. We can use words to enrich our children's lives or they can be misused.
When your efforts to set up successful environments, to know your child and his needs, and to focus on what's truly important need the help of more disciplinary measures... here are some guidelines and things to consider -
The proper rebuke offers the child a chance to learn about parental values and standards of behavior.
According to Rashi, an 11th century commentator, the most difficult part of delivering a rebuke is not shaming your child. Protecting others from shame is central to Jewish thinking. Shame causes such great pain that it is likened to murder (oh, great - don't start with any additional mother guilt from that statement - just read it and go on).

There are three types of sin in Judaism:
cheit or inadvertent sin, done by accident: the experience itself is the teacher. If your child forgets her lunch several days in a row, and it is not brought to her - she will learn her lesson. Your effort in the situation involves pushing aside the desire to 'fix it' for her by bringing her lunch to school.
avon committed out of the pull of desire - When rebuking during this type of 'sin', Maimonides offers some advice in the Mishna Torah. Administer the rebuke in private, speak gently and tenderly, and remember you are speaking for the wrongdoer's benefit not to humiliate. Finally, Maimonides says to put the rebuke in the context of your high regard for the person. "You probably didn't think this through" or "this does not become you"
Explain the consequence for the behavior. Evaluate your child's reaction. Resist the argument. Offer an opportunity to make ammends.
Teshuvah means "return" and is an opportunity to return to your best self after having strayed off course. In order to do Teshuvah, you must take action to "right the wrong".

pesha rebellious sin, done with the clear intention of demonstrating to G-d - or parent - that he is not our master

Judaism further says that punishment should only occur if children have been forewarned of what to expect if they misbehave. The Talmud also warns against threatening a child with future harsh punishment.

To find effective punishments, reframe entitlements as privileges. This is one of my favorite parts of the chapter. As parents we get so caught up and begin to take for granted all of the things our children have. They have become expectations and proper gratitude is rarely expressed.
Children are entitled to the basics - food, clothing,shelter and everything else is a privilege.

Change If/Then statements - if you clean up your room, then we'll go the park
to
When/Then statements - when you clean up your room, then we can go to the park
Explain what you need from your child. When you remember to put your clothes in the hamper for three days in a row without my reminder then you'll be able to watch TV in the evening.
Ask your child to repeat what it is you are asking of him or her.

Finally, Judaism teaches us that working on middot (good characteristic traits) is a lifelong process. Raising children help us build our own middot because changing their bad behaviors requires us to do the same with ours.

If we can view parenthood as part of this lifelong growing process of developing positive traits - then every confrontation, every dilemma and every challenge we face is an opportunity for our own growth and development.