life with children is a pinball machine

What would the life of a mom look like with self-regulating children? Not the self-direction that involves helping oneself to a handful of pretzels five minutes after you've announced that dinner will be served in fifteen minutes.

The autonomy I am talking about involves hanging up wet towels after a shower or
understanding that "ten more minutes" means ten more minutes and then the computers are turned off.

I'm talking about children who grasp the morning routine some time before their 18th birthday or
who understand that taking a shower involves soap and who do not get upset when they have to shower again after "forgetting" to use soap. 

The independence that I pine for involves a child who knows how to use the napkins in his lunchbox (can anyone else's children use the same - paper - napkin for the entire school year?) or
who doesn't tell me that the show is almost over when it's 6:35 and, clearly, the show has only been on for five minutes.


Is it my memory or the fact that I have four children that inhibits my ability to keep order in my house?  Usually, when people say "I don't know how you do it - I can hardly manage with two, or one", my reaction is - we all have the same struggles. We're all busy moms.  I just have more pinballs in my pinball machine.  

Lately, I am beginning to question that theory.  Can I really fall back on: "Yeah. I have four and my life is harder."?  Is that why I cannot get my children to make sure their wet towels are off the carpet, the toilets are flushed, all cabinets are closed, and all drawers pushed shut?

Is the fact that I have four children the reason why I cannot ensure that all my children have brushed their teeth or had breakfast before we leave the house in the morning?

Is this why I need to rely on charts and checking off completed items and an award system?  And is the fact that those charts never work for very long a sign of my impending failure to establish order.... again?

Does anyone else "forget" what their children are "supposed to do" before they leave the house or go to sleep at night and, therefore, think they are on schedule until the children are gone or asleep and   all of the things that didn't get done are realized?  The little things that drive you batty are the things that don't get done - like picking up your pair of socks from the family room floor, putting your homework in your backpack instead of leaving it on the table.  The things that reflect the values you are trying to instill in your children - responsibility, contribution, a clean house!  The things that they could easily do and yet they don't... and life would be SO much easier and smoother if they did.... right?

Did I forget to pick up my second grader at his classroom because I have four children?  Does the doctor's office think I'm nuts because I always hesitate before announcing the year of my child's birth - or do they understand that this is typical behavior of a mom with four children? (Is that why they always then ask me if I am the mom?)  

By the way, did I mention that my son just made me dinner so I could write this down?

In An Instant

I thought my life was going to change. I had the slightest glimmer of what it was going to look like, and I was prepared for it.  I remember – and I have been witness to – what it was like for my brother, my SIL, and my nephew – even my niece. That glimpse penetrated deeper as I thought my reality was going to be similar.

I understood on a level I have not understood before and, yet – more than ever – I know that I am not able to comprehend.  We all know – or at least we all say – that you cannot understand the life of another without first standing in their shoes.  Even the most empathetic of us cannot possibly know what another’s experience is.

I have always known this – that even when my heart burns with pain and anguish upon hearing the struggles of others – that I haven’t the slightest idea of what it feels like.  Though I am burdened by depression when I hear sirens because all I can think about is that someone’s life has just changed – though my heart weighs heavy – I know that, really, I’m only at the edge.

Today, I am enlightened to how eagerly I should be counting my blessings, how joyously I should sing and how loudly I should express my gratitude.

This morning, I woke up thinking “We couldn’t possibly both be diagnosed with diabetes today.  That just can’t happen, can it?  Well, of course it can.  We could be the ones that this happens to.”

I was waiting for my yearly A1C blood test results. Since the birth of Ellie, when I had gestational diabetes, I have had my blood sugars tested.  A few years ago, I crossed over the line that separates “normal” from pre-diabetic.  Last year, my sugars had reached a level where – if I increased by the same amount this year – I would be defined as diabetic.

I took the test on Friday.  My results were to be delivered on Monday.

Over the weekend, I was called to pick up Aaron from a friend’s house.  His throat was hurting and I was told he had guzzled a lot of water since he had been there.  Those words vibrated in my heart.  I had been paying attention to Aaron’s water intake over the past few days.  He was drinking water NON-STOP.

I knew this to be one of the signs of diabetes and could pinpoint several other known symptoms.  Was it coincidental or was something going on?

This morning (Monday), I filled his 24-oz water bottle four times before we even arrived at the doctor at 9:00am.  That does not count the two times I filled it during the night.

Yesterday (Sunday), we visited urgent care to get Aaron’s throat checked out. I asked them to check his blood sugars, and we discovered that they were elevated.  After a urine test showed sugar in his urine, we left the urgent care with orders for an A1C blood test.  He did not have strep.

I was prepared for my life to change - anticipating what might unfold in the coming weeks.

Aaron is fine.  He does not have diabetes.  My A1C came back lower than it was last year. 

My heart remains heavy.  I know Melissa (and Matthew and Billy) would have stepped in and given me all the answers, support, and advice that I needed.  I know how grateful I am to have been knowledgeable about what Aaron’s symptoms could mean and to pay attention to early signs.  I know how darn lucky I am that his symptoms were, in actuality, coincidental symptoms.

I have not stepped into her shoes (Melissa’s feet are much smaller than mine) and – thankfully – I’ll remain naïve about living a diabetic life or helping a diabetic child to live his.

But I’m also moved – and not simply because it’s my brother, not because it’s my sister in law, not because it’s my nephew  (and, believe me – those are powerful reasons!!) – because I know a little bit more…. just a little bit.

This year, JDRF has a special fundraiser to honor the mothers who care for children with type 1diabetes.  100% of the funds collected will go directly to research.  My brother and my nephew wrote letters honoring my SIL, Melissa.  

https://jdrf-illinois.ejoinme.org/?tabid=454303&joinme=25381

When my nephew became Bar Mitzvah, I talked with him about the gift I wanted to give him.  I wanted to donate to JDRF in his honor, but I also wanted to give him some of the money for his bank account.  I solicited his input on how to distribute the money.  Matthew told me to give it to JDRF – that they needed it more than he did.  Then he said, “No, actually, I need JDRF to have it.”

Someday, we will have a cure for diabetes.  I want to be a part of that.

In moments of my greatest strength, I am able to see my most lamentable weaknesses.

When those things you despise most about yourself stare you in the eye, the best you can do is embrace them - wrap your arms around them.  Take them in tenderly with hope for learning, growth, and - perhaps - change.

A contradictory proposition to - both - treat tenderly and want to be rid of a part of yourSelf.  

They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom.  ~Confucius

Change does not occur in an instant.  Unless you've won the lottery.  Or been diagnosed with diabetes.  Or lost your job.  

Most of those changes - the instantaneous ones - are not the ones we'd welcome to our lives.


"They always say time changes things but you actually have to change them yourself." 

-Andy Warhol, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol

Change doesn't occur in a vacuum.  You can "do it" by yourself, but you still have to consider those around you and you still have to participate in life.

Sharing it
and
saying it
are half the battle

The load becomes lighter when you share it with others - even if it's only with words.

Habits are time consuming.  Time consuming to change.  But possible.  Very possible.

It is our free will that allows us to choose to be something different than we are.  We have the freedom to recreate and redefine ourselves. 


The birds are molting.  If only man could molt also - his mind once a year its errors, his heart once a year its useless passions. 

- James Allen